loss of identity / post-DR / bpd / identity crisis

[lisa0406]

Well. I don't even know how to start.
I am diagnosed with high-functioning borderline personality disorder (sucks right). I was a very successful student and did my BA with 1,5. I am currently majoring in MA cultural analysis.
Since last fall I suffer on and off with DR and some kind of burnout. Now it is mostly gone and left me with existential anxiety, obsessive thoughts and just a mess, I am not even able to continue studying, especially not as I am sutdying mostly phliosophical theory!! I try but I break down regularly. It's like being totally traumatised by the DR. And - I try to find my way back into life but it just doesn't seem possible anymore. Like Neo in Matrix only that I decided to just go back but now the rabbit burrow (did they call it like that in the film?) doesn't really feel the same. It's like an old shoe that doesn't fit. And I look around in my room and I feel like all of this doesn't really belong to me anymore. Like I look at my bookcase and feel like who is this person that did all this (I know that it's me it just feels strange and exhausting), when the hell did I do all this (of course I know when it just feels so exhausting just thinking about it).
I have to admit that I didn't really like studying for a while now but I was always just so good at it and now I feel like everything is different since the DR came and went and I am just a mess. I am suffering from anxiety attacks und fear and I just feel so ****ing isolated. Like, I don't know who I am anymore, just exhausted and overwhelmed by life. I just feel like something is not right with me, contantly on the edge of panic, feeling like I'm ****ing losing my mind (yep, I can totally relate to all the posts about DR and the fear of going insane, schizophreniac and so on).
As I am unable to study any longer I decided to go to a mental clinic and let me get some help. My therapist says my mind is just absolutely out of control and yeah, she's right. It's just so horrible - my biggest fear was always to go insane and that this takes away everything and now it does! I feel like I am noone, like everything I own doesn' really represent me, like I'm a different person now. I mean, I am still me but you know what I mean - right?
I'm just one of these people who's obsessed with thinking - I can't not think, it gives me control but right now it just makes me feel like I'm going insane. I don't know - I feel like I don't really said what I wanted to say because it's so hard to explain - I'm just so ****ing confused with life and everything.
Please, can anyone relate to this or something or has any tips?
I'm really looking forward to getting institutionalised help because I feel like I can't do this on my on (or well once a week with the help of my therapist) anymore. It's like DR just kicked you out and now it took everything from you. Crap!

[xvolatileheart]

I can relate to allllll of this. I'm so sorry you're going through it. :( We are definitely a group of over-thinkers, which is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others. Like you, I'm an academic high achiever - BA Psychology, MSc Neuroscience, and now studying Medicine. This type of thinking and over-awareness is commonly seen amongst philosophers and other great minds throughout the past. Unfortunately, I find it extremely anxiety provoking and suffer horrible panic attacks from the obsessive thoughts which circulate in my mind constantly.

After 3 years of living in my own mental hell, I have finally decided to start medication. I hope that by reducing my anxiety (and the resulting depression), I can process these thoughts in a more healthy and constructive way.

I hope you find help. Know that you're not alone!

[Oosh]

It's from reading posts like yours that makes me realise I had this, especially the title - identity crisis etc. I'm more or less fine now but a fear/intrusive thought of mine is this numbness/loss of identity/loss of emotion. It's rare now though and I have control over it.

When I'm enjoying myself I fear going numb and not knowing myself again. I work at rebuilding my mood when this happens and remember the things I enjoy and that bring confidence. It can lift as quickly as it arrives if I focus on the right things. I just have to remember the right things and it all comes back.

All I can say really is it passes. Look to enjoy and laugh as much as you can and start to feel yourself and get to know yourself again. Things aren't as terrifying as they feel.

It may take some time but it'll pass.

[lisa0406]

thank you both for your comments! they really help me a lot! @xvolatileheart I really hope you do get better, too! We really are blessed and cursed at the same time huh. Feel free to contact me anytime if you wanna share your experiences or just tell me how u are. You're not alone either! @Oosh thank you for your optimism! Really helps to hear about someone who overcame most of this shitty experiences, it gives me a bit of hope!

[xvolatileheart]

Thanks, Lisa. Having been going through this for over 3 years now, I have had every crazy, terrifying thought imaginable. But I'm still here and haven't lost my mind apparently! I'll let you know how the medication works and if it helps with the DP/DR.

What type of help will you be receiving?

[lisa0406]

Well, as I am having kind of a tripple existential crisis, one being post-DR induced fear over-analyzing obsessive thoughts hypochrondia anxiety not matching the genaral rabbit burrow (yes I like the Matrix metaphor a lot) and so on, one being totally "there" again (DR almost gone) but not really matching my own rabbit burrow anymore and freaking out because of that, one being the 'normal'v burnout kind of "what am I going to do with my life" indentity crisis borderline style, I am about to pause my MA at the moment and seek professional help at a psychiatric hospital. I wanted to do this for months now but I just tried so hard to just carry on hoping that my ambulatory therapy sessions once a week would be enough and I could just 'forget' about everything. But my therapist and I decided that I need to get some rest, get my feet back on the ground again and let the professionals do the work and try to calm my mind (as it is now my mind is seriously dominating me) and be there for me round the clock. I chose to do this near my home town because I just need to get out of my university town for a while and my family is really supportive. Still can't believe I have to pause or maybe will quit my MA (as I said I didn't really like it for a while now but i don't know wether this might be depression/ burnout based or just normal loss of interest). It's just you know... I had my whole life planned out. I was always my biggest fear to just "go crazy" and fail at everything i always wanted or, like sylvia plath once wrote "well-educated, brilliantly promising and fading out into an indifferent middle age". And now look at me...

I am taking Mirtazapine (7,5g) to help me sleep and today my doctor prescribed Paroxetin, too. And even though she fordbid me googling (obsessed with dr. google of course -.-) the medication and everything around it - I totally did it and am now afraid to take it because of course I only read horror stories about it. But well as she said she doesn't know how long the waiting list of the hospital will be she wants me to take these to bridge the time gap between now and my stay.
What medication do you take? And how do you cope with studying vs. anxiety atm? x

[xvolatileheart]

It definitely sounds like your mind needs a rest. The worries do pile on top of one another, until it feels the problem is getting worse and more unmanageable by the day. Try not to worry about your studies for now - get your mind back to a healthy place then decide what you want. An experience such as this is bound to change you as a person and may alter the course of what you do in the future anyway! This episode doesn't have to define you. You still have plenty of time for goals and accomplishments.

Please don't read about the medication and trust in your doctor! I put off taking medication for three years because I was convinced it would only make me worse. But in fact, delaying my recovery was more harmful than any medication could have been. I wish I had trusted the doctors and started receiving help sooner. I am taking citalopram, a very low dose right now, but likely to increase it next week as I'm not feeling much effect so far.

I don't really know how I cope with studying and anxiety, if I'm honest. I just try and get through each day. It feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I've not done as well as I would have hoped, but I have comfortably passed all of my assignments and exams so I can't really complain. I think the fear of failing drives me more than anything. I truly feel that if I didn't have my academic accomplishments, I would have nothing to live for. I don't really have an identity outside of my studies. Not the best motivation for studying, but I'm afraid that's the reality of the situation right now! I have always loved medicine since I was a child so I believe once I've come through this episode of anxiety and depression that I will be able to enjoy my course and career.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit negative and depressing. I put on a happy face everyday in real life, so this ends up being my outlet where I can say my true feelings. x

[lisa0406]

yeah well, without my academic achievements I have nothing to live for either so thanks for reminding me :( ..which makes my life even worse and me being kind of nothing now. studying was everything to me and now I am lost and noone. What a crappy life, yay!
You know in as well as after the DR everything seemed so pointless - I was really suffering from existential thoughts and solipsism and fear. The things I do seem so first world problems. Studying was really so far away from me as I was struggling so hard to stay sane, in that state uni was the least of my problems.
You have nothing to fear as you are going to be a doctor so you will lead a very comfortable life. I guess that's the difference between us. So at least you have anything. Wow I am really sad and a mess right now. This sucks.

[Oosh]

Hey don't give up hope. Take a break and then give it another try. You'll get there.

[xvolatileheart]

I'm really sorry if anything I said made you feel worse. That was certainly not my intention. I was just explaining my personal feelings which are NOT rational or true! Neither of us are defined by our academic achievements, our value as people is MUCH greater than that, so we need to challenge that kind of thinking.

Going through this experience also doesn't mean that this is what the rest of your life will be like. I know it can feel that way, but it's not true. Plenty of people have gone through similar things and gone on to live a normal life. You have a lot of life ahead of you, so don't let this experience define you.

I've been going through this for over three years now. I've had the lowest lows possible. I know how shit it is, trust me. You manage to keep going forward, and eventually it gets better.

Oh, and being a doctor doesn't automatically mean I will be comfortable. I would rather work in a shop and be happy than work as a doctor and deal with severe anxiety and depression. Our mental health is the biggest determinate of our comfort and happiness, not our career. Focus on getting your mind back to a healthy place and worry about the rest later.

Sending you good thoughts and well wishes.