How do you just keep going?

[.Poppy.]

I am in a bad place right now, I think. I have very low self esteem. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I have friends, but I don't ever want to do anything with them because I am honestly the 'ugly' friend and I just hate being seen in public. I have a job and am in school, but have no real idea where my life is heading. I really don't have much faith in my abilities at all.

I have this feeling that I need to pick myself up and get going. I have things I want to do, from cleaning my room to applying for internships next summer. But I just can't do any of them. All I want to do is lay down and stay there. I feel like as soon as someone calls me in for an interview (if they did) they would know that I was worthless. It feels like every attempt I make at making my life better fails.

I know I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way, but what on earth am I supposed to do? I don't know how to push through this.

My friend graduated from college today...she had a graduation party this afternoon but I couldn't make myself go. She's having a party tonight and then we're going to the bars; I'm going because I promised her that I would but I'm having a DD come get me before it's too late because I just can't face too much time around other people.

I have work all next week, and the very idea has be tired. I'm sort of new at my job and still pretty terrible at it, plus I just don't feel up to anything. I had a rough week of final exams where I thought I studied very hard and thought I was going to do well on some tests and didn't end up doing well at all, so honestly, what does it matter?

Sorry it's so long, I just don't really have anyone else to talk to so I figured I'd vent here.

[Zeldagirl]

I'm sorry your having a rough time. I can relate. Sounds like you have a lot going on that could be overwhelming you. I know when my life gets hectic I tend to shut down and not want to participate. At least the last few months anyway. Sometimes when I force myself to do things that I don't want to i end up having a really good time though. All I can say is take it one day at a time and it will get better. I wish there was an instant fix for us all. I hope you feel better

[Davit]

That is a pretty strong core belief but not an uncommon one. Where do you think it came from?

Poppy everything matters even the bad crap because it leads back to the beginning where this all started. Find the root core belief and I'll tell you how to change it and make all this go away.

[MyNameIsTerry]

You are not ugly, Poppy! Whats inside also counts remember and you have always come across as a kind, caring & intelligent lady when helping others on here.

This is low mood talking I think. For instance, you say an interviewer would regards you as worthless but you don't realise that no employer would waste their time interviewing someone they viewed that way. Even if you still don't get the job, it doesn't mean you are worthless - it means they either found someone else who was a better fit for them/more qualified/more experienced, etc or they don't believe you are quite what they are looking for in the role (again, not in any way connected to worth).

You seem to view yourself quite negatively and this latest issue with your tests is perceived as further evidence that you are worthless. But you are not, success isn't measured by exams or how far you get in this world - thats a materialistic viewpoint. It matters more to be happy, live the life you want to and be good to others.

Have you ever heard of Behavioural Activation? They use this in treating depression and its really just a fancy word for "do more stuff and do things you enjoy". Do you do things that you enjoy?

For the practical stuff, just start small and build up. Write down 2 small things to do today, two more tomorrow, 2 more the day after, etc. Then add a couple and see where it takes you.

Something I have found is that we get tired when we sit around. The odd thing is, if we get moving we seem to have more energy. The body is designed to work like this, more demand equals more supply of nutrients around the body as the blood pumps faster.

So, getting going with smaller tasks can help to ease you into doing more.

[lior]

I know exactly how you feel. You're describing depression very well.

Everyone finds their own way of getting through it. Other people can share what's worked for them, but ultimately you are the one who is in control. You can experiment on yourself to see what works. Try one method, and if it doesn't work, try another.

When I felt the way you felt, initially I put on a brave face and kept going to interviews for jobs, but didn't get them - I reckon because I came across as under confident. I'm still glad I had a go though. I proved to myself that even on dark days, I can still get out there and make contacts - even if I don't get the jobs.

After a few months, I sort of gave up. I stayed in bed more - I rested a lot more. I only did things that I felt like doing. I stopped being able to make myself do stuff I didn't want to actually do. I ended up cancelling a job interview two hours before, citing health reasons. They never got back to me. I felt kind of bad about it, but also pleased with myself that I did what was right for me - which is something I generally have had a problem with.

For me, that giving up phase was actually really great. Before I gave up, I was longing for more rest. I was overworked - burnt out. I needed a break. Sleeping a lot more helped my recovery. Since then, I've slowly added stuff back in to my life. I've maintained good habits - seeing my friends, counting my blessings, writing down good things that happen, eating regularly, going to bed on time, being kind to myself, giving myself treats. Those core habits over time led me to a better place.

It sounds like you have some work to do about figuring out what 'worth' is based on. There are many approaches to this. My CBT therapist once said that people can choose to believe things that will make them the most happy. That changed how I thought about belief. She's right - I'd rather believe stuff that makes me happy rather than stuff that makes me sad. I want to believe that I do have the power to make a difference, that I am a pleasant person, etc. Similarly, wouldn't you rather find a belief framework that makes you feel that you do have value? Maybe you can base your self worth on being a good friend, acting according to your values, trying your best? That way it's not dependant on external factors that you can't control. As I said - you have to find your own way of thinking about it that works for you.

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, guys. As always, your posts have made me feel better

I think my typical approach to my anxiety has been to just push through it. You know that song, "Move Along?". That was my theme song during the worst of it a couple of years ago...just keep going. Keep moving.

I guess I just feel like of tired now. I've had some successes, and I have some positive aspects of course. But it's so hard to get of that mindset. And it feels like for every good and positive thing that happens, a handful of bad things do. Or that situations that I thought were good and exciting ended up not working out or being what I thought they'd be, which just brings me down and makes me wary of getting excited about things now - who's to say they'll last or really be as good as I think?

I know it's a toxic thought process, I just feel so down and it's hard to break free. Maybe because I had a couple of years between my last really bad HA episode and this...I got used to feeling pretty okay and now it's gone downhill.

I will try to write good things down, that's a good thought. And make myself more into the person I want to be, rather than the one I think others want to see. And push on, forever pushing on

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think I was the same when I was at the worst point, Poppy, you get a routine going and slog each day out until things get easier. Its not ideal but its often all you have when there is little support for ages from the medical professionals.

Later on I think this type of routine can become more of a negative as you feel trapped by it. I've had a lot of problems with this and it is hard to change what you effectively made yourself into just to survive. We just have to change how we think and be non judgemental as much as possible so that we can allow the good times otherwise we invite the trap further.