Crazy amounts of guilt over something trivial - please help ! :(

[zeros]

Hey Friends,

Things have been rather okay for the past few months but the past week has been hell and I'm still stuck not knowing what to do with myself.
Let me explain briefly....
I have pure-o OCD and I've delt with many themes overtime. Just to mention a few: HOCD, Schizo OCD, Hypochondria, Solphisim etc.
Never had any physical compulsions.

Now there has been a theme that has been bothering me for years and it is connected to feeling inappropriate/misplaced guilt over very trivial things that get blown out of proportion and cause me incredible amounts of pain!!

Here's a small list of things that I've felt extremely guilty (for weeks) about in the past:

• Downloading a song illegally
• Owning items made out of leather (wallets etc.) because it involves killing animals
• Saying something negative about someone in their absence
• Killing an insect
• asking for money from a client (deserved)
• cheating on an exam during college

The list is by no means exhaustive and goes on and on and somehow these things make me guilty as if i killed someone and I panic at the thought that I can't reverse what I've done and consequently I'm terrified about having to live with what I've done for the rest of my life. It's agony and after a while most of these did fade away.

Recently I started my own business and now I am faced with a wave of guilt mainly revolving around my work. I quoted a client slightly higher than what I would usually charge for a service and I started feeling like the most immoral person in the world; a thief and I am torturing myself about this trying to find ways to justify it to myself but the thoughts keep spinning and spinning; telling me what an awful person I am and that I should call the client and reduce my quote somehow after we signed contracts and everything is going great. People tell me to charge what the market bears and to be happy that I was able to close such a client but my mind thinks otherwise. Also I am overly obsessive about the work that I am doing, I slap myself for overlooking small details and tell myself that I'm wronging the client and ripping him off if I deliver anything less than astronomically perfect in every way. It really gets in my way of running a profitable operation and looking after myself and my family consequently making me feel like a looser who can't get by in this world where everyone is using their elbows to make a living (especially being self-employed)
I am also using several tools for my consulting work that help me get a job done much quicker and I feel really guilty for making fixed price arrangement and as a result earning more than I would if I charged hourly although what I am doing is industry practice...

I used to love my work and enjoyed it a great deal but since these thoughts are creeping in i feel like an utter fraud and it's an awful feeling to be living with day after day.... :(

I am scraping by (financially) and getting this contract is essential to my survival but somehow my mind is telling me that I don't deserve to get paid for my service and that I am incapable, incompetent and that I don't get to earn anything for my work. It seems like the more important something is to my survival the more my OCD latches onto it trying to destroy it.

I am afraid that because of my morality/ethics focused OCD I won't be able to run my own business because it will start torturing me as soon as I am doing something that allows me to prosper in any way. The funny thing is that I am not an immoral person to begin with but my true self doesn't mind bending a few rules here and there (just as other people do) to get by. Somehow I am afraid of my own shadow lately and I'm looking out not to harm a fly out there just so I don't have to deal with the aftermath of this extensive and extremely destructive guilt.

I used to let things just pass by without making a huge deal out of everything that might be in the grey area (morally) to mention a few examples: pay bills late or not getting a parking ticket; a little gossip.. now every small thing I do gets over-analyzed and I surely I will find something to make me feel miserable. It's almost like I can't have anything good in my life without my ocd destroying it completely... this is not a life worth living ... :(

I'd love to hear if you have similar problems with work related guilt or guilt in general and what can be done about it. I am thinking about how to justify my behavior and frying my brain about it for hours and hours each and every day and I don't seem to be able to break this vicious cycle. I am not saying that I want to hear from you how I can become a crook and feel good about myself.. I just want to be able to live normally. How can you get thicker skin and not let everything affect you in such a way ?

Thanks for your Input

Jake

[CeeCeeCee]

Hi Zeros, If everyone paid just a penny to some charity for doing any of the things you mention feeling guilty about, we'd all be totally bankrupt, they really are all very normal and pretty much ever day occurrences. Earning your living in an honest way, as you are, by making it as efficient and easy for yourself as possible is a no brainer, that's the whole idea of business, making money and doing it efficiently whichever way you legally can?
Don't beat yourself up about any of them, you're just human after all :-)

[lior]

I know exactly how you feel. I do this too. I feel that it leads me into making fair business choices - fair on the client, but not always as fair on me!

There are many business people who will charge the most they can get away with, depending on what they reckon the client will pay. This is normal. I don't personally do that but I think it would be a good idea if I did!

I just got quoted a fee for something double the cost I would normally charge, for work from someone much less experienced than me, on a job that involves my skill set - I just didn't have the time to do it. I realised that if that's the going price, I should be charging a lot more than I am!

I have experienced that feeling where you feel guilty about everything. For me it happens when I feel low about other things. Ultimately the way to get out of it is to balance your life so that you have enough downtime, enough fulfilling work, enough exercise, good food, good socialising, etc.

You're embarking on a very exciting career move - I've also set up my own business. It's a brilliant opportunity to create the lifestyle you want to create. It's also a challenge to face your OCD in this new circumstance. Many people who set up businesses are emotionally challenged by the experience - you are not alone.

I'm also a consultant and I doubt myself when things don't go perfectly. I don't quite have the answer but I think there's only a certain amount which is really in your power. All you can do is your best. Keep trying to learn and adjust and react to your client's preferences, but don't lose your integrity. There's difficult balances to strike, especially when you're going into a new career phase.

How can you get a thicker skin? My therapist says that we are not our jobs. If our job is going badly, it's not about us, it's about our job. Our job is not the only part of ourselves. We cannot assess our worth as human beings from how our job goes.

How can you not let everything affect you? Get away from your job as much as you can. Recognise other important things in the world. Maintain perspective. Have lots of pleasurable experiences - they will counteract difficult things that have been going on.

I worked with someone who was starting out her own business. She clearly suffered from anxiety - she answered every single message immediately. She didn't own her own time - her phone owned her. It affected her marriage, her relationships with her children, the quality of her business. She did not make time to be strategic.

What are your values? How can you create a life for yourself where you live by your values? Those are more important questions than who's calling you right now. The money will come. You will do a better job, and feel more confident in yourself and have more self respect, if you know your values and act with them.

[zeros]

Thanks for your great answers.
Especially lior, what you are saying makes a lot of sense but somehow my brain is on overdrive... I can only think about it over and over again and there is no escaping. Seems like If i've solved one problem in my head another one is just around the corner (revolving around the same topic)

I really want to move on and live my life again but I suppose that this is part of ocd and for better or worse we have no choice but to endure it; hoping it will not screw up our life.