I think I am now developing depression and I can't afford it

[inha]

Hello,
I have been on this forum a lot for my health anxiety which was unbearable during the summer. When I went back to uni, I felt okay, much better. I could sleep and kept myself busy.
The past month however, has been terrible. Health anxiety is back, plus I keep having very dark thoughts, I can't face the day, I've been skipping a lot of classes lately and I haven't been explaining any of it, I skip meals, nothing is much fun anymore.
I have two essays and an exam for which I need to work a lot coming up in two weeks and just writing this I'm crying again because I'm never going to make it and I think I should snap out of it but I can't.
I feel guilty all day because I think I'm being lazy but the truth is I used to love researching and writing essays, I can get a lot of satisfaction from doing economics exercises but now I just can't bring myself to do it. I put my books in front of me and then spend hours hating myself for reading trashy celebrity news stories online instead of tackling my work.

I can't afford to lose all this time but I'm just feeling desperate. I want to sleep all the time to not think about this.
I'm afraid to go to the doctor's for this because I think they are going to tell me I have no excuse and should just put myself together. What if this is right and I'm just being capricious and lazy?
My flatmates are both very smart and busy people and I'm just there failing an easy degree and not doing anything with my life. Uni is all I have... I can't even imagine failing this.

It feels out of my control but I can't believe it is.

Thanks for reading

[debs71]

It certainly does not sound that you being at all 'capricious and lazy'.

It does sound like depressive symtoms to me.

Sadly, anxiety and depression almost always go hand in hand, even if the dominant thing you had was originally HA/anxiety. You sound like you have a lot on your plate right now, which may perhaps be why you are finding things tough right now.

The things you are feeling and describe do sound like depression to me - just wanting to sleep, lack of appetite, dark thoughts, increased anxiety. I have had depression and GAD/panic for 12 years now, and experience the same things when depressed. I am having a depressive period at the moment, and I have not even showered or got out of my PJ's for 2 days because I have found getting out of bed so hard mentally.....I feel horrible about that, but when depression grips you it is very hard, I know......just want you to know that I and others know how you feel right now and can relate.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. I would urge you to please see your doctor asap. If they are any kind of decent doctor there is no way on earth they will tell you to pull yourself together. You clearly need some help and support and they should help you with that. I know it is hard, but be as honest as you can and up front about how you are feeling. Also, try if you can not to dwell on what your flatmates are doing, who they are, etc. You are NOT them! You are your own person and don't have to measure up to anyone else. The trouble with depression is that it whispers all the negative stuff in our heads like we are losers, failures, we should feel guilty, etc. etc. That is just your low mood talking, nothing more.

You can feel better, I promise you. Please go and have a chat with your doctor asap. xxx

[inha]

Thanks a lot for your answer, Debs.
I guess it's good to hear it. I am very sorry to hear that you are also having a difficult time right now. Let's get through this!

I hate that my flatmates sometimes notice that something is off but I can't tell them about all of this because I feel like they will think I'm acting sad to explain me being lazy or something... My flatmate already has a very depressed relative and she is so tired of this.

Everything upsets me, I don't know what to talk about except complain and try to get people to tell me it'll be alright even if I don't write my essays or don't go to class. I just talk about how behind I am on everything and make it sound like I'm somehow in control...

I have a counselling session next week (finally got to the top of the waiting list) so hopefully I'll figure something out there, and see a GP also.

Thanks again, positive thoughts to you!!