Harm OCD and Anxiety

[jadedreams]

Hey guys, I posted on here a couple months ago. Still riding the roller coaster of intrusive thoughts and anxiety unfortunately. All started with health anxiety back in April, then in May got intrusive thoughts (harm type) for first time ever. Major freak out when that happened and anxiety went through the roof.

Started seeing a counselor but was way too anxious and actually did inpatient for 8 days. Anxiety started coming down a bit, did an intensive outpatient class afterwards, it was good and I met some good people there - but it didn't really focus on intrusive thoughts. After it was over I started to see my counselor and have had a few sessions with him.

I was actually doing pretty good for a couple weeks, then wham on Friday my anxiety is back through the roof and I'm worried about all the intrusive thoughts again. Tbh they never went away when I felt better but I paid them less attention and go on with things. I have been back at work for a month which is great and am even staying on my own most of the time now which is an improvement. But the recently increased anxiety and intrusive thoughts are getting to me the past few days.

The intrusive thoughts are harm based (usually on myself but I've had a very few on other people or animals that didn't last long). Never have hurt myself or had a desire to, but I get these thoughts that pop in my head and they scare me to death. Have discussed this with my counselor and have been diagnosed with OCD (with obsessional thoughts) and high anxiety. Also some depression but it seems secondary to the other stuff. Did I mention I have a worry of med side effects too? More fun for the mix since I'm on a couple meds for this.

Just looking for some guidance from others who have been through this, I have family support and help if I ask for it. Most of my family doesn't understand though, though I have one family member that does and has been great. Just don't want to overburden her. I just wanted to get your thoughts of what helped you and words of encouragement maybe from others who have been through this type of thing. I just want my life back without all this near constant fear and worry!

Sorry for the novel..

[Greenman50]

Hi
Others know far more about this than me so i can,t help but have a

Have you ever read all the stickys on the site and sub sections / ,links etc loads of info to look at related to your issues .

Hang in there its a bumpy road but people do recover there is plenty on here that have .

---------- Post added at 20:41 ---------- Previous post was at 20:05 ----------


http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles







xx

[Zeldagirl]

I struggle with this as well. It is rough but it will pass once you realize the thoughts mean nothing. I can do this some days and other days are a real struggle. Hope you feel better soon

[jadedreams]

Thanks mel2, I'll do some reading on the site. zeldagirl any tips for when you're going through a rough patch? I know the intrusive thughts are the opposite of my real character, but sometimes my immediate response is fear and the anxiety cycle keeps going.

[Zeldagirl]

The only advice I have is to keep busy. I try to occupy my mind with things I need to get done. When a thought pops up I just think "oh shut up" and continue what I'm doing. This works better sometimes than others. I have found that after awhile you stop being so anxious in general and the thoughts produce less anxiety. I still have hard days but overall I'm feeling a lot better. Staying busy keeps you distracted. I'm not trying to preach either but reading the bible helps me too. There is a lot of things about anxiety and good verses that give me peace of mind. I know how aweful this can be but just remember it will get better. I didn't think it would, but it does.

[MyNameIsTerry]

There are some things to remember about intrusive thoughts and how we can keep them going:

- If we analyse them, we engage with them. This can be useful when done in CBT as it is to neutralise or come up with positives to take over the situation and reduce anxiety, but not reacting with a negative.
- The area of the brain that deals with survival instinct is looking for a negative reaction. It looks for negative emotional reaction, the stronger the better. If you give it this it sees it as confirmation and reinforces your anxiety about this issue.
- Pushing away thoughts also signals to your subconscious that it has done something "valid". Notice the use of "valid", not "correct".
- Things can change as your disorder becomes more embedded and this can scare you further so be aware in case it happens. For instance, you can have feelings of "liking" the image or a brief "maybe I should", things like that. I've seen this pattern a few times on here where someone starts off terrified and over a period of time they start to see maybe a reduction in anxiety and then this "liking" issues pops up and they are scared that they have changed. This happened to me. I did not change, no one else does either for the reasons you already stated - these are opposite to your true character. I've seen a good medical professionals website in the US (Steve Seay) who has a few articles about this and he even mentioned how he sees patients with harm based OCD who seem the kindest people and he makes a remark about there being something in that, that anxiety has looked for what would shock you the most based on your beliefs.
- Breaking the chain between obsessions & compulsions can leave some habits behind. So, you may have a few compulsions to work on later even if the anxiety is gone but this is much easier.
- Don't set a target like "100% free of intrusive thoughts" because it's not possible. Studies have shown how all people experience intrusive thoughts, they just don't realise it. You may notice them even when you get rid of the anxiety because you have trained yourself to through this but they will just float through in a coujple of seconds and you won't care. Trust me on that, thats what happened to me and others I've spoken to on here. You can do it.

I learned quite a bit about OCD from websites like Steve Seay's so I recommend having a read of them.

So, you need to do a few things:

- Cut down the negative reaction. Try to be neutral and see them as just thoughts. Mindfulness is excellent at teaching you how to do this and got rid of my harm based OCD. Try to look at these thoughts as an observer which Mindfulness teaches. Try to see them as no more important than a thought popping into your head to buy some milk when in the supermarket. It takes time, but it works. I found as mine was going that I would laugh or smile at how ludicrous my intrusive thoughts were and not long after than they disappeared.
- Cut down on underlying anxiety. I have GAD too (my primary anxiety disorder) and if that spikes, my OCD goes with it but it doesn't do the same the other way. So, reduce stress on yourself, use relaxation techniques, etc because the more stressed you are, the more it seems to effect things like this.

[jadedreams]

Thanks Zelda, I too have noticed that when I am busier that I have less thoughts. It is when I have more quiet time that I tend to ruminate and worry over these thoughts. And I know that doesn't help, from what you've experienced is it normal to have ups and downs with this? I just felt like I was doing well for a couple weeks and then the past few days have been worse. Although I bit better last night.

Terry, thank you for all of your input, I really appreciate it. I have been dealing with this a few months now and at times it seems it will never end. I just want my normal life back. I know the thoughts have made me not trust myself and I have had a few of the "maybe I should" type thoughts which have also scared me. It helps to know that others have gone through that too. My primary issue is GAD as well and I have dealt with it on/off for about 10 years now, this spring it got worse than it's ever been and then came the new intrusive thoughts. I see a definite pattern that when my anxiety is up the thoughts get worse and then more thoughts increase the anxiety. Any tips for cutting down my general anxiety? I find I get it a lot more easily than I ever did before, in fact most mornings I wake up and wham I get anxious that I'm going to have anxiety and /or intrusive thoughts. So that sets the pattern for the day. I'd love to start the day off on a better footing. Thanks again.

[Zeldagirl]

Yes in my experience it flares up during certain times. My hormones play a big role so as a lady I get worse at certain times of the month. I have thyroid issues as well which I beleive may play a part. Illness seems to sometimes affect it as well. My last major flare up (the worst ever) came after a sore throat with white spots. I thought it was strep but no one would test my blood until 5 months later. I did test positive for a past mono infection which I think may have been what it was. I'm also vitamin d deficient and that can mess you up as well. A lot of things can contribute in my opinion. I just tell myself during the bad times that it will get better and it does eventually. It's so hard sometimes though.

---------- Post added at 20:02 ---------- Previous post was at 19:56 ----------

I'm also petrified of meds too btw. I won't even take vitamin d because i swear it contributes to my anxiety. Everyone thinks that's crazy. So I try to get it from the sun because my body makes it naturally that way. I have brought it up a bit but I'm still deficient.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I know what you mean by that. My therapist once said it was like within the first hour of the day I had decided it would just be bad. She was right. I would spend a lot of time wishing it away so I could do to bed and I think a lot of this was the perfectionist saying maybe tomorrow will be better and you can enjoy things. It's a false economy though because the trick is in getting going and finding your day improves and ackowledging that. I used to read that on self help websites and think "rubbish, can't do that" but I can now. I know I'm better later on so I try to weather those harder mornings without judgement knowing it will get easier. I think this comes with time though.

I got very little progress tackling my OCD in CBT. I switched to tackling my GAD and I got somewhere. My OCD decreased with it and many of my compulsions went or at least became easier to work on. So, maybe just trying to practice relaxation techniques, Mindfulness, get exercise to burn off adrenaline (especially earlier in the day) and eat well should help. Do what you can just to keep bringing those stress levels down. Try to engage in activities as opposed to just distraction. Distractions are fine but they play more of a role in panic than in GAD I reckon as it's just too much all the time to distract yourself so you need longer healthy activities instead e.g. drawing, reading, knitting, anything like a hobby, etc. Distractions in OCD are not always a good thing anyway as you can make a compulsion out of them so you have to keep an eye on that.

Acceptance is important too but it's a hard one to get. I found I couldn't do this but Mindfulness worked better for me and it includes acceptance as one of it's 8 elements anyway. But it will be important to work towards that mindset of accepting you have woken up feeling bad but you want to get on with your day. To be honest, getting rehydrated and eating something tends to help a bit there anyway.

---------- Post added at 08:19 ---------- Previous post was at 06:33 ----------

I'm also petrified of meds too btw. I won't even take vitamin d because i swear it contributes to my anxiety. Everyone thinks that's crazy. So I try to get it from the sun because my body makes it naturally that way. I have brought it up a bit but I'm still deficient.

I don't think thats crazy, I've been through it too.

I wouldn't take paracetamol, vitamin C or anything. Strangely I would take my meds whilst knowing how bad the side effects could be and I just got on with it. But because of a big panic I had, one of my first, when working out after taking a load of my usual sports supplements plus a new much stronger one, I stopped taking anything. I even wouldn't take my asthma medication! It took a mild asthma attack to make me do that again.

What I did was start with the simple stuff, nothing stimulating. So, I started with paracetamol, then vitamin C which is really harmless, and went from there. I found that you do gain more confidence as you do this but not at first earlier on in the process where it is scarier.

[jadedreams]

Zelda, I think I've started to see the pattern you mentioned with hormones and being a lady too. It definitely seems worse during those times, I've noticed it twice now. My main thing is trying not to get discouraged during the rougher times, I'd much rather see a steady climb upwards with this - instead of all the ups and downs. I guess that is the nature of the anxiety/ocd beast though. I'm trying to remember that it will improve as well, I did have bloodwork done and everything was ok with me numbers wise. Hope your vitamin D gets better.

Yes, the fear of meds can be awful huh? I have to take them for high blood pressure and such, those meds that I have had for years don't really bother me. The psych meds and other new ones though can throw me for a loop, I read all the warnings and google stuff (I know I shouldn't) and then get really worked up about possible side effects. Then I start asking myself is the med making me worse, etc. And there goes the downward spiral of anxiety. And thanks again for reading and responding, it really helps to share with those who have been through this.

__________________

Terry, what you said about deciding in the first hour about having a bad day sounds like something I could say word for word. As well as wishing the day away so I could go to bed. My counselor says I'm expecting anxiety in the mornings and of course there it is. I've got work more on "weathering" the hard mornings as you say knowing my day can improve.

Most of my CBT work has been on the GAD side of things, I too think decreasing it will decrease the obsessive thinking & other OCD behaviors. It seems to come first most of the time, the higher the anxiety the worse the OCD is. I will work on trying to relax as that is one of my main issues, I feel so keyed up all the time with the GAD. Like I'm just waiting on the next bad thing to happen, which is not a good place to be. Thank you for all of the suggestions for activities and such, I will definitely work on some of those. I enjoy reading and various artwork, hobbies I let fall away I'm afraid.

And yes, acceptance - my counselor has mentioned that many times over the past few weeks. Definitely easier said than done, I'm trying to work on it and on being mindful as well. Could you explain a bit more on the 8 elements of mindfulness you mentioned? I know a little of it, but not much at this point. Thank you again for your responses, they mean a lot and it is so good to share with someone who has experiences with this.