Self Worth on the Floor!

[Mart0310]

For me Anxiety in the mornings is the worst, its the time I dont like being alone, absolutely hate it!

My wife has to attend an appointment today, I had planned to stay with my parents. Yesterday my mum came down with a stomach bug, which causes an obvious problem!

My wifes reaction was either you will have to stay with whatever friend is available, go to your parents regardless or sit outside in the car with high anxiety.

I know my anxiety is a pain in the butt for others at the moment but, It just feels like nobody actually cares what it does to me, heres your options - let your friends see you at your most vulnerable, risk picking up a stomach bug or have 30 minute public anxiety high alone in the car!

Maybe Im being oversensitive I dunno, but it just feels like my feelings (setting aside anxiety) jut dont count for anything, not valid

[MyNameIsTerry]

Morning Mart,

This is when that terrible word tends to crop up in our minds isn't it? Burden.

We really really don't want to feel like we restrict others just as much as we don't want to be going through this and just want to be better.

Sometimes though its like tha fates conspire and we are left with hard choices, none of which we would choose. Best of a bad situation.

You know in your mind that if your wife could be there, she would be, but something has come up and she feels she needs to do this appointment so it must be something important?

Its not being oversensitive, its feeling fear. We really don't want anymore of it and it can cause us to avoid lots of things. But sometimes we get stuck like this and have to decide what is best. Anyone who is scared wants help, thats just a basic of the fight or flight, but its always going to be hard for others to see inside that when they haven't been through it. So, we also have to make allowances it we can to help them out too, although it can be extremely hard for us to do.

Can you tell yourself that whichever of these options you choose, you are doing it for the right reasons? Something positive, like supporting your wife? (not that you alreadydon't, of course, its just something to try to fight it with)

[Mart0310]

Morning Terry,

Wise words as always! thank you!

Its not really the situation that bothers me so much, Its 30 minutes of anxiety, lets face it we have all experienced worse.

I think its more about the burden, and being made painfully aware that my anxiety is inconvenient to others. Its hard!

[Justanutter]

Morning Mart. Sorry to hear you are feeling bad at the moment. Mornings are always the worst for anxiety sufferers and as I think Terry has said in a previous post, it's something to do with the cortisol in our bodies affecting us at this particular time of the day.

If I were you, I would plump for the 30 mins in the car option. Can you take a book to take your mind of it or play a CD while you are waiting for your wife? 30 mins will soon pass if you are reading. Do some deep breathing as well as it will definitely help the anxiety calm down.

Hope it goes okay today, whatever you decide to do.

Take care.

[Sunflower2]

I'd also go for the 30 minutes of anxiety! You might even surprise yourself and not feel as anxious as you're expecting to. Think of it as an opportunity to broaden your comfort zone.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, it is. When I used to go to the charity walk-in groups, this was one that was discussed a fair bit. Two of us there live with our parents and we discussed how we don't like to add to their stresses and how they should be relaxing at that time of life. So, I can understand how it feels. I worry about the fact they are seeing me going through this, the strain it puts on them and even whether this could be the last they see of me and I don't want it to be like that!

Some things we have to apply some acceptance to. For instance, I'm 39 now, never been married and have no kids. I'm running out of time for that now and at times this gets me down. I try to accept it for what it is because I can't change it, only try to recover and hopefully find I have the time left. If I don't then I will have to face that and accept that life went a certain way and it isn't meant to be. It will get me down though.

So, I think when we practice things like acceptance, we have a whole load of practical scenarios that we also have to apply it to. One of them is how we do restrict the lives of others around us. BUT we also have to balance this because we didn't ask to be this way and we would give anything to have the lives we want for ourselves and our families - so we haven't intentionally set out to be a burden (I dislike that word!).

They end up practising this from the other side of the fence. They have to make some allowances for us. BUT lets balance it again. If you were in an accident and couldn't walk and your wife, GF or partner had to do things for you, how would you feel? I'm sure you would go through those low period where you feel a burden. It would be more socially acceptable of course with it being a physical disability, as mental heath issues are not recognised on the same level but you could easily apply that accident scenario to something that causes mental trauma or damage that means more help is needed to get through the day. Yes, it would be hard and would take some time for both people to adjust to a new way of living but they love each other so would find their way and also find how to live the live they want. Maybe we aren't so dissimiliar? Perhaps we fit more into that adjustment period until we are recovering enough to be able to do more with and for our partners?

So, are we perceiving this more negatively than we should?

Your wife obviously loves you, she's still there. At times its going to cause some rows because of how intrusive anxiety is on the relationship and the things you would be doing together if you could. I guess talking to each other, understanding each others current challenges and trying to help each other is what is going to help (along with recovery)

[Mart0310]

You're absolutely right Terry, this is more about my thinking than it is anything else. I guess what I feel a lot this time is shame, which is odd because I nver felt it last time around.

Im shamed by my own incapabilities at the moment. Being at home with my wife is part of our normal routine, we jointly own a business, so we literally spend most of our time together, asking for help outside of us reminds me how dependent I am right now, it also forces me to admit this to other people. and I guess that where the self worth thing comes from.

I know it wont be forever, I know Anxiety gets better, right now Im just feeling a little powerless I guess.

Weirdly facing the 30 minutes wsnt the forefront, it was how I felt about my options for dealing with it if that makes sense.

As for Marriage and kids, you still have plenty of time Terry! my brother didnt start his family till late 40s

[Anna1707]

You should not feel ashamed, never for something you don't have control on.

There will be times in life (and life always has its way of showing us how we were wrong at the time) when your wife and your parents will depend on you. You'll be their only rock to hold on to, when times gets tough. Even if that doesn't happen, if there is unconditional emotion and support, you should never feel like a burden.

30 minutes is such a short period of time. It almost took me 30 minutes to write this reply to your thread and make sure everything's written correctly which I'm sure I failed miserably. You can do a few things while waiting for your wife to come back. Distract yourself in the most bizzare way by cleaning the interior of your car, bring a wet dust wipe with you and clean all of the plastic interior surfaces you can get hold on to, without leaving the car.

Sometimes I do that while I wait for my bf, although I dont have any problems with being outside or in public even when I'm nervous. But you can sure try it. It's weird enough to make you stop thinking for a while. And it has a good purpose.

Stay strong

[Mart0310]

Thanks for your reply Anna. The last time I went through Anxiety, my parents and my wife supported me more than I could ever have expected. After my recovery, I never expected to feel like this again, somehow If feels wrong to expect them to go through this with me again.

[Anna1707]

Your parents has nothing, nothing more important, more valuable, more loved than you. It's their purpose in this life to be there for you every time you need them. Your wife.. if she loves you and I can see that she does, she took you, she chose you, in sickness and in health. Someday you'll be her help, that is how this life works.

So do not even for one second, suffer the stress of thinking - I'm being someone's burden. Think about how much they all want you to feel good again. Because they love you so much. And tell them all that. Don't be affraid to hug your loved ones and tell them how grateful you are. Tell them how much it all means to you. They already know, but still.. you know how it is

And again - you are not a burden to your family. That is a non-existent problem to stress about. So, abort, abort! try to move to a better place in your mind and convince yourself that you are just loved. Millions of people have never even felt what it means or how it feels when someone helps you through your bad times. You are so blessed, so hang on that like a magic medicine.

Best wishes