Sexual phobia

[emf]

Thanks genoire. Your words make sense. I can't imagine it will ever be a huge joy but would like to be able to do it for my partner if nothing else. As before all the pressure is coming from my head which is probably making things worse. I would really rather not take medication as I've been able to overcome my fear before and hope I will again . Thanks so much

---------- Post added at 23:13 ---------- Previous post was at 20:29 ----------

Thank you for your replies . I appreciate them. Yeah the pressure I put on my pressure is huge and probably not helping the situation. Maybe I will never enjoy it and maybe I will but even if I could force myself to do it for the sake of my partner then I'd be happier but I can't. :/

[white1989]

Hi there,

I experienced something similar a number of years ago in my early twenties due to a traumatic experience and it led to a complete fear. I discussed it with my doctor and was advised therapy. finding a kind and gentle female therapist who you feel comfortable with will make it a lot easier to discuss your concerns. best of luck and hope things start to improve soon x

[emf]

Thanks for your reply. I'm still feeling really anxious to be honest. I just don't know what I would even say to a therapist as I've had no trauma. It's just so irrational.

[jmd2005]

Being married to a woman who doesn't always enjoy sex and would be fine without it, I can say that your partner is being patient. It is called love.

You say there is no trauma in your past. I assume you have exhaustively looked at it. It may be something that isn't as obvious, but it is still a possibility. My wife was sexually abused and it has impacted her. Some who have had as much abuse as she has had, shut it out of the mind and no longer remember it. Others may have been abused in a way that seems trivial to them, and yet that is enough to make sex "dirty" or painful or frightening. Still others develop an avoidance of sex due to upbringing.

My wife enjoys penetration, but she doesn't get off on it much. She has but she can get off more from oral. But sex lost much of its attractiveness I think as a result of childhood abuse. She has had extensive counseling and this helped tremendously. We do have children.

I agree with Genoire. There is some fear that is started from somewhere. It may be that you can remember something but it doesn't seem like enough of a reason to cause your fear. It could be that you shut some incident out of your mind. Or it simply could be that as a child you developed a fear based on something you heard.

Getting to the bottom may be the answer to your fear. Since it bothers you this much, it would make your life happier.

[MissyMischief]

Being married to a woman who doesn't always enjoy sex and would be fine without it, I can say that your partner is being patient. It is called love.

You say there is no trauma in your past. I assume you have exhaustively looked at it. It may be something that isn't as obvious, but it is still a possibility. My wife was sexually abused and it has impacted her. Some who have had as much abuse as she has had, shut it out of the mind and no longer remember it. Others may have been abused in a way that seems trivial to them, and yet that is enough to make sex "dirty" or painful or frightening. Still others develop an avoidance of sex due to upbringing.

My wife enjoys penetration, but she doesn't get off on it much. She has but she can get off more from oral. But sex lost much of its attractiveness I think as a result of childhood abuse. She has had extensive counseling and this helped tremendously. We do have children.

I agree with Genoire. There is some fear that is started from somewhere. It may be that you can remember something but it doesn't seem like enough of a reason to cause your fear. It could be that you shut some incident out of your mind. Or it simply could be that as a child you developed a fear based on something you heard.

Getting to the bottom may be the answer to your fear. Since it bothers you this much, it would make your life happier.

You sound like a very loving partner, jmd2005. Not everyone is like that, unfortunately. Sex is such a complicated (understatement) subject in relationships.

emf--I hope you're doing well.

[jmd2005]

You sound like a very loving partner, jmd2005. Not everyone is like that, unfortunately. Sex is such a complicated (understatement) subject in relationships.

emf--I hope you're doing well.

Thank you.

I know it is very complicated, and simply saying that every case of disinterest is based on past sexual abuse would be wrong for me or anyone to say. And in this case, I am not saying that abuse is the root of this phobia. What I think based on what I read is that something in the past may indeed be at the root of this one. I say that only because it started before marriage or relationships.

After 20+ years of marriage and with much of that involving sexual problems, I have learned alot from experience and from research. While I know I don't have near all of the answers, I feel that if I may share some of what I learned and it may help someone else, then perhaps our struggles may have some benefit.

Life is never simple, and relationships seem to bring out our deepest fears and emotions.

[ray.olsen]

Hey

I was browsing through when I encountered this thread. First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your condition. What was the diagnosis? Do you have any sexual disorder or is it just fear? You mentioned you were able to overcome this before, what things did you do during those times?

You should go back to therapy. CBT would be very beneficial. About two years ago I had the similar situation. I was afraid of having a child and that fear transformed into the fear of having sex. I felt no discomfort physically but psychologically I was really scared. CBT and exposure therapy really helped me overcome my fear.

[emf]

Thanks for posts on this. Since writing this post I have made some progress but very baby steps. I have been diagnosed with vulvodynia and vaginismus. Google them for more info. I went to my gp in Jan 2016 and am still waiting for an appointment so I had to pay privately to see a gynaecologist sooner. Me and my partner have recently split up as the pressures of this condition were just too great for us both. It is mentally draining me so much . I just would love to be normal.