Family arguments very unsettling.

[Peterthegreatworrier]

Hi. I have medically diagnosed Aspergers, which my psychologist thinks my dad has as well, and a long history of Anxiety, including OCD and hypochondria. My sister also has some ASD traits, especially hypersensitivity to certain sounds (my guess is misophonia). Unfortunately, this does not result in closer bonding but instead precipitates frequent confrontation. My dad is a perfectionist, and he can't stand it if my mum does the dishes "wrong" or doesn't say things properly. This often results in disproportionate criticism and sometimes mutual yelling if mum decides to protest. Other times, the conflict may be caused by a certain activity or behaviour he does that he doesn't consider annoying, but that everyone else and especially my sister does. Unfortunately, she often doesn't restrain herself, and she says things like "shut up." This then makes the whole thing explode into an orgey of yelling, crying and door slamming.
In any of these cases, if I try to intervene, dad just says "it's none of your business" or (to me more offensive) "mind your own."

I know that my parents aren't going to seperate or anything like that. Everyone just gets caught up in the heat of the moment, made worse by my sister's attitude and dad's poor ability due to Aspergers to understand that he is in the wrong. It just causes me a lot of anxiety when it happens, or when it feels like it is going to happen. In conducive situations, I become extremely tense, and when it does happen, retreating to my room to try and get away from it doesn't block out the sound. I'd just like to know if anyone else on this forum has had similar issues and if anyone has a way to deal with it.
Regards, Peterthegreatworrier.

[hanshan]

Hi Peter,

I don't suffer from the same condition that you do, but my heart goes out, reading your description.

If you are in an Aspergers family, it's really difficult. People react to things, but don't think about the way other people are feeling. It's scary both ways.

I'm not an expert on Aspergers. Perhaps you should seek advice from one of the organizations devoted to this condition.

[Peterthegreatworrier]

Thanks Hanshan. It's not really the arguments themselves which I'm trying to deal with, but my anxiety over it, which is probably exsessive (I'm pretty sure arguments are quite common generally). I don't know what your situation is - if you have stress issues and have found ways to deal with them, could you suggest some for me?

[Emilym80]

Hi Peter,

I am in a similar situation- my dad has Asperger's, too. I don't myself but I do have GAD quite badly.

He has been quite emotionally abusive over the years and is, I believe, the ultimate cause of many of my problems in terms of my mental health. I'm not sure whether or not this is due to how the Asperger's affects his behaviour or if it's just his core personality and how he would be regardless- he was diagnosed very late, after I'd grown up, basically, so we didn't know that this was the case and I was blamed for our strained relationship, even though I believe him to be also at fault. When he is hypercritical, my mum just puts up with it as she is not very assertive, so instead of getting anxious, as you do, I get extremely angry at him. He also deliberately triggers my anxiety quite often and so the way I best cope with him is to literally avoid him whenever possible. We hardly ever talk other than saying hello and goodbye and I highly doubt we will ever become genuinely close.

The reason I'm sharing this with you is because I'd hate for you to have as strained a relationship with your dad as I do with mine (not that it'll definitely happen, of course). Could you see a way for you to explain to both of your parents how their fighting makes you feel and remind them of their respective difficulties? That way, perhaps your mum could learn to respond differently when your dad is hypercritical, or maybe your dad could learn to be less critical (I'm not sure how this works with Asperger's). Should it work, you could potentially help your parents get along better and live with a more peaceful home life. If this is not possible, could you go for a walk when your parents fight? Perhaps listen to some music in an effort to drown it out? It sounds like listening to it bothers you quite a bit and I don't personally know of any relaxation methods that I would find helpful under such circumstances. As such, try and think of a way you could remove yourself from the situation.

Let us know how you get on. All the best

[hanshan]

Hi Peter,

Like Emily above, I don't really know of any good stress reduction techniques when the rest of your family is yelling, shouting and slamming doors, except to get away from it somehow - take a walk or listen to music. Do you know someone you could call who understands, at least to say "The folks are arguing again."

I wouldn't try to intervene when people are fighting. It seems that your father, sister and mother have their argument roles worked out, and you only get in the way.

When things are quiet, you could try asking your father what kinds of sounds he dislikes, but be honest - only if you really want to know. Similarly, your mother and sister. Get them to talk and see you as a confidant, as much as possible, but don't take sides in arguments, as most of the arguments seem to be about other people's behaviour.

Again, good luck. In time, you will prevail, and be stronger.

[Peterthegreatworrier]

Thanks, guys. Sorry that I didn't notice your new replies untill today. I really apriciate your sugestions and reassurances.
I wish all of you well!