Hello all. Really don't know what to write :(
I've suffered with anxiety and depression for years, extreme cannabis use is the main cause. Quit smoking it 8 years ago as i had a breakdown when our daughter died. I got help at the time in the form of counselling as didn't want to take AD. But after that i just carried on. Often suffering panic attacks and anxiety, and feeling really depressed for a couple of months at a time.
I didn't want to admit anything to anyone, even my partner, as i didn't want to seem weak to her. Now this last year i pretty much just gave in to the depression. Didn't want to do anything at all, became fatter and lazier, and just buried myself in computer games from morning until night. Lost contact with all my friends, and just stopped making music and djing as id lost all confidence in myself.
Became even more jealous of everything, questioned everything she did and became so insecure it made her life hell.
Now 4 weeks ago i finally opened up to my sister, and realized i needed help. That same day i considered just killing myself, but the thought of my partner of nearly 12 years and our 4 kids stopped me and made me wake up. When i got home from work i just had a really bad insecure urge, so logged into her Facebook for the first time on her laptop (i had previously looked at her phone 3 times which i admitted to her every time i did it), where i found messages from the day before to an old boyfriend that lives miles away. Nothing overly wrong with them but i just freaked out. She was at her sisters with our kids for a party so phoned to see what the hell was going on, admitting to my depression as well as the anxiety etc.
She then said shes not happy anymore and wants to split up. I begged her for a chance, and she stayed for a week, but i could see the pain in her eyes every day. All this while finally letting go and admitting to my problems just seemed to make it all worse. Then 3 weeks ago she said she cant do it anymore, and left me and our 4 kids.
So i'm trying to deal with everything all at once, which you can probably imagine is not an easy task. Going from sinking into a bubble and doing nothing, to suddenly having to do everything. Going from holding everything in for years to it all just coming out, and trying to understand why my partner wont give it a chance after all we've been through together in nearly 12 years
I went straight to the docs to get AD's the Monday after it all happened, as i knew i needed help. And have since requested Counselling which i have to wait for. But i just don't know how long i can go on for feeling like this. Finally accepting i have a problem, and trying to understand how she could leave us, especially while i am going through all this. Not wanting to do anything but having to force myself as i know otherwise it wont get done. Im just so lost atm and don't know where to turn
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