Feeling so low and don't know what to try next

[ncfcfan85]

Hi all,

I really could do with some help.

I have been posting on here for many years on and off regarding my depression and fatigue issues.

At the start of the year I met a lovely girl through an online dating site - I didn't intend or expect a relationship to come of it, just a bit of fun but we soon clicked and everything was going well (apart from the fact that I've been out of work for a few years with my fatigue and mental health issues but she would obviously have known this from the off)

Then in March, a month and a half after we met, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She has been my rock through it, and I wouldn't have been able to deal with it as well as I have without her by my side. I had my thyroid and the cancerous tumours removed from the left side of my neck in April, the day after my 30th birthday and had radioactive iodine treatment in August. However, at the start of this month, I have been told there is more cancer, this time on the right hand side. I have also found a new lump on the left hand side which has made me incredibly anxious.

Through all this, like I say, she has been my rock, but a few months back we kind of went though an almost break-up because she couldn't handle the fact that I didn't work/earn money. Then it happened again about a month later and she said if I wanted to continue to be with her then I'd have to get counselling for my depression and fatigue, because she can't handle my negativity and glass half empty attitude. She also said I would have to get back into some voluntary work.

I tried so hard to do this amidst my illness and ongoing cancer, but I wasn't getting anywhere. Now a few weeks ago she decided she wanted some space and a break. After a week or two of her not seeing me I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and see her. We talked and she agreed to come see me Wednesday (last night) We went for a meal but ended up arguing over something so trivial (the fact I was going to spend Saturday night with my housemate - "I thought we'd be able to get back on track, and you know we always spend weekends together" she said - despite the fact she hasn't let me see her the past two weekends!)

I quickly said I would cancel with my housemate if it meant seeing her at the weekend, as I'd give anything to spend the weekend with her. But she is so stubborn and said no. Then we had a chat in her car for about an hour where she was telling me she's unhappy and she can't do it anymore - despite the fact she was earlier saying she thought we could get back on track and spend the weekend together.

I am so confused and so upset :( I feel so empty and haven't been able to stop crying since last night - with my depression, the cancer and the fact I feel incredibly alone and lost without her. I have been feeling so low about it that I've been to Samaritans twice.

She is everything to me and I love her with all my heart and she says she doesn't doubt this but going by what she's saying, she doesn't feel the same way :( I can't cope. I don't know what to do. She was saying last night how she will see me in two weeks - but that will be an eternity and I bet she won't see me :(

I'm not sure if this section of the forum is right for this kind of post. But a virtual hug or real hug would be perfect right now :(

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi,

I think you've had a really tough time of it. I remember talking to you about your side effects with Duloxetine and how hard it was and I've seen you having battles with Sertraline recently but cancer on top of it all and the CFS stuff, it must have been incredibly hard just to keep going!

I truly hope they manage to treat this new discovery too and get you in remission so you can not have all this hanging over you too.

It's a lot of pressure on a relationship and she could have walked away earlier, so perhaps it's all just got on top of her and she needs some time to get her head straight? I think if she was really set on giving up on you both, she has had the opportunity to just walk away. She doesn't appear to have done this so there is obviously still hope there and still love there.

I wish you all the best with it all and hope you get support on here too (this board can be a bit quiet nowadays)

[pulisa]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this incredibly hard time. I wonder whether your girlfriend is very confused as to whether she will be able to cope with your mental health and physical issues? Maybe she is scared and wants to take some time out to consider things? It is a lot for a young person to take on but that's not to say you don't deserve totally committed support and care...which you do.

I hope that the Samaritans were supportive but you sound as though you need a whole lot more than this. Going through cancer treatment must be exhausting and very frightening- can the hospital link you up to any support services to complement your ongoing care? Could your girlfriend join you on this-maybe she needs to know more about your condition? Pushing you to earn money at such a challenging period for you isn't helpful or appropriate.

I really hope you can make some progress-please let us know how you are getting on?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, I agree pulisa. First things first. A job seems pale in comparison to cancer treatment to me.

Good point about the support groups. I've seen "befriending" services around my way for people with things like cancer and the charities tend to run support groups where people get together and talk. Isn't there a big push on something called Survivorship at the moment? FMP will probably know. I'm sure I've seen something in the media about a global programme for cancer support by people who have been through it.

[pulisa]

I'm sure FMP will see this thread and comment. I just feel that you need help and support from the people best equipped to give it as well as unconditional support from your nearest and dearest. You need to look after yourself first and foremost though.

[ncfcfan85]

Thank you so much for the responses, they truly mean a lot to me.

I really am struggling and I can't stop the tears. I think they are mainly coming through a combination of missing her, rejection and loneliness. With the cancer, I now feel like I am going to be dealing with it alone rather than having my girl by my side and I miss her terribly :(

It's all getting too much at the moment. I am not saying I am looking for sympathy but I feel so totally alone at the moment in all this. My mum and dad are supportive and my girlfriend is/was too but it feels like nobody else in my life (not that I have loads of friends) isn't taking it very seriously at all. Almost like I've got a virus that will just go away after time.

Indeed Terry it has been incredibly hard to keep going and I feel I have now hit a brick wall in everything. After we had the talk last week about me needing to show I was making the effort to try and change, I had a positive Monday this week where I enquired about and applied for many voluntary positions, visited a recruitment agency and also booked my first counselling session with a counsellor (something she had wanted me to do since August but the main thing stopping me was financial reasons - counsellors tend to want upwards of £40 and hour - according to her, despite being jobless, I should just pay it - but it isn't that easy) I found one for £15 an hour.

In terms of hospital support Terry and Pulisa, I was pointed in direction to the Big C charity the other week. They offer many services and one of which is counselling, but only 6 sessions. This is something else I booked in on my "positive Monday" and had my first session the day after. It was good but at that point I still thought I had a chance with my girlfriend. Now I feel there is no chance, I can't get my head around it either. I am now constantly in bits and absolutely devastated. I just called my mum and she has agreed with you and a few of my friends by saying I don't need this stress right now with everything going on and need to focus on getting better - but I am so incredibly lonely. That's not the only reason I was with my girlfriend or wanted to spend time with her of course - I love her dearly. But it is incredibly hard going from spending time with someone who has been a rock for me through this cancer so far, to then nothing at all and feeling like I am going through it alone :(

The Big C also offer 6 sessions for family or partners of those suffering with cancer. My girlfriend expressed interest in this when we first read about it. But now I doubt she will do it. She does know and understand all about my condition but she doesn't understand. As you know Terry from my posts on here in the past, dealing with fatigue is dreadful. Waking up each morning feeling like I have not slept at all is soul destroying yet I have to push through the day. However, she doesn't understand fully how I feel. She understands the problems I suffer with, but I don't think she understands how they effect me. Obviously I hadn't had a diagnosis of cancer when I first met her in February, but she knew I was out of work and she knew I had the fatigue. Yet she seemed so so so happy! So I don't understand why, now that I have an illness that has been diagnosed (unlike CFS, which is given through process of elimination) that she can't understand that I am finding it difficult.

I really do not know where to turn. I go to Samaritans or call them, and it's lovely to have someone to talk to, but it doesn't make me feel better. I feel I am tearing myself up. I can't stop thinking about her. I do indeed need to look after myself, but I now feel so low and empty that I can't see a way forward. It scares me to say but I can't see a future for me :( hence my visits to Samaritans. This has broken me. I am exhausted through crying so much. I am exhausted in general. It's interesting to note that for many months and times of being on various anti-depressants (as you mention Terry I am currently on Sertraline) I have felt flat and emotionless at times when I could have cried. But ever since all of this has kicked off with my girlfriend, I can't stop crying. I am so sad. I don't know what to do. I am also struggling as the new lump I found on the left side of my neck has started feeling very unusual. It is another big worry for me.

All my life seems to be is heartbreak. Every time I have a relationship, and there haven't been many, I always come out feeling like I have been hit by a train. And yet I haven't done anything wrong - I would never hurt her. I am a good person but it seems that isn't enough :(

I truly appreciate your responses at this difficult time.

[pulisa]

I think that you need to get the new lump fully investigated and you need to know where you stand with your girlfriend. I think you need to ask her point-blank as to whether she is going to fully support you in your treatment for both the cancer and for the mental health and CFS issues. Also I think she needs to understand that voluntary work or paid work of any kind may not be your first priority at such a challenging time in your life. Keeping you dangling and confused isn't helpful-she may have been a "rock" before but she's not helping you much now and you need people in your life who will be there for you through thick and thin. Can you turn to your parents for support? Maybe you should spell out to your friends just what you are going through. Maybe they just aren't aware of your diagnosis and the distress this causes?

[ncfcfan85]

Thank you so much for the response Pulisa.

I had a CT scan on Tuesday at the hospital. This was for my neck and chest and the doctors said that the new lump would be scanned. I am concerned though as it has started to hurt a lot and feel very unusual around that area, especially since Wednesday night when the stress started with my girlfriend. I don't know what's going on.

I am so worried and scared that I already know where I stand with my girlfriend. I don't think she wants it anymore and I don't think anything I can say or do will fix it - even if I was to get a volunteering job (which I do think would be good for me, gets me out of the house, gives me a reason to get up and is less pressure) I think if I had got one a month or two ago things would be fine so now all I am doing is kicking myself and wondering why on earth I have had to lose her before realising this :-( I do need her support and her love. You are right, what's happening now is definitely not helping, especially as she has been there all along and now suddenly - nothing - I feel like I am dealing with it on my own.

I do want to get better and I agree that my health should be the priority but I don't know why she can't see this :( everyone I talk to about this says my health should come first and that the last thing I should be worrying about is a job. But love is funny and I can't help how I feel for this girl. I just don't think she feels it for me and it is destroying me.

I can turn to my parents but I don't live with them and they live 30 mins down the road (I don't drive and don't get to see them often) My friends, I have not heard from much at all since the diagnosis back in March. I feel so very isolated. This is why my girlfriend being there has meant everything to me and I just don't see why she is doing this! I can't get my head around it. I want someone to tell me this is all a nightmare and wake me up - but here I am feeling so low that I don't feel I have any place here anymore :(

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think she needs to look at the positive things you are doing. You are getting counselling and seeking help. You are trying to get volunteering work. It can't be easy trying to work anyway with CFS. I struggle enough getting through with my own fatigue issues which are not on that level!

She expressed an interest in committing to counselling for partners. So, I think she needs to follow up on that or else how can she expect things from you? It's a two way thing. She doesn't understand all you are going through and now she has the opportunity to learn from a professional so if she doesn't take it, she can hardly say you aren't trying if she isn't.

I don't want to sound harsh about her but she is applying pressure over something that, to me, seems pretty meaningless. You can't do it all. Getting a job comes second to getting well. What if you are too unwell with the treatment to work? I wonder what your doctor would think about that? I don't think she is being realistic. Get past the cancer treatment first and then come back to the working issues. Long term it will help you but it can't be a prerequisite right now.

Have you shown her your commitment to counselling? Can she change her opinions if she knows there is a plan? So, you both do counselling now, get the cancer sorted and have another step on your plan for the working side?

[ncfcfan85]

Thanks for the replies. It has taken me a while to get back here. I have had a terrible week :(

Yesterday I had a hospital appointment to discuss the results of the CT scan last week and the next steps. I obviously already knew that there was further cancer in the right side of my neck, but I wasn't prepared to be told there is more in my neck at the front where my thyroid used to be. So this was another blow and it now means definite surgery and at least one extra course of radioactive treatment.

I so hoped she would be there, but she wasn't. I went with my dad. She did however text me (only after I'd text her first saying morning) saying that I must text her asap once I know the results. Then later that day she actually phoned me and I tried again explaining all the positive things I have been trying to do. Trying so hard despite how ill, exhausted and low I feel. But it just never seems like enough and it didn't go anywhere. I don't know when I am next going to see her - if at all. We are still texting, but her texts to me are very short and blunt, and actually sometimes bordering on sarcastic/nasty.

The counselling is something I am continuing with and I had another session on Tuesday, although I didn't feel as comfortable as the first time around for some reason. I have also since paid another visit to Samaritans (the girlfriend doesn't know that) As you say Terry, the cancer charity offer me 6 free counselling sessions but they also offer 6 for partners or family going through it with me, so she could quite easily take up this option and at first she seemed keen but now I am not so sure. I am trying my best, trying my hardest, but I don't think I should be pushing myself like this right now :( she says that people with cancer continue to work. Maybe sometimes they do, but that's if they are already in a job! Not being pressured to find one whilst trying to cope with my physical problems but also my deteriorating mental state.

I too want to get the cancer out of the way and then start putting more energies and focus into finding work. I have been having conversations with someone about a voluntary office position with the local council, which sounds promising, but even that seems it has the potential to be a bridge too far at this very moment. I just wish she would understand that it won't be like this forever and that I don't want to "not work" or "be a bum" as she says, I want to work, I want to earn money, buy a house, have kids, the lot. I have those ambitions but these past 5 years have been a write off with first the fatigue coming out of nowhere and then progressively getting worse and now the cancer. If I mention to her that it could have been cancer building up in my body causing the fatigue all along, she won't have any of it.

I think the plan you suggest Terry sounds very reasonable and also realistic. I have shown I am committed to counselling, as I have been to two sessions at the hospital and also one in-take session at a private counsellors. I was also asked yesterday at the hospital if I would like to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I said yes. Some people, girlfriend included, make out I do nothing to help myself - but all through this journey (which started with the fatigue in 2010) I have done SO much to help myself. I have never ever turned down any help but it seems it is not good enough.

I am feeling in an extremely low place tonight. I don't really know how to cope with this. I feel so alone, isolated and pathetic :(