Lump in breast

[lyndau63]

Thinking of you.

[mael]

swgrl09 and lyndau63, thank you for your kind words. It's great to be able to talk with people one doesn't know. I don't have to pretend to be brave, for a start

They pretty much told me is cancer -- or, at least they told me that it's certainly malignant on the basis of the imaging, but necrosis causes false positives on occasion on imaging, hence the biopsies. I will get the results on the 27th.

I honestly feel little hope that it's not the C word. Virtually nothing. I just want to hope it's not a very bad cancer.

There's an entry I read a long time ago on the blog of Eric Meyer, another IT guy, who chronicled during many years the life, and eventually death, of his beautiful little daughter; I remember reading the events pretty much as they unfolded, and there's this entry when, towards the end, the doctors say there's nothing more to be done for her cancer and she will die soon. She's six (or nine? I don't remember and I'd rather not look it up) years old, and the parents feel the need to tell her, that sadly there's no cure. She appears taken aback and lost, then a bit later during the same day her little cousin comes to visit, and she plays happily with him, apparently totally oblivious of the recent news.

This scene, apart from being heart-wrenching, really resonates with me. It ain't over until it's over. The wisdom of kid and animals, the natural joy of being alive just for it's own sake. My situation is immensely less tragic of course, for a start I've lived already quite a while, plus I am not terminal (I hope so at least...). I am just scared shitless and would like to tap into that kind of innocence, since it may be available to me at least a tiny bit. Optimism, I can't access that. Not right now at least. I confess, deep inside I feel scr**ed. It's not a rational or factually motivated thing obviously, it's just how I feel.
Oblivion, that I can access to some extent. Today I went to work. I am having a stint at teaching programming, and my pupils are rather brill -- today, at least for ten minutes, I honestly enjoyed myself.

Then I remembered... oh, I have cancer. That sucks.

[Sam123]

There's an entry I read a long time ago on the blog of Eric Meyer, another IT guy, who chronicled during many years the life, and eventually death, of his beautiful little daughter; I remember reading the events pretty much as they unfolded, and there's this entry when, towards the end, the doctors say there's nothing more to be done for her cancer and she will die soon. She's six (or nine? I don't remember and I'd rather not look it up) years old, and the parents feel the need to tell her, that sadly there's no cure. She appears taken aback and lost, then a bit later during the same day her little cousin comes to visit, and she plays happily with him, apparently totally oblivious of the recent news.

This scene, apart from being heart-wrenching, really resonates with me. It ain't over until it's over. The wisdom of kid and animals, the natural joy of being alive just for it's own sake.

This made me tear up.

I'm glad you managed to find some respite today, even if it was only for a little while. I think i'm right in saying we are all rooting for the best possible results for you Mael

[mael]

Thank you Sam123. Let's hope for the better.
I need to start looking into the links you sent a few days ago; and I will do it as soon as I regain a modicum of sanity.

Take care

[Sam123]

Yes definitely, there's quite a lot there just take your time through it, i hope it helps in some way

[pulisa]

Mael, I think it's terrible that you were given such devastating potential news when the biopsy results aren't back and your condition appeared to develop overnight?

Have they offered you any telephone support to deal with the trauma of a 2 week wait? You have just been left in limbo with so much to take on board and you don't even have a definitive diagnosis...Are you just meant to get on with your life in the meantime?

I think you are being very brave but I also think you have been treated shabbily by the medics. I do hope the days until the results pass as swiftly as possible for you.

[mael]

Thank you Sam123 and pulisa, this thread makes me feel a bit nidicolous (I've joined also a cancer support board and there pretty much everyone else, with rare exceptions, seems less dramatic than me) and it's almost becoming my confessional, but it's incredibly helpful, because I can be earnest without putting my real-life face forward and getting all apologetic.

Believe me, I am not brave. I am just going through the motions. I am much calmer today but I've started looking into euthanasia options (don't reach for the police yet please, I am physically fine and until I am not too knackered, the next ice cream is for me reason enough to carry on living, so we are talking years here, hopefully), just as a reassurance that suffering is not mandatory. This is incredibly calming to me, as I fear pain immensely more than I fear death. And I am glad also I am in the UK at the moment, where free choice is at the forefront of the NHS conduct, whereas in my country of origin I'd be certainly bullied into whatever treatment seemed more adequate to the surgeon (I've been there -- I had toxic shock from a dentist anaesthetic and when I discharged myself they told me that I was going to remain horrendously disfigured -- so I know about being bullied -- and my skin, instead, still makes me proud at 46).

Re: having been treated shabbily, I confess, the same thought did cross my mind. I can't quite decide if I've been treated like an adult being (too much of an adult maybe?) or like a piece of furniture -- it's not a rhetorical question, I do swing between the two points of view. Technician and doctor all seemed to me the happy-go-lucky and talk-through-their-noses types who didn't pay much attention to what they shared or not shared ("it's 5 of 5 malignant... but it could still be benign"). I am not too different myself in my own job to be honest, but then, I am an software developer, no one's health is at stake.

I don't know. I imagine they deal often with tears and even more often with very dignified people; maybe didn't know what to make of me. Maybe I was really treated shabbily. I felt bad about it all, and shocked, but then, dunno, sometimes there's no way to feel good about a situation. Or maybe I was really treated shabbily.

I am starting also to feel another unease -- my boss was crying when I told him. The guy I see on occasion is freaking out. Some friends from my hometown as well. This story has caused already an unspeakable amount of pain to me and to other people, and I am not even an attached person, and NOTHING IS SURE YET, omg. I can't even start to fathom how people with families must feel in similar conditions. How life can go bad when it's bad.

Anyway, it's nearly the weekend. I hope you all have enjoyable plans. I have a modicum of plans, a goal to reach (such goal being: not having another panic attack) and anyway it's a still a weekend, so it's not nothing. xxxx

[pulisa]

So.... you were told it's a dead cert for cancer or maybe just benign after all?
If that's the case that sounds very unprofessional and downright cruel. Surely they could have said that they would be unable to give you a definitive diagnosis until the biopsy results were back?

I know it's all in a day's work for some medics but you have been treated appallingly in my opinion.

[Sam123]

Hi Mael,

We've had the news today that my Nan has Lung cancer, after a visit to the hospital 4 weeks ago for coughing up blood. Numerous tests done and they sent her home.
She went back again as she continued to feel unwell, they did more tests and well there you have it, a big dark circle covering a quarter of her lung, lung cancer.

They treated her appallingly too, no information help or advice, just 'You have cancer, you will need to come back in two weeks time to discuss treatment'. It really is bad.

Try not to compare your feelings or situation to others, some may appear not as cut up about it but i suppose everybody reacts and processes such news in their own way. It is all relative, i think you're doing great by speaking about it here too.

I hope the weekend brings you some joy

[mael]

Gosh, Sam123, this is terrible. I am also quite appalled that she was sent home without at least an RX while she was coughing blood. It seems sloppy in the worst possible sense of the word.
How is she feeling? Is she coping with the news? Must be a terrible shock to the system. Well, I know first-hand now that it is. I have no advice to offer, but your Nan and you have all my warmest sympathy and solidarity. I hope you all stay strong and have something to find solace in. I am not religious but I don't discount faith and I hope there's at least one single thought that can give you a bit of relief.

I agree with you and with pulisa that the lack of aftershock care is... disappointing at best. One is sent home with bad news and an implied subtext of "sorry mate, tough luck". I've googled earlier and on WebMD it's said somewhere that the doctors are bound to reveal all they know/think even if they reckon it's upsetting for the patient. Still, I agree it's quite horrible that one is sent home without any advice or offering of help for their emotional state, like it had a fat chance to be any good :(

I hope we all can find at least some serenity in the upcoming days. Take care and try to be strong