I don't know if I'm depressed or not; I just feel like there's no hope?

[.Poppy.]

Thanks Terry. I'll be sure to update and let you all know what the specialist says. My parents are somewhat excited to see him, which makes me nervous because if nothing works I feel like they'll be disappointed they'll never have a pretty daughter, but I may be reading more into it than I should.

I go between being kind of excited/hopeful myself, and in the other direction where I think nothing will work anyway so I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel a little bit better, which makes me think my extreme low was hormonally driven and my face is clearing up a *bit* (I started my cycle a couple of days ago). So, I really would love to discuss the possibility of me having out of whack hormones that are causing issues for me. We'll see...

[.Poppy.]

Well, my appointment is this morning.

I am absolutely terrified. I have been sick to my stomach and getting no sleep all week long. It's been a very long time since I've been in such a constant state of panic.

The urge to run and hide is so horribly strong right now. I keep thinking I can't do this, I can't face these people who are going to judge me in a medical sense and I can't face the disappointment of bad, "nothing can be done" news. I'm also terrified that they'll tell me "x will work" and after money spent, it doesn't. More disappointment.

But I realize I have to go. I'm going to have to force myself.

[swgrl09]

Good luck and happy that you are going! Let us know how it goes.

[.Poppy.]

Thanks. It was rough, but I made it through.

The doctor was really nice, but its a sensitive subject for me so everything he said made me feel like crap even though it wasn't his intention. My dad was there too and he was really eager to "fix" me which makes me feel self conscious too.

Basically, there are things he can do for the scarring. They take time, but that's expected. It won't be perfect, but I can accept any improvement honestly.

BUT I have to get the active stuff taken care of first. I honestly thought he'd be more helpful there. I personally think my issues are related to hormone imbalance, but he just brushed it off and said that accutane was my only option, with a 60% success rate. Kind of makes me feel hopeless - I need to get it under control.

So I am going to see my regular derm that I haven't seen for years for options. I've read it could be thyroid related (and I have other symptoms that may suggest that) and there are other hormonal drugs besides accutane that may help too. But again, I fear I will try something and it won't work and I'll just miss out on more time.

I'm hoping I can just have a good talk with my derm and maybe he'll explain some things or do a blood test to see. Fingers crossed something works.

But it looks like I'm still on this awful road for awhile yet.

Thanks for the support.

[swgrl09]

You know, I never did accutane because it made me nervous but I do have friends who had positive experiences with it. But good idea to go to your other derm for another opinion.

Something that helped my face tremendously was using the clarisonic brush with my acne cleanser. I used it leading up to my wedding. The first few weeks I broke out more but that's a normal reaction to any change in routine, especially something so exfoliating. But after that my skin was much better. They sell a body brush now that I might look into. It was expensive but worth it for me.

Do you have Lush near you? I found their black charcoal scrub great for acne too though messy.

[.Poppy.]

My derm suggested accutane years ago but my mother was scared of it too. I am a little nervous, but have a friend who used it with success (hers wasn't as bad though).

My main concern with it is that if there is something systemically wrong with me (like a hormone imbalance or thyroid issues) I don't know that it would be beneficial in the long run. Hopefully my derm has an answer.

My dad is gung-ho about the accutane...my mother isnt thrilled. She didn't come to the appointment with me so we'll talk tonight.

I can just feel the sadness, pessimism, and hopelessness creeping in though. Like no matter what, no matter how optimisitic others are, it just won't work for me.

[.Poppy.]

Okay, I have an appointment with my regular derm next Friday and hope to talk options then.

I was supposed to talk to my mother last night but they went out to dinner and when they got home it was like the matter was dropped and I didn't know how to bring it up.

I'm so terrified that nothing will work. I'm also scared because it will be quite expensive to treat and I'm afraid it won't work anyway.

Probably the hardest thing right now though is the feeling I get from myself, the doc I saw, and my father that I am at fault for this, like I eat nothing but fast food and bathe in dirt and grease. I have spent so much money and time trying to fix this. To be fair they may not know that because I'm so embarrassed of it I never talk about it, but I can't shake the guilt that maybe if I had been better or done better I wouldn't be wasting everyone's time and money now.

[Oosh]

Try not to project your insecurities onto your dad and the doc pop. Remember, they both probably had acne growing up too. I doubt they think your issue is your fault.

I had acne problems and had to go to the doctors too. I was put on oxytetracyclene ? It was a long time ago so don't ask me what it was. I just took it.

I know how hard it is to catch a glimpse of yourself and it to put you on a downer. I have been like that many times in the past and even now sometimes. I don't think anyone could have said anything to me to change that. It's a relationship with yourself thing.

See a world full of people who've had acne. You're not the only one.

If I see someone with acne nowadays I don't give it a second thought. "They've got acne. I've had that. "

I also know what it feels like when you don't believe something is fixable. Everything proved fixable and each crisis came and went. I find it hard to believe you are always going to suffer with acne. I think it's a fixable problem so don't run out of hope just yet.

One problem at a time ! Don't let them all mingle into one and overwhelm you !

It's a "difficult time" that's all. One that you'll look back on. Continue to have a problem solving attitude and don't let the funky moods slow you down or knock you off that path.

[swgrl09]

Agreed with Oosh's post completely. I think as I grew up I realized how common acne and other visible skin issues are. I don't think much of it. There is no way it's your fault unless you are pouring bacon grease in your pores and not washing it off . It's more likely genetic or hormonal. For me it's both.

The doc isn't judging you, he's used to this stuff and probably isn't even thinking anything other than what to prescribe and maybe what he wants for dinner. When I see clients, loads of people say please don't judge me or worry that I think they are terrible, but I honestly never do. I'm just thinking about how I can best help them.

I know it's hard to feel like you have tried everything, been there, and it helped to have a good cry but then get back on the horse and keep going. Hang in there

[.Poppy.]

Thank you both

It's something I've dealt with for awhile. I think it's hardest now because I just feel really lost and hopeless generally. I'm 24, still in college (I switched majors late), am living at home to save money, and am desperately trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I feel as though I need to be smart about my major, take classes that are intelligent and not just get "any old" degree, and I need to network and go on internships, etc. To some degree, I feel like my acne is holding me back but I guess I feel like my life is hopeless on the whole.

It seems every time I try to do research to find out what I want to do, what path to take, there are a slew of people saying "don't do that, it won't work, its stupid, its a mistake".

Honestly, I just want to be independent and relatively confident....but that seems more and more like a pipe dream daily. And I am desperate.

Again, thanks for the kind words. You guys really are great