loss of identity / post-DR / bpd / identity crisis

[xvolatileheart]

Can you imagine us on a zen Buddhist retreat?!

What I meant about identity was that schizophrenic and bipolar people frequently dislike taking their medication because it makes them feel "flat", like they've lost their personality. Does that make sense? The mental illness kind of framed their way of thinking and they miss it because it's familiar, it's part of their identity. I'm feeling that way about my anxiety - my medication reduces my anxiety, but I don't feel like ME without my anxiety. It has always played such a big role in how I think and act, and now I just feel empty. Just don't feel myself right now.

When I say anxiety, I mean the excessive worrying and thoughts. Panic is the really intense version that has physical symptoms and makes me feel like I'm really truly losing my mind or dying right that second. I should clarify - I do NOT miss panic. If I could never feel panic again in my whole life, that would be fantastic. But my anxious thoughts, such as "I must turn in perfect essays" or "I need to accomplish things to please my parents", they are unpleasant but have made me achieve things. Do you get what I mean?

I completely agree that it's so cruel that our minds have developed a dilemma and a fear too great for us to solve. The thoughts, as you say, are not the problem. It would be nice to think philosophical thoughts and ponder the meaning of life were it not for the overwhelming fear that comes with it. I guess that's why I'm hoping the medication will work - that it will reduce the anxiety and I can stop fearing these thoughts and eventually I will stop thinking about it all the time. I just dream of a normal life with normal thoughts...

[lisa0406]

I totally get what you mean now

And you are totally right. You and me seem to be driven by worrying and observing and analysing our whole life - so how can we just "give that up"?!
What really amazes me about you is that you are able to still integrate some everyday worries like Uni into your life. To me right now everything seems so pointless and irrelevant and I am always just like how can I wver go on with life after everything I've gone through / am going through?
Sometimes in the last couple of months when I was in Uni i was just walking around like a ghost and I hear people talking and I talk to them but how the hell can I think about nonrelevant stuff like essays and philosophical questions when I am just trapped in the awe of existence. A) I am terrified of philosophy at the moment bc of my existential / philosophical crisis B) everything is sooooo pointless and so first-world-problems and just so strange and irrelevent C) but it always meant the world to me before and I was in my little bubble like the rest of 'normal' humanity and now that I am disconnected to all of this and unable to continue studying or getting a job or anything - I am nothing!
And if i go out with friends or something i get this aweful fear attacks that are like panic attacks but last waaaaay longer, mostly a few hours, they feel like sheer terror while at the same time I get a fatigue and headache attack. It is like my whole body and mind being like: nope you cannot go on with life even if you tried, bc I will invent symptoms and attack you with it hehe.
In those fear phases i am mostly even more aware of existence and soooo frightened. I feel like i imagine a PTSD soldier feels.
Even though most days - just like you, I don't feel a thing.
And I am always worried that someday I will have symptoms that even none of you forum guys will have and that I suffer from a post-modern philosophical disease that noone can cure and that I am one level crazy that is uncurable and the doctors just say: you're fine!
while I am like nooo i am not my whole reality perception is ****ed up and i donÄt feel anything but it is not DR/DP anymore argh.
Okay sorry this shit really gives me hell atm.
How are you holding up?
love, L

P.S. I would really like the buddhist retreat- let's just all meet up and go to a field trip or something! Haha can you imagine all of us on the DR/DP and OCD threads going on a field trip together in our little shuttle bus educating buddhists and all these hipsters that are searching for enlightenment in India

[xvolatileheart]

Hey Lisa, How are you getting on?

I'm having a shit night, so I'm here to try to calm myself down. Such a stupid reason as well - I was getting in the shower when I thought "what if I went into a psychotic state and my housemates had to smash down the door to find me naked and insane in the bathroom?" But then, I didn't go into full panic attack mode like I usually do (presumably because the pills are working) and that worried me even more - like it was a sign that I'm really going crazy, because now I just accept it! I didn't even freak out so it must mean I'm truly losing my mind! Just so sick of this.

I completely know what you mean when you describe the attacks you get when you go out with friends. It just heightens the realisation that I am not like a normal person, that my friends can have a nice time and never even think about this stuff and yet here I am, out socialising and still thinking about consciousness and existence! It makes me so incredibly anxious, feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, then I just want to go get in my bed alone and not face reality. I guess it's easier to feel numb, even though sometimes I'm so numb I think my body must be dead.

So fed up with these thoughts and feelings. I can't tell if I'm getting better or worse anymore, it flips 10 times a day. Don't know if it's even possible to get much worse, I feel like the most insane person ever and beyond help most of the time. I apologise too, I'm feeling really low right now.

Hope you're getting on better.

[xvolatileheart]

Read this quote today and thought you would enjoy it: "The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight."

[lisa0406]

Hey hun,
I have to say that I had to smile to myself a bit when I read your first lines because you are really the cutest anxiety sufferer ever! It is just your mind terrorising you, I promise! How do I know? Well, I am suffering from health anxiety (which is all there is to say about this thought pattern of yours that night bc you are by no means psychotic!) too. And so that we're even I am going to tell you a fun story too: Few days ago I drank too much tea in too short a time and I got a bit dizzy and headachy and suddently i totally freaked out and was sure I am dying of water poisoning! I was in terror for like two hours straight calling my two best friends telling them that I am about to call an ambulance...because of...water poisoning -.-

Of course I am really sorry to hear what your were going through that night. We are so so similar it is ...crazy. I think that it acctually is a good start to not have a panic attack - it is just a part of your mind (and the medication) telling the rest of the (anxiety) mind "you know what **** it okay then let's be psychotic I'm fine with this, I accept it" aka "do whatever you want you cannot make me freak out anymore". So that is acctually really good!! But I know very well this evil anxiety mind with its twists and turns trying to change this anti-anxiety attempt into even more anxiety aka if I don't freak out then this must be proof that I am crazy...

Do you know that moment when you read these experiences of others and it becomes way easier to recognise the anxiety talking than when it is taking place within the own mind This is something I had after reading your nightly shower experience.

And i feel the same when it comes to not knowing wether it is a good day or a bad day or whatever. It flips all the time, sometimes socialising comes easy and one is like yeah now I am finally getting better and back to my old reality bubble, next thing I know I remind myself "but there are all these thoughts that are awaiting you.." and I am freaking out again or getting even more numb then I already am just like you describe.
And you really don't have to apologise, I know how you feel and I am feeling very low most of the time too.

And the socialising part- you know yesterday I met an ex of mine and we went for a walk and I was so numb I couldn't feel a think but was also in terror bc I was like what if this makes my subconcious even worse and will give me even more mental hell. And we talked about life and stuff and I felt like I am just not the same person anymore since last fall (when I made the acquaintance of DP/DR), talking about life...I just sat there talking like a robot...like "what can I remind from life from before? What would I have said a few months ago?" and went on with it. But really it all felt like I lie, I cannot adapt to "normal life" anymore, I am somewhere else, someone else, someone numb. My thoughts are so muddled in this existential stuff, everything was so traumatising those last few months.

I really wish there was just a way out. Like I could just forget about everything that happend. Just flip and be me again. But I watched a youtube video from one guy who suffered from DR as well and he said what I guess is plain truth: DR changes you, you are not the same person anymore. And he said something that indeed makes this quite logic: If we would be that same then before we wouldn't have learnt anything from what DR/DP wants to tell us.

One last thought: this morning I was on tumblr and there all these annoying quotes like "your soul is an ocean and everything happens for a reason" or whatever and before last fall I loved these quotes and liked these ideas while now I'm all like -.- yeah right life is just life and it is strange and there is no point to it and all you little indie hipster girls are not ****ing special, noone is.
Reality to me atm is just this big mind**** concept that overwhelmes me.

And i am seriously wondering - how can we ever recover from that?

Sorry for the long post. Sending you my best wishes! Talk to me anytime and tell me about your day or the daily worries, panics, thoughts. <3

P.S. Love this quote!
P.P.S. One member of the forum has this great signature saying something like: I'm the kind of crazy noone warned me about because nobody even knew this level existed!!!

[xvolatileheart]

I just replied to your message but I'm replying here too.

Your story really cheered me up, because that is EXACTLY something I would think! My goodness, we're so similar. I wish you weren't suffering, but it makes me feel better to know there's someone out there who understands how my mind works. (Although I definitely don't feel cute when I'm having my freakouts ) I do hope it's a good sign that I'm getting the panic under control.

What you said is exactly right - when you read it happening to someone else, you instantly recognise it's just anxiety and nothing serious, yet when it happens to you it feels catastrophic!

Feeling like a robot who just says the things I'm supposed to say, yes. Exactly that. It's like I'm playing the part of the person I used to be even though inside I know I'm not that person at all anymore. It's so ****ed up. I don't want this learning experience. Why doesn't everyone have to go through this if it's such a special enlightening experience?! It's not fair! I'd rather be the stupid, naive old me who doesn't suffer like this! Now I'm cynical and anxious and life feels pointless. I'm like a grumpy old man in a 26 year old female body.

You made me laugh out loud about the tumblr quotes God, I totally relate. I used to love quotes and now I cannot stand that crap. They think they're so deep, it makes me want to scream "these are just some words that sound nice with a pretty background, it doesn't mean anything!!!"

So at least you made me laugh today! Thanks for that. Hope your day has been okay x