Random Intrusive thought?

[dancerja]

Hi everyone, so this all started around 2 weeks ago, when I had a crazy thought. Ever since then i've been freaking out about it. I've always been obsessive, and has anxiety, but never this bad. I had a sexual thought about a coworker while looking at my boyfriend. It was horrible, and it was unwanted. All day I had been stressed out about something that happened at work, and this popped into my brain. I can't stress enough how much I didn't want the thought, and now I'm scared i'll never get over it. What if I think about this co worker during sex? not because I want too, but because I'm scared of the thought. I don't want to have these thoughts and I don't know why now it just happened, like I don't understand. I am in love with my boyfriend, and I never had any thoughts like this before, so why now? Will this ever go away? I feel so horrible, do I need therapy? I am seriously more scared of thinking about the thought, or having the thought, then the actual thought, if that makes sense. I don't know how to get over this. Is this OCD? It's just one specific thought, and fear so I don't know if its OCD or not, i've been stressed, and I know stress can trigger it, but I don't know. I need help, I don't feel like myself, its all I think about, I feel trapped in my head, I wish it would have never happened. I want to note that I am not trying to "suppress" feelings for my co worker. He is a nice looking person, but I would never ever leave my boyfriend for this person, nor did I ever want too. A month ago my boyfriend and I broke up over something stupid I did, and I hurt him badly. Now I've been obsessing over things I could do that would hurt him, and make him break up with me again. We are back together but I am REALLY messed up. I feel like a horrible person, and I compulsively confess everything to him even if they don't matter. I think this is a reason the thought happened. I was so obsessed with what happened at work, that this co worker was on my mind, and my brain new if I thought something like that, it would make him upset. It's like my brain was trying to punish me. Does that make sense? This bad anxiety all started after he broke up with me. It's really messed me up, and triggered these thoughts. I don't eat anymore, or sleep without feeling like a horrible person. Could this explain my bad thoughts? How do I get over this? Will this be my life forever? :( I never felt like this before the break up. I try to let the thoughts pass and not give them any attention but I don't want them there. It causes me anxiety and makes me angry that my brain is aware of this now. I just don't get why it's happening and why I can't stop thinking about it.

[lior]

Oh my goodness. Take a deep breath and slow down! There's a lot going on here.

You are not in a brilliant place so things are going to seem more extreme. It sounds like you still have some working out to do with your boyfriend. It doesn't sound like everything is fulfilling - you sound like you are trying to make him happy but he is not making you happy. That doesn't sound very balanced. If you did something wrong, you might need to be regaining trust between you - how's that going?

It is perfectly normal to have thoughts like that about people. It's not really controllable. The more you try to control it, the more they seem to come back. It's not even like you actually want to sleep with them. The more you tell yourself to not think about it, the more you focus on it. Focus on something else rather than forbidding yourself to think about a specific thing.

It's like - tightrope walkers don't think 'don't look down'. They think 'look straight ahead'. They frame things positively with positive language. This helps them focus in a way that will help them to their goal.

If you think you need help, go and get help!

In the meantime, relax, it's really normal to think about someone else for a second like that. We're animals, us humans. We are not perfect. Having a thought pass through your head is not the same as condoning the thought, or acting on the thought. Sometimes it crosses my mind to abandon my life here and work on a cruise ship or something equally far fetched, but I immediately dismiss it because they are not good ideas, and I'm not going to act on them. You healthily dismissed the idea of going for this other person. You did the right thing. You don't need to tell your boyfriend. That will only serve to potentially worry him, and there is really nothing for either of you to worry about with this particular issue.

I hope you are reassured. Sending you positive calm vibes x

[dancerja]

well, actually, I did tell him. Part of my issue, is compulsively confessing things to relieve my anxiety. He got very upset, but he is doing his best to understand. I just keep thinking about it, even though I know in my heart that I love my boyfriend. I feel like I'm sinking and can't get out of the pool. Like I'm watching myself drown. I want to be happy, but the thought keeps coming back, every time I forget about it, it comes back. I don't know how to deal with it. Will this be forever? :( ugh It's also been rough because he currently is working 3,000 miles away. The fight, the break up all happened when we were in separate states. He comes home may 1st, so I hope that helps, I dunno.

[Davit]

This is called associated memory and is common. It bothers you because it is sexual. And that is why it is noticeable. If it was about shooting your co worker it would bother you but not for long because there would be no third person involved to keep it alive. Unless your co workers partner was a friend. There is nothing wrong with you, but it can happen again when some associated thought or action happens.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi and welcome to NMP

It's worth having a look at this thread that a few of us address supporting each other on because the OP has this exact issue and you will find information about beating this:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=160638

[dancerja]

Sorry, But I'm not sure what you mean by OP.. Im new here.

---------- Post added at 07:01 ---------- Previous post was at 06:58 ----------

And Davit.. I am not quite sure what you mean by "associative" memory.. I understand what you're saying, and that makes sense but what does that have to do with my associative memory.. sorry..

[MyNameIsTerry]

Its the original poster Pinguanxious, who has the same issues over her boyfriend and a need to confess her thoughts to him.