Forgive me, this is probably going to be very long. If you'd like, you can skip to the end for the most recent stuff that's been happening. Basically, right now I think I'm suffering from severe depersonalization and I have no idea what to do. I'm 18, I don't drink and I haven't smoked weed since last year because it gave me panic attacks. Here's the full story:
A few months ago after a horribly stressful time in my life, I began getting headaches. I constantly felt sick, tired and depressed. About a month later, I hardly ever wanted to get out of bed. I had headaches every day. I no longer cooked or cleaned or did much of anything. I began to get very paranoid about my health. I was constantly worried that I had a brain tumor or some kind of severe illness. Then one night, I had a bad panic attack that led to me constantly feeling foggy and out of tune with the world.
Every day I felt worse. I was constantly either panicking, crying or feeling like I was in a fog. Every single day I would wake up, feel okay for a couple hours, start to get anxious about my brain and either having a tumor or going crazy, and then I would cry for about half an hour and then feel much better but in a weird very calm and dream-like state. This lasted for about a week until I finally saw my doctor, who basically had no clue where my headaches or mental issues were coming from. He prescribed me antibiotics and the headaches went away. For about two days I felt mentally well and then I started having thoughts about losing my mind. Not just going crazy but literally losing my thoughts, forgetting things, becoming a vegetable. I had these thoughts again for about a week and eventually they got slightly better. I went a few days feeling normal and then, last week, things fell apart even worse. I constantly felt like I was in a fog. I was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything. I felt like I was just floating through life, unable to hold onto anything. Then I had a couple days were everything was - for the most part - actually good. I went to a concert and didn't have any anxiety at all. I felt good.
The next day I had a giant existential crisis. I couldn't stop realizing that I was a person. Every time someone talked to me I got scared because it made me feel too real. I ended up having the second worst panic attack of my life that night. I wanted to stop existing and I couldn't (I didn't want to kill myself, I just felt horrifically overwhelmed with life and being alive). I took an ativan and sat with my dad and cried until the meds kicked in and I went to sleep. Yesterday was off/on. I mostly felt very out of it and like I couldn't reconnect with myself. I had a small freak out and cried a lot and talked to a friend online because talking to people in real life was scaring me. I felt better for about half an hour, then felt out of it again. Every time I tried to "reconnect" with myself I would get the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared of existing. Eventually I just went to sleep.
Today has been the worst day so far. I've tried going out and doing things and talking to people and I feel braindead and confused and extremely detached from myself and everything around me. I have never felt like this before. I feel entirely unreal. Even typing this I feel like I'm writing a story rather than sharing my own memories. When I look in the mirror I feel like the face I see can't be mine. It looks so far away and wrong. My head feels completely empty. Every time I speak I feel like it's not really me who's talking. When I try to have conversations it's like I'm on autopilot. I feel so far away from myself and my head feels so empty. It's the worst its ever been and I can't figure out how to get back to myself. I keep thinking that I might be dying. The world seems to slide in and out of focus. I'm so out of it I can't concentrate. I can't connect with any of my memories; they all feel like someone else's or just inaccessible, like there's something blocking me from getting to them. I don't feel like I'm engaging with the world at all even though I know I am, like nothing is really happening even though I know it is. It feels like I'm becoming brain dead while fully conscious. I don't feel panicky. I don't really feel anything, honestly. I feel like I didn't even type this. I just really, really want this to end.
So, anyone have any advice for right now? I'm going to see a therapist hopefully soon but I just really need to snap out of this. I feel like I'm dying and it's horrific.
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Originally Posted by thisisnotwhoiam
