Feeling Anxious about losing my partner to Cancer

[Carnation]

I did not know where to post this and I know there are probably no answers. But, I am so worried about my Partner.

He had a lump removed from his face nearly 6 weeks ago.
The lump had been there for sometime; about 6 years.
It was small at first and then shortly before he had it removed, it started to grow and became angry looking.

The Doctor has given the all clear, but I am worried that because he had for sometime, that he has left too late and the beast may have travelled else where.

You see, my partner has not looked well for sometime, even people say to me that he does not look well. He has aged and he wants to sleep all of the time. He has no energy and gets dizzy quite a lot. He keeps forgetting things and gets very confused.

I am panicking like crazy, because I fear I may lose him and we have not even had our Life together yet because we have been caring for our Families.

I can't sleep because of this and I can not discuss this with him for obvious reasons, but I know that something is just not right.

How on earth do I get this out of my head?

I know people get Cancer all the time; including my Mother, but because I had the breakdown last year, he has been my rock and obviously I want to get better again so that we have a future, but now my worries are all for him.

I just don't know what to do or how to cope.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Carnation,

A rough nights sleep for you looking at the time of your post.

My dad had one of those removed from the side of his nose several years ago now. He has had his for years and thought it was some form of scab that wasn't healing (and he did pick at it, much to my mum's annoyance!). In the end it started to look odd, like it was infected maybe, and this lead him to his GP who sent him off to the hospital.

He has it removed and had a skin graft taken from his thigh to repair his nose and it was a fair proportion of one side of his nose. They said without plastic surgery he wouldn't have a symmetrical nose and it would be noticeable but with him being in his late 60's by then he decided he didn't really care at his time of life. It was noticeable for a fair amount of the first year but as time goes by you stop seeing it. He is dark skinned because he worked outdoors for over 30 years so it was always going to stand out and take a year or two before it tanned anywhere close to his skin colour.

But he's still here and he is fine.

I think you have to think about the fact your partner had that for 6 years before they removed it. If he had a form of cancer that was likely to be serious or spread, would he still have been alive by the time they removed it? He certainly would have been very ill before then leading to more advanced treatment.

Also, think about how they have seen this and removed it. They would have performed a biopsy and wouldn't leave anything to chance. If they thought it could spread, they would be taking action to determine that and not discharging him. It would have also changed how he was treated in the first place since removing it wouldn't deal with this.

If he is having issues with confusion, tiredness, dizziness, etc then it may be worth him speaking to his GP. It could be any number of easily correctable things. Could it also be his anxiety as I know you've mentioned he is on a SSRI?

Honestly, in the last 2 years I have become fatigued A LOT. I have little energy, my energy slumps affect my cognitive ability, it drains my motivation, etc. I don't believe the way I feel is natural ageing because I'm only 39 and yet I feel much older physically. I believe there is a connection to my medication or maybe a deficiency somewhere but I don't have a good GP so I'm tasked with finding a lot of this out myself to then prod him in the right direction.

So, what seperates your partner from me? I haven't had that removed from my face but I have some of those symptoms. Thats not to say we are the same but to say that it doesn't have to be something sinister, it could be something that needs correcting but by a GP. There are other possibilities.

I remember the consultant telling my dad that those growths being cancerous are rare and they treat them all the time because they are common in people who have worked for long periods of time in direct sunlight. Now, thats a lot of people when you think about roadworkers, gardeners, farmers, etc.

[Carnation]

Hi Terry.

I really do not know what I would do without you.
You have sort of become a dear friend to me and seem to be always there in my times of need and desperation.
I had a terrible night, as you know. It was about 6.30am when I eventually got off and then I couldn't bloomin wake up! Thoughts kept going over and over in my head of worry and panic. You know the drill.

Do you know that if it was not for you and a few others, I would probably leave NMP. There is a very low percentage on here that take time to help others.
Like Life, it's all 'ME, ME, ME'!
I try to help others with my experiences and breakthroughs, but most of the time they don't really want to listen to any progression.

It sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself; which I am. (Just incase someone else mentions it). But, I am not getting much out of this for me.
And as you know, reading a lot of the posts can be quite draining and possibly damaging to ones own recovery.

Anyway, I though long and hard about the reasons for keeping me awake last night and I will just have to accept whatever is thrown at me, because let's face it, we have all got to go at sometime.

You may be right about the Meds.
Previously when my partner had Kidney Stones; yet another period of my Life nursing someone with an illness. He was on Tramadol and became quite addicted to them.
I don't know whether you know of this drug, but it completely knocks you out and you become quite detached from the real world.
(He came into the Pub one night wearing his pyjamas and did not realize where he was and all the punters were killing themselves laughing. Not funny really, but that is how bad he was and that was 7 years ago.)
He's been on lots of other Meds too. One of them made him gain weight drastically, even without eating. I will consider that a reason for the tiredness.

The worst part of the situation for me is feeling lonely. I know most of us on here have the same problem, but I really don't see or speak to anyone else apart from the people that I care for and the conversation normally revolves around; "Can you get me this? When's dinner? What's for dinner? Here's some more laundry or we have run out of..........". Very mundane and depressing day to day Life!

[Sunflower2]

Hey Carnation, I have seen your other posts and I really feel for you, you're having a rough old time. I just don't always know what to say as it might not be any use!

I guess Terry is the one with all the knowledge haha, Terry you do know so much on so many things!

But don't forget I'm always here for you too you've helped bring me through some rough times and I'd have been lost without your advice and encouragement to keep going!!

All I can say is, take one day at a time and see what happens. At the least I hope you can get out into the garden and enjoy the summer weather? My strawberries are almost turning red, got my veg patch growing, and also raspberries are coming on nicely!

[Carnation]

Thanks Kimberley.

It also makes me feel worthy to know that I have helped you.

[pulisa]

It's unfortunately what happens when you are a carer, Carnation. Friends melt away and you feel very isolated. Have you had a carer's assessment? I'm sure you have so forgive the stupid question! You really seemed to benefit from your last break and I do so hope that you can use your respite this week to get away? The weather looks ideal for the coast?

Personally I think you and your partner are pretty depressed (with good reason). Days just become a series of chores to be worked through, everything is overwhelming...? As you say, NMP can add to the feeling of hopelessness and despair and it's so hard to generate enthusiasm for anything after reading some of the posts on here.

Maybe you need a break away from your home environment and from NMP for a few days? Just to escape for a while and to get a different take on life? To do some simple, enjoyable things on your own terms?

Sorry, this probably doesn't help at all but I just wanted to try and give you some support if nothing else xx

[Davit]

Carnation,

My brother had two cancers removed off his face and will have a scar likely. One was benign, the other wasn't. He got clear borders so should be fine. He will keep an eye on this and I will keep an eye on him. I have a friend with multiple melanomas that have to be removed. I worry for her. More than she does, both cases I can just wait. Nothing I can do about that but it has changed my life. I can only live with it. When you choose to love someone you choose everything that comes with it. You can't walk away. You live with it and make the best but it doesn't mean you have to like it. Here for you.

[Carnation]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

Maybe I will take a break from the Forum when we have our respite period.
Coming on here can become a ritual like having a wash or brushing your teeth.

I am very sensitive and I don't know why, but I take everyone's problems around with me and worry about you all. I cry at the news, I cry reading the newspaper and I cry at seeing someone old struggling to walk around Town. basically, I just cry!
I have always had this mad ambition to make the world a better place and all that are in it. Maybe I should have become an MP?

Pulisa, I would like nothing more than to get away, but at the moment my partner does not think he is up to the long journey.

Davit, it's awful isn't it? I am forever staring at my partner's face looking for something. My Partner is knocked for six, because he doesn't even go in the sun and I am in it all day long!

Anyway, lets see how it goes.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I have always had this mad ambition to make the world a better place and all that are in it. Maybe I should have become an MP?

God no! You would have to put in a few sheds or so on expences to put them off the scent of you being in it to help others! I reckon you would be in the Monster Raving Loony Party with policies like that. Self serving, borderline criminal...now thats more like a MP!

There is nothing wrong in being caring and wanting to make the world a better place. Don't we need more people like that? Better than the "Twitter generation" and fame chasers that clog our media.

Places like this can become a ritual, I feel it myself and I take the odd night off and feel the benefit of it. I come on here to help people, learn from people, get my own support and talk to the regulars like yourselves who I feel I know a fair bit about so are more than just a username to me.

It is the case that a lot of people are just drifting from one crisis to another or breezing through looking for their own answers but to be honest I've learned to deal with that because these are such desperate health conditions that they can make us selfish without us realising. Those that stick around, new or old, are largely not like that and want to help others which can be seen in how they post on here. Its funny that most of such people don't really raise threads and talk more on the threads of others, like everyone on here ot stick to a few dedicated support threads for instance, yours, Kimberley's, and I talk to PinguAnxious & MrAndy a fair bit on a thread on the Depression board in the same way. I never used to read Kimberley's eating disorder thread until more recently and whilst its largely not for me, its a positive thread with people trying to move forward and I like that.

There is a piece of wisdom that works in many situations "a change is as good as a rest". If you are prone to obsessional issues like myself, whilst it can be hard, you really can feel a difference for it. What does harm you is the tedious repetition. I don't have your life and I'm pretty free by comparison, I have financial security too for now because of how hard I worked to save nest eggs so can get by on the minimums for a while yet, but this brings its own challenges and most of my life is on my own. This can be make you spend every day the same. I've often said days, weeks, months, years - just don't matter to me. I don't need a calendar other than for other peoples birthdays! So, I could live a life in the woods or mountains because I don't see time in the way working people do, like I used to.

Some people would see that as a paradise. Well, maybe when you can yacht around the world and do whatever you want in freedom but not when it leaves you so much time for your anxiety demons to reinforce themselves. Its counterproductive. But compared to the stresses of watching my back all day at work and fighting with idiots, is the lesser of two evils.

But you know what happens? You get USED to it. This is a very bad thing.

Ever seen The Shawshank Redemption? Classic film. One of my favourites but I always remember the scene with Brookes on the outside and how Red was reading his letter which led to a conversation about institutionlisation. One of the prisoners said it was rubbish and Red replied...

'These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.'

I can relate to that. When I used to go to the charity walk-in's to talk about my issues with others I used to describe this as "my bubble". This bubble shrinks and shrinks as your self confidence, self worth & self esteem decrease until your life is this little A-B and you struggle to veer outside it.

So, if you want to take a few days off, do it. Spend some time in your garden and in the lovely weather and try to experience it, really experience it. Do it the Mindfulness way. Gardening is one of the techniques you know.

If your partner feels up to it, just go out for a bit and leave your current environment. Go somewhere with happy memories or a feel good vibe.

When you want us lot, we've on here.

A change is as good as a rest.

---------- Post added at 08:13 ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 ----------

I guess Terry is the one with all the knowledge haha, Terry you do know so much on so many things!

I just ask her...

[Davit]

I just answered another annoying post that says there is no cure. One negative post can undo everything good in the panic forums. So much easier to believe that than to actually do something about it. They might have to get off their ass and do something about it.

So maybe the new cure should be a book on how to be cured by living with not being cured. But I think Mrs popular already did that.

I think I need a break.