Sexual phobia

[emf]

Hello. I am 33 and am experiencing a sexual phobia. I have had this now for many years and was able to get help and actually overcame in about 3 years ago. I Now have a new partner and we have not had sex. When it comes to penetration I panic and my legs clamp and my chest feels tight and I just panic which then ruins the mood and nothing happens. In the past I was married and left my husband after one year as I was afraid of sex and knew it was never going to happen. I am 33 now and am really panicking that I will never have a child because of this phobia and it is causing me real stress. I was wondering if anyone has any practical help they can give me. I do not enjoy touching myself and find no pleasure in it . I just don't know how to overcome this .

[MissyMischief]

Could you possibly be asexual--someone that has no sexual feelings or desires? Some people just have zero interest in sex whatsoever. They still want love and companionship, but just not the sex part.

Or does this stem from some trauma in your past?

[Torimori]

Hi emf,

It's sounds as though you're really struggling with this and I really do feel for you. I can understand the amount of pressure you may be feeling from yourself.

I've been married for 8 years and still find it difficult sometimes as I don't have a massive interest in sex. My dhusband is very understanding but sometimes I feel as I have to just because I feel so bad about it.

[emf]

Thank you for your replies. To be honest my partner isn't putting any pressure on really. All the pressure comes from myself as I am so worried about it and don't want to be childless in 10 years and then have left it too late. I have tried hypnotherapy and also EMDR therapy which helped me but now I have a new partner all the old fears have resurfaced. I have had no trauma from my past. I do have sexual feelings and I do enjoy foreplay just penetration really bothers me and it's so irrational. Thank you for helping me

[Torimori]

I know what you mean about the child "thing". Although I have a little boy, we were trying for another for quite a long time and then I had two miscarriages in quick succession. I'm now 31 and put off going on my meds in case I got pregnant.

My friend has just had a baby at 41 and all is well so I'm feeling under a little less pressure time wise now. Even if you were comfortable with sex, the worrying will not help.

I know it's not a nice subject to discuss with anyone but could you discuss with your GP? They may be able to offer you advice and possibly therapy to relax.

[emf]

Thanks for replying. I haven't really spoken to my Gp about it and I have never taken medication for anxiety. Although I am reluctant to do this I wonder would it help me? In every other aspect of life I am confident and happy this is just such a huge issue for me and ofcourse affects my relationships as well as its constantly on my mind. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles as well

[Torimori]

I'd certainly recommend having a chat with your GP. There are sexual health services available in most areas which includes support for people who experience problems with sex.

Please don't minimise it - you need to be open and honest with your GP. Meds might not be right for you and I would suggest you o for the talking therapies initially but they should also be able to rule out anything physical (which I doubt it will be).

Let me know how you get on x

[MissyMischief]

Hey again. I like the sexual support group idea.

Also, I can relate to the anxiety/pressure involved with having kids. I'm 29 and although I have suffered from anxiety on and off my whole life, it always rears its ugly head when I'm going through some sort of life transition/stress. I think the pressure of almost being 30 and not enjoying my job, not owning a house, not being married, knowing that now's the time to think about having kids....etc etc...has just made my anxiety skyrocket. I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but it's so hard to stop.

What I'm saying, is I wouldn't be surprised one bit if all this pressure you are putting on yourself about having kids (consciously and subconsciously) is making this phobia worse and keeping it alive. Maybe along with a support group, just talking to a counselor about this and also being really open with your partner would help a lot.

Just a thought and I hope this isn't out of line: Have you considered maybe using a sex toy on your own to desensitize yourself before you are with your partner?

Take care!

[emf]

Thank you for your replies. It is good to know other people feel the same. I agree with you about me feeding the phobia and keeping it Alive. I know sex is supposed to be enjoyable and I really wish it was for me but it's such a big deal in my head . I have tried using a toy on myself and find it hard even to touch that area myself . I would find it hard to know what to even say to a Gp as I can't pinpoint a reason for how I feel and just think it's totally irrational.

[MissyMischief]

Hey again. Yeah, I'm on the fence with medication, as I am having mixed feelings about the sertraline I've been on for going on three months now. I think counseling is probably best to try first. And keeping a very honest, open dialogue with your partner is really important too.

Also, I am wondering if you are pressuring yourself that you should love penetration. I think movies/porn etc....make us women feel awful if we don't totally get off on penetration as much as our male partners do. But thanks to anatomy, of course, most women just don't. I enjoy it because it brings me closer to my partner, but physically, it's not my favorite stimulant, if you know what I mean. I used to feel bad because I didn't love it...thought there was something wrong with me...but after reading and experimenting, I've come to peace with it. After you get over your real fear of it, you may feel the same way...or you may love it...who knows.

Rambling now...take care!