Getting a job?

[AnnieLu]

Hello all,

Other than my brief introduction in the "Introduce Yourself" bit this is my first post here.

I was supposed to start a job today.
I didn't go.
Or rather, I went as far as their car park and came home again.
I tell myself that it was because it was in a call centre, and I have an irrational fear of phones, but in reality I'm just pathetic.

I have my 13 week JobSeekers Allowance interview thing on Thursday and they're going to want to know why I haven't got a job.
They're going to take one look at my experience/qualifications and say I'm more than capable of nearly every single job out there.
I know on paper I am.
But I just can't do it.

I wasn't even feeling particularly anxious this morning, or maybe I was and was just pretending I wasn't so I didn't have to accept that it was fear that stopped me.
I felt nauseous, but not to the extreme.
I could feel my heart beating and hear it in my ears, but again not to the extreme.
I have been taking Rescue Remedy, maybe that helped with the physical symptoms.
I thought I was able to cope with the psychological side. I've been though enough to be able to recognise the difference between fear and valid reasons. But lately the lines have been blurring.

When it came to the time to leave the house, I felt relatively calm...well, calm for 'just about to start a new job' anyway.
But on the way there I decided I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to spend 8 hours a day on the phone.
I wouldn't know what to do, and wouldn't be able to ask other people because they'd be on the phone too.

I know it would do me good to get out of the house.
My anxiety and social phobia feed off isolation.
Yet I still don't have the strength to push myself.
I stay here at home, where I feel safe wrapped up away from society.
Cocooned away from life.
But it can't last.
I've been out of work since June last year.
It's only going to get worse.
I need money.
I need a life.
I don't know how.
I'm scared.

I never thought I'd be back here again. Stuck in the house with pretty much no point in living.
I'm not particularly depressed at the moment, which is a good thing because if I were I could easily slip back into the suicidalness of 16 months ago.
I never thought I'd be a slave to anxiety again.
I thought I'd put it all behind me.
I should know better than anyone that if I just try then things often aren't as bad as I think they'll be.
But right now the "but what if they are?" feeling comes out top and leaves me sat here typing this when I should be at that job, taking the first steps to getting my life back.

xxx
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

[vivtwins]

Hi there, well first of all you are not alone as I'm sure you know. Also I know how you feel about being a slave to your anxiety. I pretty much feel the same. Its very disheartening to have beaten it once and then find yourself back there.

In respect of how you feel about once you take that step, yes that is true but it is hard to take it. Have you seen your GP recently? Do the Job Seeker people not take into account your anxiety and fears? I don't know how these things work.

I had to take my dog to the vet this morning and I nearly cancelled. I have a massive fear of needles and I was thinking what if I have a panic attack in the middle of the consultation. I did have an attack and I stayed in the room and I am still alive, didn't pass out or anything. I actually came back really pleased with myself that I didn't cancel the appointment.

I don't know really what to say to help other than share my own experiences! I wish you lots of love and hope that you can find the strength to make the next move for you to improve your life.

Lots of love

Viv xxxx

[AnnieLu]

Hi Viv!

First of all thank you for replying! And well done for not cancelling your Vets appointment this morning, it's a great feeling when you have those fears but manage to overcome them isn't it? It's just getting to the stage where I'm comfortable with overcoming them, that I'm struggling with at the moment.

I haven't seen my GP recently. I haven't really seen him much at all to be honest. I went out of suicidal desperation in October 2005 and received a prescription for Citalopram and a rapid referral to the CMHT. I saw them and was apparently being referred to a psychologist and psychiatrist for further therapy, but was discharged after only 2 appointments because I'd got myself a job, the medication was doing it's job and I was able to meet with a student CPN for coffee - something I said initially that I thought I'd find difficult.

The Job Centre people don't take the anxiety into account because they don't know about. As I don't see anyone at the moment, I don't think it'd even be worth mentioning because I can't prove it.

I know things will improve dramatically if I can get myself a job. In 2005, I was lucky enough to get a part time job in a cafe. Just enough hours to cover my bills, and zero responsibility. If I did something wrong, it didn't matter, it was just food. And also, serving customers face to face meant I discovered a whole new side to me - one that was capable of making small talk with strangers, something I never thought I'd be able to do! If I could get another job like that, I'm sure I'd be fine, but there are next to no suitable jobs available at the moment. And though I know in the past I've done ok in admin jobs, I have so little confidence in myself and my abilities at the moment that I'm scared of having any kind of responsibility.

I'm so frustrated with myself too, which I could really do without!


xxx
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

[kirgray]

Hi Annie

Im so sorry that you are having a crappy time at the mo...I truly understand Ive had about a million jobs and usually run away from fear of the workplace and all to do with it...people I dont know, insecurity, lack of confidence.

Ive walked out of jobs halfway thro the day and never gone back!. At the mo I am working in a 'small' call centre finding it hard at the mo but pushing on....I think you should maybe take things easy and maybe get part time work, maybe study at home?.

I probably havent been much help coz im naff at writing. But if you want to talk just pm me.

Love and best wishes

Kirsty :0)