Hi,this is going to be quite long but I would be very appreciative to anyone who would take the time to try and help me. Over the past three weeks I have been getting very anxious over events from the past in my current relationship. My girlfriend that I've had for two years now slept with another guy about a month before we got together. We had been talking for a long time before that and although we weren't actually together at the time this was a big blow for me and really hurt me. Over the time we've been together this has bothered me to varying degrees for a large part of our relationship. Recently I had begun to have the longest period of time of about three months or so that I've had being pretty much free from being troubled by it but recently it has come back up in a big way. I should also mention that I haven't talked to her about my feelings to her sleeping with this guy for a long time now probably about a year.
I was at her house and I can't exactly remember but I started thinking about it and I remember being really down and not being able to get it out of my head, the thoughts resembled anxiety more than anger or resentment. The presiding thought that was causing me pain was 'what if' thoughts such as 'What if I can't forgive her' and 'What if I haven't forgiven her'. I came home from being at her house and had a bit of a breakdown. The thought of 'what if this always haunts me' was the thing that really flew me off, it made me extremely anxious and fearful, I felt trapped and I broke down crying. I managed to pick myself up but I still felt extremely anxious.
Up until that day I had been having the longest period of it really not bothering me much at all that Id had for a long time which is why I think the small reemergence of it while I was at her house snowballed into such a devastating episode.
The next few days I was feeling very anxious unable to concentrate on anything constantly anxious about the intense episode of fear and anxiety that I had had the the night I broke down, it isn't so much me obsessing over details of the events but is the constant fear of the possibility that I will never be able to not have the images in my head constantly, I get images of the two of them together and the other guys face in my head but if I sit and purposely bring up the images of her and the other guy together I can think about them with detail and clarity and they do very little in terms of making me sad or anxious which I have found very strange.I am unaware of the nature of what is causing me anxiety and this is what is really disturbing me.
Over the next two weeks I have been battling with this and I am finding it very confusing. I feel no want to hurt her and no feelings of anger or resentment towards her, I really do love her she is my entire world. And I am finding it hard to discern as to whether my anxiety is being caused by a lack of forgiveness for her or whether it is an anxiety disorder that has almost just latched onto this traumatic past event. I find that I go up and down thinking I have a found a way to get over it and feeling better for a while and then my fear of the anxiety causes me to relapse and go straight back into being very anxious, it is exhausting. I also find that sometimes the anxiety being towards this event subsides but that I still feel very anxious unaware of really why I am feeling anxious. This makes me sort of grasp for a reason as to why I am feeling this way and I usually cling to this event in my relationship again. My anxiety presents itself in different ways almost day to day. I have had days where I can't stop images in my head and would get thoughts such as 'She ****ed him' when I looked at her and other days where I get no images but just a sense that I am on constantly on guard for anxious thoughts or feeling which in itself is the anxiety.
I have been doing a lot of looking on the internet to find resources on overcoming cheating and also anxiety disorders but I tend to find the symptoms of each don't quite match up with how I feel. I am confused as to what is actually causing me so much distress. Whether it is underlying anxiety that was set off by my breakdown or whether is is actually in me not being able to accept that traumatic event. As my symptoms seem to be very much like an anxiety disorder, I constantly think about and are checking how I am feeling and the main feeling I get is fear not so much anger or resentment to my partner. Please can someone offer me some advice with this as it is making life very difficult and confusing. I absolutely cannot break up with my girlfriend as she literally means everything to me.
Many thanks for any help.
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