Newly diagnosed, age 19

[RachelC]

Hi everybody.
I guess I've been suffering from panic disorder all my life but was too ashamed to say anything. When I moved away to college it became unbearable, I got to the point where I was completely unable to leave my dorm room. It never occurred to me I could have PD until I went to the doctor worried about my heart and she said the dreaded words, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, have you ever considered that you might have an anxiety disorder?" After finally admitting to my mom that something was wrong her doctor put me on an SSRI, about a year ago, and it has made life liveable again but the attacks and anxiety are still frequent and prevent me from having close relationships with other people. Everyone at school thinks I am akward and anti-social.
The part of this that has always made me feel the most ridiculous, and the reason I was so ashamed to talk about it with my family is that the triggers I have are so stupid. Once I panicked and fell unconscious because water was dripping on my windowsill, even though I knew it was only a drip. I just don't understand- I know it was nothing to be afraid of but I just can't stop it. Only my immediate family know about the problem, my mom is supportive, I have never directly talked about it with my father or brother but I know they think it is something I should be able to overcome. I feel like such a child, the worst panic attack Ive ever had was because my neighbors porch light came on just as I was falling asleep. I tried to talk to a counsellor but she wasnt very easy to talk to, she suggested I confront my fear but how can i confront something that is so random and trivial?

I am from the states but at the moment I'm studying in the UK. It has been really hard, I've been here over a month and haven't had a chance to enjoy it because leaving my room is so difficult. I increased my medication but that hasn't really helped. I wish all the other students could see that underneath I'm just a normal teenager, I would love to go out with them but Im so afraid of having an attack- when I do go out Im so tense I can barely speak to them. I know they think its weird that I stay in my room all the time, so do I, but its the only place I feel safe. It kills me that I am wasting this wonderful experience.

Sorry so long. Thanks for listening, it's nice to say this to people who probably wont think Im ridiculous or start avoiding me afterwards. [:I]

[manmoor]

Hi Rachel.

A big warm welcome to you. Every one here is lovely and you will be made very welcome hun. xxx

"When There Was Only One It Was Then That I Carried You."

[lizzie29]

Hi Rachel

Welcome to the site, there are always people here to chat to when you're feeling low.
I too suffer from panic attacks and I also feel that the reasons I have them are stupid. However, after talking to people I know that they're not. A lot of people have fears, some are irrational and panic often is. This doesn't make it any less serious for the person who is panicking and it doesn't mean that they need/deserve any less help and support.
Is there perhaps one person that you live with who you feel you could explain things to? I often feel that people will view me as 'weird', but the few people I've told have been great, and you often find that they have some sort of problem or hangup that they haven't told people.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you being so far away from your home and family, I really admire you for that and think it's a great achievement that you haven't just given up and gone back home. This obviously shows that you're very strong and you should be proud of that.

Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more, have you tried the chat room? Lot of lovely people there are it's nice to go somewhere where you can be serious but also have a good laugh. And you can do so from the safety of your room.

Take care, hope to speak soon

Lizzie x

[wobily_lin]

elo Rachel,

A big welcome to the site..great support n advice here. and you'll make some good friends too who understand x

Take care,
Lin xxx
"Fear is dat lil darkroom, wer negatives r developed", so positive thoughts okies!!!!!

[RachelC]

Thanks for the welcome.
Ive had bad experiences in the past with trying to tell people about it so I gave up trying- I told one of my best friends (she had confided in me that she was suffering from depression) and she was initially supportive, but after I collapsed in front of her she gradually stopped returning my phone calls. That was painful. She told me that not knowing how to help me made her feel bad about herself, and that "she couldn't deal with seeing me like that."
I guess I would rather people think I am shy than insane. [8)]

[yorkylover]

Hi Rachel,you are not insane pet.Sometimes people around us find it hard to help us.They are not sure what to do.This site will offer you lots of support and advise.

Ellen XX

[sarah1984]

Hi Rachel,
I'm Sarah, 22 and a fellow student, and I've been suffering with anxiety disorders on and off now from the age of 14. I agree with you that it can be really hard forming friendships when you have anxiety/panic and it must be especially difficult when you're away from home. I had to come home from university last year suffering from severe anxiety (I'm going back at Easter-hurray!) and I had to tell my friends that I was ill. I found the majority were incredibly understanding and supportive and one even admitted to having suffered from anxiety herself. Only one person blanked me after I had a panic when I was out and about and it made me realise that she wasn't worth bothering about. I'm sure your flatmates would understand and would be supportive, as they're away from home for the first time too and even the most confident of them will be feeling nervous. Most people are a lot more open about these things nowadays and I think especially so at college/university, as a considerable number of ppl suffer from these problems at our age. Have you thought about the uni counselling service? Check out some of the university societies-you'll meet people who have interests in common and there's bound to be some for people who prefer quieter activities.

As for worrying about your triggers, I think you can all too easily get trapped in a vicious circle of worrying about why your worrying and berating yourself for being trivial-I know I did! Perhaps your worries don't have one sole trigger or maybe they have one that is more subconscious, I'm not sure.

Anyhow, take care and welcome to NMP,
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat,
Sarah

[JoJo24]

Hi Rachel,

A big hello! Im 24 and ive suffered anxiety and panic attacks since i was 16!!! You are sooooo not alone and yes the silly triggers are the most annoying things.......

You need to give yourself a big pat on the back girlie, your suffering but still you made the choice to come here for your studies!!! Thats such a big step and i know your unhappy but it really does show your strenghs! Trust me i know its not easy to see any strenghs in ourselves when we suffer anxiety as we think "were weak" but your not!

I to have lost a few friends in the past as they either did'nt know how to handle my panic attakcs while we were out or just laughed it off! Some people have it in them to be able to speak great advise and some don't! Its not a bad thing just some people are afraid to say the wrong thing incase they make us feel worse! I really think you should speak to the uni councillor and maybe even look in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy!)

Take the first steps to your recovery by opening up and telling your flatmates, whats the worst that can happen??? They don;t understand you.... yeah but at least then they'll know your not ignoring them purposly.

Sorry for the long reply, just really want to get across to you that there are so many of us suffering, why be alone when we can help each other.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Jo

[sal]

Hi

Never be ashamed of how you feel it is an illness and a problem that we can control and overcome. We are all here to help you and you are not alone at all.

No one on here would avoid you as we do understand how you feel.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[amberbear]

hi i finally told my mother that i was suffering anixety and panic attacks and have been for many years,this was very hard for me to tell her as i always put on an act ,then to be told that she already new as she also suffered with panic attacks many years ago , and she was not willing to help , now i know i am on my own and have been to the doctor and i am going to see a therapist hopefully to start cbt , i have also startrd councelling which has been a great help . i would like to say hello to everyone as i have found this site a great help