loss of identity / post-DR / bpd / identity crisis

[lisa0406]

hey you guys, sorry if I sounded so really very depressed - you know how it is sometimes when you feel like you hit rock bottom and just get grumpy and sad and hopeless.
@xvolatileheart really sorry if I snapped at you (not sure if one says that in english), it is just I really admire your strength to keep on studying - to me with all these crazy thoughts and the DR going on I had the feeling that even uni is not real and just too much, it seemed so pointless just like everything else I saw.
I guess I'm just in this really heavy life-crisis, living with my mom again who is really worried about me and tries to help me by making plans moving back in with her and maybe getting a low-level job somewhere in this area which is exactly what I NEVER wanted which makes it even worse and hopeless. Really sorry everyone, depression is really kicking in and this is certainly not the place.
@xvolatileheart do you think that your anxiety etc. has to do with you being a doctor? Really sorry to hear that. I know the feeling, me being an incapacitated philosophy and culture student atm. And wow, 3 years. Really amazed by your strength!

[xvolatileheart]

I totally understand. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I really know how horrible it is.

How are you getting on? Have you had any help yet from the doctors? Please please please be gentle with yourself. It's okay if you need to live with your mom and take a break from your course right now. This isn't forever! Your mental health is most important right now, so do whatever it takes to look after yourself.

I do think that I chose to be a doctor because I was curious about death and illness as a child, I worried about it from a young age. I like to know more information to make me feel safe. But I also love working with people and I love science, so it is a good job for me as long as I can control the anxiety.

[lisa0406]

hey.
well, I'm gettting on but most days I don't even know how. I feel like something in my head isn't right. Like my whole me withdrew itself into kind of a third person or observer perspective. I still feel like being stuck in DR even though I am kinda sure that it left me but the perspective stayed - you know how I mean this? I feel like I've lost touch to reality even though I am still me functioning, I am able to talk to my family. But I feel like I am watching everything from a movie perspective. Then stupid me googled schizophrenia and there they wrote most people describe it as though 'something is not right' and that is exactly what I feel like and this scares the hell out of me obviously. My anxiety mind kind of got stuck in something I don't know how to explain. Is this madness?
And since the DR and the DR aftermath (the observer perpective my brain still has, the existential philosophical horror, the anxiety, the fear that lasts for hours, me crying in front of my therapist telling her I am seriously losing my mind, me reconsidering the world very clinical, me watching a movie or reading and only analysing what mental illness anybody might suffer from, me seing mental illnesses everywhere) I just feel like I am not getting out of this. What if this is not anxiety, what if I suffer from something noone can understand and nothing works and nothing can help me?
Oh dear god I really am a mental trainwreck.
Most days I just try to bear my mental state. My mom asks me if it got better in the meantime and everytime I have to say no it is still the same I am stuck in some mental nightmare for 6 months now. And I try to talk about the normal everyday stuff but since everything I am going through it acctually seems so far away from me, like noone can even imagine. I think people who return from war kinda must feel the same. Do you know what I mean? Everything I (and many people in this forum go through) goes beyond what most people experience. They are just in their comfortable little reality bubble whereas I am stuck somewhere else. Urgh.

Well, change of subject: I adore you wanting to be a doctor. I always wanted to a doctor when I was little (and a jorunalist and a shark scientist and a detective and....). How are you holding up? What medication do you take?
I take Mirtazapine but I acctually want to talk to my doctor about not taking it anymore because it makes you dream sooooooo much and so vivid it is terrifying and doesn't make my belief of being absolutely insane any better.

---------- Post added at 10:39 ---------- Previous post was at 10:29 ----------

I just feel like with DR I experienced this massive insecurity and a loss of confidence in the reality that i had before DR and it makes me suffer from horrible fear attacks that sometimes last hours. Also since they diagnosed me with BPD I just received myself as pathological through and through. This all made my very insecure in everything.
And I wish I could write this all more coherent but it is so much that I don't really know how to start. I wish my stupid panic attacks had just returned, those I knew how to hande. Why did my body in a phase of great stess decide to punish me with DR and fear and the whole existential numbness losing my sanity aftermath. Argh.

---------- Post added at 10:44 ---------- Previous post was at 10:39 ----------

one last thing I wonder: is it normal that one just wants / needs to isolate oneself from friends and so on? Like, when I'm with my friends it is so hard to concentrate on their normal problems and news bc that is sooooo not on my radar at all. Also I just want to be back where they are and cannot bear the thought of where the hell I am at the moment so I isolate myself even more. Do you understand what I mean? Do you know that feeling?

[xvolatileheart]

Everything you've written, everything you feel and fear, how you see the world and yourself... I relate to all of it 100%. I promise you, you are not alone. I am constantly thinking "No one has ever felt this bad. Nothing is going to help me. There is no way out, I'm going to lose my mind."

My anxiety also started with frequent panic attacks, which scared the hell out of me, and after suffering with those for a few months, the DP/DR began. I think it's a normal reaction from prolonged stress and anxiety, which is probably what you experienced as well. It is meant to be a way of the mind protecting itself but unfortunately it makes it WAY worse, worse than anything I've ever experienced.

I can relate to isolating yourself. I used to be very social, I loved chatting to people and friendship came easy to me. Now, I don't really enjoy socialising very much, it makes the DP/DR feel worse. My mind is always focussed on my problems, or I analyse the conversation as it's happening rather than staying engaged. I wonder if I appear normal, if this is really happening, why I don't feel emotions, why I don't feel connected to the person. I live with 5 people so I talk to them everyday, but I also spend a lot of time in my room. I used to hate being alone but now I would spend all day alone if I could. I feel safer and more comfortable when I'm in my bed alone.

I'm doing okay I guess. Up and down, one day I'll feel pretty in control then the next I feel completely disconnected and scared. I'm on citalopram, have recently increased my dose and I'm having horrible dreams, too. I wake up feeling terrified and kind of confused and feel even more dream-like which does not help the DP/DR, but I'm trying to stick with it to see if this side effect fades away.

How long have you been on mirtazapine? Is it the first medication you've tried?

[lisa0406]

even though of course I am so sorry that you have to go through a similar hell it is acctually really good to hear I am not alone. I think that many people on this forum really suffer from a typical anxiety thought spiral that is totally terrorising us at times.
And you have a really accurate way of describing it. I read an old post where one called the post-DR state an altered state and it really is. I read from many people who got out of it and everything was fine but with me it's different, some days I cannot even differentiate whether I am DR'ing or not. My brain is just seriously taking a totally wrong turn.
I had my first panic attacks 7 years ago when I was 18. But I was able to control them once I knew what was going on (until then it scared the hell out of me just like you described) but I never had any professional treatment those days. But I suffered a nervous breakdown in 2014 which still didn't stop me from going full speed privatly as well as uni-related. And then, one day when I was really desprerate and in great private and uni stress the DR came. With it great fear attacks which are even worse and much longer than panic attacks. Also I had this existential philosophical crisis, hypochondria, my anxiety shifted from one thing to the next. The DR is gone now most days but my head...it's somehow damaged since the DR. You are totally right, it is a way of protecting us but seriously it made my life a living hell.

As to the isolation - good to hear that I am not the only one. You know I'm extremely talkative and social but since the DR and existential solipsism and fear state and all I just feel like I'm not the same anymore like it kicked me out of normal life. So I really most days am not in the mood to see anyone. But well at least one socialises with other sufferers and it seems like you and me are very much alike.
Also I can totally relate to the good days bad days thing. It seems like anxiety or whatever is like "hehe I'll give her one good day followed by 2 weeks of terror hehehe".
I just feel like this car that rushed right through the crash barrier and my mind is the alarm device terrorising me even though now I totally get it that i might have had a little to much speed while driving so please just ****ing stop!

Mirtazapine is my first psychopharmacologic drug - they prescribed it to me a few months ago I think. Vivid dreams is a typical side effect, even though it acctually works like a sleeping pill. At first it was horrible 'cause it kinda artificially produced the DR state by making me very very tired and feeling drunk, dizzy, not really there. But that wore off a few days later after i had to halve the dosis. The first two weeks i slept 14 hours straight. But the anxiolytic effects don't acctually kick in and the vivid dreams are seriously making things worse just like you described yours so -.-

Are you thinking about changing your medication? Are you in therapy?
I am really seriously wondering how professionals will help bc I am at a point where my brain is so clever and vicious and I cannot imagine how one can help with that...

[xvolatileheart]

We're nearly the same age, too. Very much alike.

Mirtazapine isn't a usual first choice, so it's kind of surprising they picked that one. I'm going to stick with the citalopram for at least a couple more weeks to see if I'm feeling a difference by week 6. That's the usual time it takes to notice a difference with an SSRI. I start cognitive behavioural therapy next week. This will be the second time - I had it about 3 years ago but it didn't do much.

I feel EXACTLY the same as you about how anyone is going to help. My brain is so manipulative and always a step ahead of me, setting up the next trap. Any time I feel like I'm making progress, it's like "very good, here's the next challenge." I'm exhausted. I just want a break from all of this.

[lisa0406]

They prescribed mirtazapine so I could at least sleep even though I told them that I couldn't sleep before all the crap DR and co. started but they told me it is anxiolytic, too. I am starting my clinic stay in a few weeks and will ask them to change my medication because I don't think I need sleeping pills but I dunno some wonder-pill or something.
I think the anxiety brain is acctually sabotaging itself. Our brains are like big steam engines or somethink This reminds me of this old Disney movie Beauty and the Beast where Belle's father invents this wood chop machine but everything goes totally wrong and the machine is out of control. Seriously that is how I would describe our brains!

My doctor told me that this is called free-floating anxiety, when it always shifts from one thing to the next. With me it became so different bc I can no longer say I suffer from DR but acctually from a DR anxiety philosophical I dunno aftermath - you know?
One german expert on DP/DR calls it the philosophical illness bc it goes to the core of our reality perception, if we suffer from it as well as when we get out of it. Well, how can anyone treat that in hospital? "Hello my name is Lisa and I suffer from post-DR philosophical aftermath as well as a now damaged reality perception which I am sure is just the pre-phase of pure madness...".. -.-

I really wish you could have a break, we all could just have a break - I mean if our brains wants to force us to take a break then why all this mental hell? Why not a gastric ulcer or don't know bad skin?! THIS is seriously not making things any better dear brain!

[xvolatileheart]

Yes, I have read quite a lot on the philosophy of DP/DR and how many philosophers, writers and artists have suffered from these existential thoughts. In a way I find it comforting - I must just be a tortured genius, right?! Some religions even find this to be a desired state, a higher consciousness. For me, I just want to be ****ing normal, thank you. I would trade in my intelligence for the ability to function like a regular person, having everyday problems instead of this. The higher the highs, the lower the lows... I'd rather be floating in the middle.

It kind of leads into the thoughts I've been having today. The medication seems to be kicking in for me, my anxiety is reduced, and yet I don't feel happy. I feel totally empty. I think unfortunately I don't have an identity outside of anxiety because I've experienced it my whole life. Anxiety is what has driven my thoughts for as long as I can remember. I was having existential thoughts as a young child! Without anxiety, I don't think I would have been so driven in life, I wouldn't have learned as much, I wouldn't have felt the exhileration of my achievements.

Here I am looking at my anxiety with rose-tinted glasses! I feel like a schizophrenic who longs for their unmedicated thoughts, or a bipolar who misses mania. It's most bizarre. I feel like I have to build a new identity because I don't know who I am. I just feel so empty.

Obviously anxiety has had a horrible impact on my life, leading me to over 3 years of constant hell. I just don't know what the outcome is going to be. Will I be medicated forever? Will I come off the medication and go back to how I was before?

I'm glad for you that you have the opportunity for a clinical stay. That's not offered to us here. You will have experts looking after your mental health everyday rather than battling it alone. I hope it's a big help.

[lisa0406]

Haha my thoughts exactly! I think that the difference between us and philosophers is not the intelligence but rather the fact that they did probably never experience DR/DP and all the anxiety / fear / panic / co. that comes with it! To them this is philosophing out of their cute little normal reality bubbles whereas we are I dunno enlightened without ever wanted to be. I would love to trade this state with some buddhist or something who meditates years. Seriously dude, how about stressing yourself, enlightenment awaits you there whereas people like you and me now have to meditate to get rid of it. Wow let's fly somewhere and tell all these religious esoteric people 'cause really they are doing it wrong

Same with me when it comes to anxiety and motivation / achievements! I talked about the stars and the world when I was four, at least my mother told me that a few days ago. I always since I can remember wanted to understand basically everything, whereas you seem to be the medical genius I cover the cultural side of it. But unlike you I even had to stop studying until I figure out how to study without freaking out. I mean, exactly the thoughts I am having and the strange unreal observer perspective i have - that is exactly what i am trained to be. But with the DR experience this changed to a whole new level. Acctually just arrived at my unversity town and met a few friends in the bus telling me about uni and stuff and I was like ..............ok bye!

When it comes to identity - I can't follow your thoughts there. Maybe you can explain? (bipolar missing mania und co.). But I guess now we both have the same problem. Our thinking got us into trouble - who the hell are we now and how can we get out of it? Forgetting what is happening doesn't really work at least not for me. Integrating it in my mind and life doesn't either. Hm....

When you talk of anxiety - do you mean the excessive worrying and thinking or are we talking about fear and panic, too? Me as a german I am puzzled sometimes about the medical terms that are used here

And well the clinical stay - sorry to hear that you don't have the opportunity!! On the other side well I am in therapy for a few months now already but it seriously didn't get me anywhere! And I am seriously wondering how things should change when in clinic?! Most of the time I will just watch myself being somewhere and cooking and talking but how can someone heal this philosophical crap? What medication is there to erase this? What if it comes back? What if I will stay like this for the rest of my life?
So as you can see I am not sure if someone can acctually help. But yeah, at least someone professional is around me. But what do they know? When I told them they thought I talked of panic attacks when I really meant something more, something longer, something that makes me freak out for hours. When I told them about my altered post-DR state they thought I was still stuck in it even though I acctually tried to say that I think it's mostly gone but my mind is still stuck in something, my emotions have stil vanished bla bla.

What are we to do I wonder? Funny who we are so smart but there is this one thing we cannot solve.
Mostly I hope that we can stay the way we are. I don't think your existential thoughts are the problem, but maybe it i the mass of it and the anxiety, the fear, the overwhelming feeling that comes with it, that crushed our good old reality. You seem like a great person and I would be really sorry if you had to give that up.
And seriously, I tried imitating the person I was before. Didn't work. Maybe our body and mind want to tell us that they don't wanna be like before (thats probably why they freak out in the first place!) but maybe someone changed...for the better i guess. Maybe body and mind should give us a ****ing instruction manual for that is all I would like to add to their probably good intentions!

[Daniele_T]

Have you guys read the book

Stop thinking and start living

?

I used to get depression and hard feelings of unreality but that book really helped me..sadly I am still an anxious type and likely always will be but..if you havent read it I'd highly recommend it.