During the past few months my life has taken a big step backwards when it comes to anxiety. It feels like it's gathering momentum to something really unpleasant.
I moved house last week, to a beautiful new house which is perfect in every way. But since we moved in last Tuesday I've felt really lost.
I feel like I've slipped into some kind of depression, a low mood which seems to be really draining every inch of my being. I've never really classed myself as being depressed before, but I feel that my anxiety taking this backward step has landed me in a lower mood than I've ever felt.
Today I was having a normal anxiety filled day, when all of a sudden my mind began racing beyond anxiety. I knew where I was going to end up and within 10/15 minutes of these racing thoughts, I was right in the middle of a panic attack.
The feeling of dread that comes in bursts during my panic attack is so overwhelming. The questions then start... what if I die now? What if u have to go to hospital? What if, this time it's something serious? Every question fueling the panic even more.
Physically I felt my arms going weaker, I wouldn't say they went numb, but they kind of felt like I wasn't in control of them. My legs turned to jelly, I was able to walk and pace around but it didn't feel like my legs were going to hold out. My heart was racing, I could feel my neck pulsating where the veins were pumping. I started to sweat but felt a cold chill at the same time. My head was feeling like I'd just stood up to quickly over and over. Not a spinning dizziness but a unstable light headed feeling.
I stood in the bathroom and spashed cold water on my face and drank big mouthfuls, swishing some around and spitting it out. Trying to cool my overheating body while my hands were freezing. I'd walk out of the bathroom and stand in my room for moment, wondering if the worst had passed. As soon as the dreaded thoughts came again... BANG. Here we go again. Back in to the bathroom and repeat my water ritual.
I've felt these panic attacks for over 10 years now. The last one as bad as today's was probably about 2 years ago. I had gotten myself to such a great place in my life where I was able to function at probably 70% normality.
It's so frustrating to be back in this situation. I think my low mood is a result of my anxiety rearing it's ugly head.
I don't really know what I'm asking for in regards to comments from you guys. I just feel like I'm so alone at the moment. My wife's tries so hard to understand, but it's impossible to explain.
I'm after some nice words of encouragement I guess, and some reassurance to know that these feelings I'm having are just panic attacks. It's been so long that I forget how they feel. Which means every time I have one, it scares the hell out of me and sends me back to square one.
Sorry for going on, just needed to get this off my chest while it's fresh.
Billy