Hi to everyone. This will be long but little about me.
I'm 27 year old male that's been most of his life living under stress in the family. Alcohol fights, nothing remotely decent to come my way.

You until early this year I would never thing of OCD, because I never search for it. But I also was experiencing my life a little bit differently than most of my friends.

Let me explain:
Up till age 26 I never fantasize my friends or the people I grow attracted to in any sexual behavior, so one could say I could never achieve an erection by simple looking into an attractive woman going past me. Nothing could made my member move. I also think I experience romantic attraction in life and not sexual ones. For a long time I took myself as Asexual or hetero-demiromantic because of my low sex drive, but what If I was only fooling myself, living under constant stress I could just be homosexual, I'm 27 years, why Am I still a virgin. I honestly never bother much with that one, I know I had a year when I just wanted to lose it but that was because of the pressure the society gave me. And I could never lose to a woman i didnt know nothing off. I don't see myself having sex with a person that I don't know anything about. Reason why one night stands I just couldn't get. I never was in a relationship, until recent.

You see I meet this girl online. My very first girlfriend.
At first I didn't feel things towards her, as she did, lets say she was the first person to come up to me and say it. Back then I would ask myself, why me? I had low self-esteem.

She was kind, gentle, open to me and I on the other hand was off. In that era I was hurt by another girl I liked, lets just say that I was being played by her for a month and she was actually with another woman (yeah a lesbian). I felt hurt and back then I would felt great stress. I wanted somebody to love me, somebody I could hold to and protect, to make the person happy, something mutual. I was off but I got back to my senses.

After time with a girl I told you about, we talk over Skype mostly text at the start, we would share everything to each other. I loved opening myself to her as time always fly by so fast when I was with her. All stress I would have would be gone with her presence around, but we haven't seen each other, and it would be like that for a while. I could see her on Facebook but that was that (only pictures), she on the other hand could see me over the video. So lets say that thing were more one sided on the level of physical recognition.

After time we got to see each other over Skype and I was blown away, I can't say what it was but her pictures, its like I wasn't seeing the same person, I would look back and ask (this can't be her), maybe she is not that photogenic or something but she is so beautiful when I saw her on Skype, that was the first thing I even say to her, I couldn't hold back. That day I felt incredible relief to know I meet a girl like her that cares for me, a girl beautiful on the inside as much as on the outside. Its like I see her whole when I look at her, she just stands out from the crowd, maybe its because of all the life stories we shared, I got to know her fully on what kinda person she is. There is nothing I can't talk to her about. I even told to her about my HOCD.

It was after a year of Skype conversation that we decided to meet in person. She is from another country so we are currently in long distance relationship. First time before I saw her I had thousands of doubts. Questioning: Will she like me? Will i like her? Will all go well.

She would wait at the Air Port, run up to me and kiss me.
I would feel like confused but thats because of the crowd, sudden moves, but then things would happen inside me that would never happen before, we would run to the nearest bus stop and I would start feeling a movement just by holding her lovely small hands (erection). She is 3 years younger than me. I couldn't get what was happening. I was up till now thinking my body is dead, but on that moment I had tears in my eyes just being with her, how beautiful she is in real, just being happy to see the person infront of me, to feel richer than life to have her by my side.

You see we would spend 1 week with each other but it felt like I knew her all my life, I could be so open, completely stress free, no HOCD, not even for a second did I doubt myself, my mind was free when I walk with her to the park, I would experience my member again but my mind was never craving sex with her, or having any sexual fantasy on that time. I was outside and fully focused so OCD couldn't effect me. I felt different and seeing her smile made me experience great joy. In a way I felt secure, confident, self-capable, something I never did at home. I think what I had with her was real, I would notice things people would took as flaws, or at least today's media would say physical flaws, I would notice things but I wouldn't mind them because its all part of her and she means everything to me. But I also notice few things, romance is the thing I loved most and miss ever since I left, holding hands, in bed cuddling, kissing, talking to each other, connecting on emotional level, but sex is not something I was overly crazy after.

When I came hope I ask myself what If didn't felt sexual attraction, but we only saw each other for a week, I would feel like trash if we did it first time, and I know she would feel that way too. We would shower together and I did pleasure her, as well as she did, but we just never did the final sex act. We decided next time would be better as her parents are also a thing and we gave mutual understating on that. I meet them day one also, but they came to like me and I was happy they accepted me.

But back at home my old doubt strike me back.
So what is my problem

My old Pure-O
Till now I couldn't tell what I had but I had few what I consider pure-O in the past.

Constant listening to my heart beat. I would obsess listening to my heart beat to a point of hearing it beat faster and I would fear it would stop and gave me a heart attack while I'm physically healthy. This would gave me trouble sleeping and it was happening at night in bed for about 14 days.

Next one was obsessive inner-thinking am I walking right.
Every-time I would be in the city I would think on the inside, Am I walking straight and right? I would fear people taking me for a fool that can't walk.
This would be with me for a year and it would only happen in the city.

This would all be duo to low self-esteem issue I would imagine.
But the next one hit me hard and its been with me for month, the only time I didn't feel it that strong was rare days and I was truly happy and stress free, this was HOCD or maybe its sexual Pure-O

because it started with pointy material and bestiality.
I couldn't even be near my cats while my mind would think of something sexual with them, this would be killing me on the inside, I would see a pointy object and my mind would think of performing anal on it. I don't even like anal. My mind was going crazy, this was before I meet my Girlfriend in person also, its actually started happening after I got mistreated by that girl I told you about. I guess it shocked me enough and in a stressful life I was it never stopped. At my evening school I would be with two of my friend and I would imagine homosexual fantasy of them two performing on each other, my mind would ask me, If I'm going mad? My emotions took over that and it never stopped. Giving me asking, am I gay? Why else am I 27 old and still a virgin. My parents are homophobic, could this be repression. I even go as far as to wanted to test by telling my mother just to see If I was to feel better but I didn't feel any happier. I didn't feel like something my heart agrees But I never fantasize man in a sexual manner either. And the only fantasy that seem to work for me while I was taking bed, was me and my girlfriend the both of us together, nothing else could make me aroused (erect) absolutely nothing. But this thoughts were disturbing and I wanted them gone, they were everywhere and I just couldn't understand what was happening.

I would start to:
- analyze people man and women.
Till age 27 I never notice men much but now its like women lost attraction or maybe I was delusional all my life. All my sleeping sex dreams were with a woman, never with a man but thats wouldn't say much, all I know is that I did enjoy those. I would watch straight porn, or solo women or camera before, but not much lesbian and I never even watched Gay porn but i was thinking maybe I was running away from it, so I watched it and no it didn't work for me. I didn't find it exciting like hetero porn. But Porn was just an escape for me to masturbate to because I would never fantasize while masturbating, it would be hard. I always used images of women or porn to keep it simple.

- I would get ROCD recently because how could a person that could be gay love a women. But when I was with her, in her reach of sight and touch I had non of this.

- One thing is denial but another is thinking of your own mother behind you using a strap-on, on you. It was a nightmare, it would even swap to my sister. It felt like hell on earth and I had nobody to tell outside my girlfriend. Yes i told her everything. This is how our communication is, we trust each other and its deep and this is whats making me so hard to accept, if this was not HOCD, but I wouldn't enjoy wanting to have romantic moments with a man, I don't see myself that way, I can't see myself connecting to a man emotionally as I can to my girlfriend, I just don't see it. ROCD would made me feel all was platonic, or like I was faking it, but in my heart I know that wasn't true.

I feel this house I live in is a huge influence on my stress. I have to move out as constant fight are making me stressed out on top of the war struggle I have in my head.

I could accept myself being bisexual its the homosexual that I have hard time accepting as I fear loosing what I have with my girlfriend and if all doesn't work out I ultimately fear forever loosing the touch of a woman's hand.

I took a test from the OCD center of Lost Angeles
and I got 17 out of 29
reading the test I couldn't believe the things that happen to me on those months were all written down like, exactly as I was experienced them.

Getting homosexual thoughts in the city would bother me as it would go against my belief of my core being, but I would only get this when I would feel this great stress over me.

This would also be the first time I would start to feel this weird buzz in my testicles, I would think its groin responds but I can't say. I haven't gotten an erection thinking of anything homosexual or to another man, But i did get this strange buzz, and I think its also because I over think.

I would also get this strange stronger feeling my anal part, people say its like arousal but its filled with anxiety because we obsess on that one part of our body.

I would also feel this great guild. Thinking what If I was deluding myself, why would anybody want me.
I even felt like I was evil in some way, a bad person, better to stay by himself for the rest of his life. I mean I have something many people fail to find, a girl I care for deeply and now I fear I will lose that to something that may be or may not be true about me. I fear my life and I fear myself the most.

Evening time calms me down I've noticed, but I also noticed that in the morning the first thing that poops into my head is, do I love my girlfriend, do I find her attractive, even after fantasizing about us last night. I would over analyze our pictures we took together. One time I would felt relief because I do find her beautiful and the other time Its like I'm fooling myself, but how, I saw her in real and no pictures can make up for how beautiful she is in real, its not like I have to like all picture we take together. But in real life I can see her smile, her shine, no picture can give me, yet all little thing I would notice my mind would think you don't love her, you are homosexual, accept that... It would bring great worry to my heart, because my heart knows that I do love her. I accepted her on that week, for all her good and bad I accepted her whole and she is not perfect, far from it, and yet its her, I know her enough to know how I truly feel about her, but being 2000km away this would make stuff way worse to handle. I would ask myself would I have to end my relationship, why do I feel like my body is running away from the best thing that ever happen to me. She is the best thing that happen to be in my 27 years of living. I could open my soul to her to feel this way, it breaks my heart and it puts me into tears. But this would be a mess because I would have days with no doubts nothing, and then house stress, would give me back my doubts.

Ever since i meet her I wanted to better myself, for myself and for the world. She didn't ask for me to change, she accepted me, but I know my flaws, my weaknesses. I had this drive to self-educate myself more to be the best man I could be to her, but HOCD and ROCD is making me even even avoid my own gender at times, my father included.

When I was under HOCD i read on articles about it everywhere, sometimes multiple times. I feel i could read a book about it thats how obsessed I was.

Please somebody tell me, what am I going past.
Is this OCD or am in denial.