Hi folks. Hope you're all doing well. You all watch the super bowl last night? I got bits and pieces of it.
See, my father wanted to go into town to watch it at the Chinese restaraunt bar (called the tiki lounge) because they have a big screen TV. He was going to leave around 3:30 and I was feeling anxious about being alone in the house. I was also feeling anxious about leaving the house, so I just decided to go with him ultimately.
We got to my sister's house around 4 or so and stayed for a bit. She has like 7 cats who seem to love me and kept jumping up on me. I was ok throughout that time, a little anxious, but not bad. Then we got up and went to see his friend around 4:30 or so. Not naming any names, but there were people smoking weed in his house so I couldn't really go in. Marijuana, I mean, even smelling it, tends to make me paranoid and anxious.
Anyway, we then went to the lounge to watch the super bowl, got there about 5 PM. We ordered some chicken wings (I had like four) and sat around talking and waiting for a couple friends and my sisters to show up. As the night went on the bar kept filling up with more people. At around 5:30 I was nervous about taking my lorazepam in front of so many, so I went into the bathroom to take half a miligram.
Then I came back out and my Father's friend showed up, followed by my sisters and another friend of my dad's. Well, I was determined to stick it out and watch the super bowl, even though as the place kept getting more crowded I was feeling more anxious. Eventually, at around like 7, I had to take a break and went out into the jeep and started it warming up. It was a damn cold night and it took the jeep like twenty minutes to really get warm.
I used EFT as I normally do when I'm feeling anxious. I must have tapped for like fifteen or twenty rounds. Then at 8 I went back in. Well, as I went back in the anxiety increased and I asked if someone could take me home, much as I hated to do that. I was thinking of how I had to take my zoloft at 10 and most likely we wouldn't be home by then. I wanted to go home to lay down and relax.
So one of my sisters took me home, then went back down to the party. That was when I had a panic attack. No fast heart beat this time, it felt kind of slow like it was weak or something. That freaked me out a bit. Then the thoughts came faster and faster and my legs started twitching and muscle spasming. So I tried tapping (EFT) again and did some deep breathing excercises. Still was going on. So I went to bed and tried to lay down and watch a movie to calm down.
Kept feeling anxious, eventually I sat up in bed and said "Ok, panic bring it on, throw everything you've got at me. I know panic attacks can't hurt me." It seemed to help challenging the panic attacks to do their worst. Really, it wasn't capable of giving me more fear because I was already at a high point.
So over the next hour I was able to relax and fall asleep around 11:30 or so. Then I woke up at 6:30 AM this morning with anxiety and shaking and all that good stuff. Man, some times it seems like a never-ending cycle. It's just so vicious. This thing, illness, whatever it is, has kept at me for two months where it's been chronic. I've had panic attacks before but they never really lasted this long nor did I feel this intesne anxiety. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me. Still waiting on the test results from the hospital chest X-ray and blood work and all that. Fretting about it a bit.
Sorry, I guess I've written a whole novel here folks. Just wanted to share my experience. Maybe some of you are feeling stuck in a viciuous cycle too, maybe you've had this stuff longer than I have. I guess we just gotta keep hope alive and have faith that things will get better. It's hard to do some times though.
Well, that's all, I think my long-winded rant has drawn to a close.
Good luck and God Bless you all,
David