Super Bowl Party and... panic attacks

[davidthegnome]

Hi folks. Hope you're all doing well. You all watch the super bowl last night? I got bits and pieces of it.

See, my father wanted to go into town to watch it at the Chinese restaraunt bar (called the tiki lounge) because they have a big screen TV. He was going to leave around 3:30 and I was feeling anxious about being alone in the house. I was also feeling anxious about leaving the house, so I just decided to go with him ultimately.

We got to my sister's house around 4 or so and stayed for a bit. She has like 7 cats who seem to love me and kept jumping up on me. I was ok throughout that time, a little anxious, but not bad. Then we got up and went to see his friend around 4:30 or so. Not naming any names, but there were people smoking weed in his house so I couldn't really go in. Marijuana, I mean, even smelling it, tends to make me paranoid and anxious.

Anyway, we then went to the lounge to watch the super bowl, got there about 5 PM. We ordered some chicken wings (I had like four) and sat around talking and waiting for a couple friends and my sisters to show up. As the night went on the bar kept filling up with more people. At around 5:30 I was nervous about taking my lorazepam in front of so many, so I went into the bathroom to take half a miligram.

Then I came back out and my Father's friend showed up, followed by my sisters and another friend of my dad's. Well, I was determined to stick it out and watch the super bowl, even though as the place kept getting more crowded I was feeling more anxious. Eventually, at around like 7, I had to take a break and went out into the jeep and started it warming up. It was a damn cold night and it took the jeep like twenty minutes to really get warm.

I used EFT as I normally do when I'm feeling anxious. I must have tapped for like fifteen or twenty rounds. Then at 8 I went back in. Well, as I went back in the anxiety increased and I asked if someone could take me home, much as I hated to do that. I was thinking of how I had to take my zoloft at 10 and most likely we wouldn't be home by then. I wanted to go home to lay down and relax.

So one of my sisters took me home, then went back down to the party. That was when I had a panic attack. No fast heart beat this time, it felt kind of slow like it was weak or something. That freaked me out a bit. Then the thoughts came faster and faster and my legs started twitching and muscle spasming. So I tried tapping (EFT) again and did some deep breathing excercises. Still was going on. So I went to bed and tried to lay down and watch a movie to calm down.

Kept feeling anxious, eventually I sat up in bed and said "Ok, panic bring it on, throw everything you've got at me. I know panic attacks can't hurt me." It seemed to help challenging the panic attacks to do their worst. Really, it wasn't capable of giving me more fear because I was already at a high point.

So over the next hour I was able to relax and fall asleep around 11:30 or so. Then I woke up at 6:30 AM this morning with anxiety and shaking and all that good stuff. Man, some times it seems like a never-ending cycle. It's just so vicious. This thing, illness, whatever it is, has kept at me for two months where it's been chronic. I've had panic attacks before but they never really lasted this long nor did I feel this intesne anxiety. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me. Still waiting on the test results from the hospital chest X-ray and blood work and all that. Fretting about it a bit.

Sorry, I guess I've written a whole novel here folks. Just wanted to share my experience. Maybe some of you are feeling stuck in a viciuous cycle too, maybe you've had this stuff longer than I have. I guess we just gotta keep hope alive and have faith that things will get better. It's hard to do some times though.


Well, that's all, I think my long-winded rant has drawn to a close.


Good luck and God Bless you all,

David

[Brandy snap]

Hi David,

I don't watch super bowl but I can relate entirely to everything you described about not wanting to go out with people to a social event yet not wanting to stay in by yourself either. I have been exactly in that place where you are now. I know exactly what you are feeling like. Mine started in 1978/9 following a fire in a hospital where I was in for a week with an infection. I was put on tranquillisers, kept on them for too long, and have spent the last almost 30 years with tranquilliser problems and anxiety/panic. I was 'normal' till 1978.

Since then I have kept a detailed record of every single symptom I have had and every single pill I have taken. They are in files, boxes, chests, ottomans and bags and I am running out of room. My reason for saying this is that I do not think your post is long! I have copies of letters I have written to everyone I was referred to, and each time the letter has another bit added on the end to make it up to date. The master is now over 100 pages long!

I have got 5 cats by the way, I wasn't sure whether your sister's cats make you anxious? Mine I find very comforting.

I don't like taking my pills in front of people either so I understand that.

Regarding having to go home from an evening out - I had a panic attack in the theatre when we took our children (then aged 4 and 7) to the Christmas pantomime at the local theatre. Everyone looked and we had to leave them there as it was their treat. Which meant my husband had to take me home, and go back to the theatre and leave me alone. I spent the whole time on the phone in a terrible state. My main problem is a suffocating feeling, like my throat is closing up. I am on Seroxat and have a counsellor but I still get very anxious sometimes.

I have had terrible probs trying to come off Seroxat on two occasions (once I persevered for 5 months). Had to go to a wedding on the third month and spent most of it crying. The withdrawal caused terrible shaking limbs and even shaking jaw bone. My hands went white. I had to have three heaters on and I still wasn't warm. Normally I'm a hot person. Waves of anxiety kept rushing right through me and I worried about the effect of stress chemicals on me. I had terrible palpitations and suffocating feelings and my miuscles felt on fire and burning. The pain of (presumably) tension in my jaw and face was unbearable. I came to a total standstill after 5 months and had to go back on it. Has anyone else experienced this?

Going back to the very beginning of all this, I was so scared of being alone that I used to hide my husband's car keys every night so he couldn't drive to work. That's how desperate I was. I'm amazed we're still together!

I am still here after 30 years of these feelings and I'm still trying to beat it and psyche myselfg up for another attempt at coming off. To make matters worse I get reminded at the doctors of the cost of the Seroxat (which I have to have in liquid form as I now have trouble swallowing pills as I think they'll go down the wrong way) each time I have a review.

So yes I am stuck too! I'm so glad I found this website. I'm always happy to read your 'long' posts and hope that it helps a little knowing I know what you're going through.

Love Brandy Snap xx

[davidthegnome]

Thank you for the response Brandy. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. The idea of having to deal with this as long as you have spooks me. I'm only 22, so I haven't even been alive that long. My Grandmother has had panic attacks off and on for thirty years or so. She took xanax three times a day for ten years but now takes only one a day. I think of her and how long she's dealt with this stuff and it frightens me. Gosh, I've got so many things I want to do.

I've got a little boy I haven't seen in much too long. I want to be able to be a good Father to him. I want to go to college and get an education, I was going to in January but this whole thing of mine hit me like a truck right before I was going to start. I've just got so many fears and phobias and I keep trying different things to help.

Ah, yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself and I shouldn't. Millions of people have this and many have it lots worse than I do. It's just, getting used to coping it with has been an issue for me.

Thanks for your post, God Bless you and keep you safe,

David

[Elle]

I had you down as being much older, David. You sound very mature for your years. It's obvious from reading your posts that you are very sensitive and intelligent. I'm sure that you do have a bright future ahead of you. It will all fall into place for you.

Don't ever give up trying and don't let fear get the better of you.

Elle

[Brandy snap]

I'm sure you'll see your little boy soon David. Is he nearby? I missed a big part of enjoying my two girls growing up even though we were in the same house. I couldn't even take them to school myself for a number of years and have always felt I've been an inadequate mother and wish they had nicer memories of their childhood.

One thing which helped me a lot was ringing the Samaritans. Do you have Samaritans in America?

It is now time to give my cats their pills so I've got to sign off but I look in nearly every day.

You take care.

Love Brandy Snap xx

[davidthegnome]

Thank you Elle. People have told me that before and I definitely at times feel way older than I am. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 13 and have had depression, general anxiety and social anxiety to some extent for years. The panic attacks though and the intense phobias that seem to go with them for me are really hard to handle. I keep wishing I could be like I was seven or eight months ago, when I was feeling ok and optimistic about stuff. Thank you for your compliments.

Thank you Brandy. My son is four years old and lives in South Dakota with his mother now. I haven't been able to see him for two years. I've felt really rotten about that. Unable to find work, have a hard time keeping work when I do. My parents have been a huge support for me. I wish I could be the same for my son.

The Samaritans? I've never heard of them. I'll check them out, not sure if they're in America or not.

Thank you both and God Bless you,

David