Hi all
First time posterI've suffered from varying degrees of panic attacks and socialised anxiety since I was 18. I’ve never been able to get to the route cause, only that when I was younger I felt myself becoming more withdrawn and inwardly focused. I was never a nervous child, quite the contrary, so such a sudden change in my mental health was worrying. I had a panic attack whilst at college and was ridiculed for it. I quit and from that point on, my life has been almost entirely governed by anxiety. However, it's only in recent(ish) years that I have found it has become extremely detrimental to my life; specifically career wise.
Now, aged 32 the emphasis to abide by the fundamentals of life ; career, financial stability specifically, are even more important. I want these things and everything in-between more than I can possibly explain, yet they continue to elude me and the older I get, the more frustrated and angry I become at myself.
What makes my anxiety strange is that I don't experience it all the time. I have days when I'll go out for walks with my partner or a bike ride and feel perfectly calm. But then, out of the blue I'll be hit by a panic attack and feel so riddled with anxiety and dread that I find it hard to even leave the house. After building myself up, rallying my confidence and using positive reassurance, to be then hit by a panic attack and extreme anxiety annoys me and makes me feel like less of a man. In fact, the only emotion I now feel in connection to my anxiety is that of anger and frustration. Unfortunately, as I have learnt, no amount of positive drive or determination seems to be enough to conquer my demons.
So, I find myself working a part time, low paid, menial job. And even that is difficult. I have a degree, but following being fired twice and having to resign three times (the last time was only three months ago) because of suffering from severe and regular panic attacks, my career lies in tatters. I question whether or not I will ever have a normal life, or if I'm destined never to fulfil my potential, stood at the side-lines watching as others move on with their lives.
I have been through cbt four times. Each time proved to be mildly successful, but not enough to help me to a level where I can cope in most normal everyday situations without feeling excessively nervous. I have never taken any form of medication for anxiety, but it is something I might explore. I would like to know though, what other options are open to me? My local docs aren't the best and I know so much about CBT now that I could probably practice it
There is so much more I could say, but I'll save my ramblings.
Thanks for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Michael
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