Having a relapse . . . Please help

[Scared_11]

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I used this site for posting or any sort of reassurance but I have having a relapse at the moment and need to get my thoughts down.

My OCD has always focused on suicide and depression! It's a concept the terrifies me and consumes me.

Anyway, after starting meds and doing some ERP with a therapist around 2 years ago I have been doing realy great. About 15 months of total remission. It was lovely. I had afew little blips here and there but nothing that stood out or got me down.

I have always had a fear of getting pregnant and having a baby because I have always worried about getting post natal depression and I am convinced my health will struggle. But I have always wanted a baby and have a very stable loving relationship.

So low and behold I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and am struggling with my OCD massively. At first I was excited but then I think a mix of hormones, morning sickness and normal anxious thoughts have kicked my OCD back into full force. I have increased my medication now and am 2 weeks in! I just feel absolutely terrified, and terrified I've got pre natal depression, which then makes me feel depressed and the suicide OCD feels like a real threat. And I keep worrying that I am going to just keep getting worse then won't be aBoe to handle having a baby and feeling like this and am going to end up in a mental hospital and will never get better, or worse still that I won't want to get better, that I will just give up.

Typing all that makes me feel physically sick.

So just to add to my difficult situation I heard some news over the weekend of a friend of a friend who is realy struggling with post natal depression to the point were she has left home and moved back in with her parents, this spiked me massively. Then yesterday I found out that she was in hospital because she took an overdose. This is the worst spike I think I have ever had and I feel like I can't function. I am worrying about her so much and really hope that she is going to be ok but more than anything I worry that that's the path I am heading for.

Hope someone takes the time to read this and help me out a little.

[Jo1970]

Hi, I too have the same pure o mental health anxiety...I could have wrote your post myself. Prenatal anxiety and depression is very very common..but everyone just talks about post natal. I had it with both my children. You are on meds which you need to keep on. If you feel like this now, you won't feel worse after....you will be too busy enjoying your baby. I even struggled after but it was ok.

[jadedreams]

Hey there, I too have troubles with OCD about suicide and depression, get lots of intrusive thoughts that scare me to death. I was doing better a couple months ago, but then it seemed to get worse again so I am struggling at the moment. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have many of the same fears as you, hang in there - keep up with the medication, talk to people, we will find a way through this.

[Scared_11]

Thank you for your responses.

Jo. . . Did u find that you had the same thoughts/fears when u were pregnant? What did u do about them?

I have dealt with this theme and feeling this anxious and depressed before and I know it will go with time as long as I am doing the right things.

I just wish I wasn't so scared of depression. It's my biggest fear ever because I know how debilitating and frightening it can be.

I am clinging to the hope that when I have this baby I will have something else to focus on and worry about
X

[Jo1970]

Hi
Yes was scared to death I would have severe pnd. I had two lovely babies that took my mind off it when they were born. I still found motherhood hard...I am here 17 years on and still worried about the same thing....what does that tell you. It never happened.

[Scared_11]

Did u suffer anxiety and depression whilst pregnant?

[Jo1970]

I did indeed.

[Scared_11]

How did you cope with it?!

I am realy struggling today, can literally feeling the anxiety in my arms and legs and just feel like crying all the time.

[Zeldagirl]

I read your post earlier and keep thinking about it and feel the need to answer. I feared post partum depression while pregnant because I read a lot of pregnancy books and they all mentioned it so I became scared I would get it. Had I know about pre partum depression I would have for sure convinced myself that I had that too. I have always feared having illnesses. I did really well until about 2 months after having my daughter and I heard something on the news that shook me to the core. I totally had a mental breakdown and feared the same would happen to me. I did end up moving in with my mom. It was after much suffering I discovered that I have ocd. The point of me telling you this is that I had no idea I had ocd until this happened. Then so much in my life made sense and I realized I had it since I was a child. In your case you know that you have ocd and you will know that these are just thoughts and you have dealt with them before so you will be stronger and more prepared. No matter what happens you will make it through. I just hope that you will able to recognize it as OCD and not let it ruin your experience.

On another note, I have more recently had the fear of depression/ suicide. That one was absolutely aweful and was very difficult to pull out of. If you have survived that you will be just fine.

Pray and believe it works wonders

---------- Post added at 22:09 ---------- Previous post was at 22:05 ----------

Btw my daughter is 11 years old now and I even had another child with absolutely no issues. I got through. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time worrying when I should have been happy. Hormones can make things tricky with ocd, I have learned. Just keep that in mind and let your body adjust.

[Scared_11]

Thank you for your response.

I am having a bad few days! Feel like I'm losing control! Full of fear and feeling depressed.

This theme is awful and confusing when u feel depressed, it makes u wonder are the intrusive thought due to OCD or depression!

Coming on these forums has always been a compulsion of mine and yesterday I tried to stay off them all day and ended up having a breakdown in the evening because I couldn't relieve the anxiety or intrusions.

Today has been slightly better, I have chilled out all day with my family, watched tv, played some games on the iPad and had a little nap. I have been on the forums slightly today because they do make me feel better slightly, although I know in the long run that they are bad for me.

I have been here before and deep down I know I'll get passed it and be ok. I just wish I could fast forward time or go asleep until I feel better.
I know that being pregnant has triggered this massively as up until the day I found out I was pregnant I was fine, doing realy well and looking forward to starting a family. Then out of nowhere I feel like I am back at square one.

All my techniques I used in the past don't seem to be working. I am on the waiting list for CBT so hopefully that will come round sooner rather than later.