Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I used this site for posting or any sort of reassurance but I have having a relapse at the moment and need to get my thoughts down.
My OCD has always focused on suicide and depression! It's a concept the terrifies me and consumes me.
Anyway, after starting meds and doing some ERP with a therapist around 2 years ago I have been doing realy great. About 15 months of total remission. It was lovely. I had afew little blips here and there but nothing that stood out or got me down.
I have always had a fear of getting pregnant and having a baby because I have always worried about getting post natal depression and I am convinced my health will struggle. But I have always wanted a baby and have a very stable loving relationship.
So low and behold I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and am struggling with my OCD massively. At first I was excited but then I think a mix of hormones, morning sickness and normal anxious thoughts have kicked my OCD back into full force. I have increased my medication now and am 2 weeks in! I just feel absolutely terrified, and terrified I've got pre natal depression, which then makes me feel depressed and the suicide OCD feels like a real threat. And I keep worrying that I am going to just keep getting worse then won't be aBoe to handle having a baby and feeling like this and am going to end up in a mental hospital and will never get better, or worse still that I won't want to get better, that I will just give up.
Typing all that makes me feel physically sick.
So just to add to my difficult situation I heard some news over the weekend of a friend of a friend who is realy struggling with post natal depression to the point were she has left home and moved back in with her parents, this spiked me massively. Then yesterday I found out that she was in hospital because she took an overdose. This is the worst spike I think I have ever had and I feel like I can't function. I am worrying about her so much and really hope that she is going to be ok but more than anything I worry that that's the path I am heading for.
Hope someone takes the time to read this and help me out a little.