The world case of anxiety/panic in the world.
Hello everybody! Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dante and i am 27 from the Manchester, UK. If you feel that you are going through some issues with anxiety and panic attacks then please read my story and it will give you great encouragement. Right, where the hell to begin!?
I have been suffering for a very long time, too long and i have been gradually wearing thinner as time has progressed. You see, nobody understands, they are not even attempting to, they just believe what they wish to believe without actually ever taking my true feelings into account. The last few years have been nothing short of hell. I never knew that life could be so cruel. I have to constantly ask myself, did i deserve this? Am i a bad person? I still haven't come up with a solid answer to that yet. I do hold strong political and religious (or lack of) beliefs and I can on occasion portray my opinion just that little bit too loudly. But the jury is still out on whether or not that is enough for me to have to endure all of this.
I think i should apologise to all the people that i have hurt in my life, whether that be through a pointless disagreement over football or anybody that i have unintentionally screwed over. I do my best to care and to be a decent inhabitant of this world, but that is easier said than done isnt it? I feel i have done my part in trying to make this world a better place, no matter how tiny my contribution. I have raised money for charities and have always tried to bring joy to peoples lives. I guess, now i have just become overcome with hatred and jealously. I look at people passing by, on the television or out of the window and i just think 'i hate you'. What makes them so special that they are healthy enough to just go about their day as normal and enjoy a lovely little stroll, or meeting up with friends, go for a swim, anything, the simple little things. Why do i not deserve what the entire human race takes for granted? I feel extremely bitter towards absolutely everybody. I see documentaries about absolute monsters, serial killers, paedophiles and mass rapists and all i can think is, 'this person makes people suffer and yet he is somehow deemed better than me, as he is capable of living a normal life and i am not'. It puts everything into perspective. I am worthless. I mean, even people dying from cancer and with minutes to live are in better health than i am.
10th September 2013, The worst day in my life and the beginning of the end. I always look back on it and wonder if their was anything i could have done differently or to prevent it but truthfully i know that there was nothing i could have done. I will explain exactly what happened a bit later, but i feel it may be beneficial to you to know a bit more about me and my past.
I was born into a broken family, that had many issues and growing up was absolutely hell for various reasons. My sperm donor (would never ever even contemplate calling him a father of any kind) was a waste of space alcoholic who used to beat not only my Mum but me and my brother as well. I do not have a single good word to say about him. I have a really vivid memory of once, when i was really young, being stood on the stairs with my brother, watching him kick a wooden table at my Mum and screaming at her, all because she wouldn't give him the rent and food money so that he could go down the pub and betting shop. He also contributed to some really irrational fears that i have, i am petrified of Elmo (yes that stupid little red puppet thing, laugh all you want). FG (which he is known by in our family, it stands for Fat Git) used to sing a song from the Elmo show (a segment of Sesame Street if i remember correctly) to me as i laid in bed terrified and wondering whether he was gonna physically hurt me or my Mum again. Ever since, i have never been able to see or hear Elmo without cringing or backing away in pure terror. He did eventually leave our lives and i had hope that things would get better.
That was when my Mum found religion. Which is an entirely different matter. Forcing your children to 'believe' in some ridiculous notion of their being an invisible man sat in the clouds murdering everybody is nothing short of child abuse. I hate and i mean HATE all forms of religion. It is all a complete load of rubbish that causes people to suffer unnecessarily. Dont get me wrong, my Mum is golden, absolutely golden, she has always done her best in difficult circumstances and we have always had a fantastic connection, just a pity that she got an imaginary friend. I was always trapped growing up, being absolutely forced to go to church numerous times a week and i hated every second of it, i wanted to kill every single person in that building and i am actually really surprised that i never did. Its not just that though, it was the same at home, the 'daily Bible studies' and 'daily family prayer meetings' etc. I would rather have set myself on fire than have to put up with even a second of it. There was no other alternative in the household though, pretend to be interested in the stupid fictional religion or face the consequences, which once resulted in my Brother being dragged down to the pastor of the church's house late at night and aggressively prayed over. All because he said he didn't feel up to having a Bible study with the family that evening. He said that whilst he was at the pastors house that everybody put their hands on his head and frantically yelled prayers at him and they were convinced that he 'demonised'.
My Mum did re-marry, a good friend of hers as she was growing up and who she knew through the church. John his name is and i have called him Dad for years. He is extremely judgemental and is only interested in working and religion but he has been a good influence on me in many ways and i cant thank him enough for what he has done for my Mum in regards to playing his part in overcoming the FG saga. My entire childhood has had a really detrimental effect on me as you can imagine and i started drinking and smoking and rebelling as much as i could at quite a young age. It was my escape from reality.
I ended up moving from place to place, never really ever feeling settled or like i truly belonged. I guess i enjoyed the thrill of living life in the fast lane and with as much drama and excitement as possible. Anything to be as far away from religion as i could be. The one thing that i have a really undying passion for, which pretty much consumes my every thought, is football. Mainly Manchester City. I have always seen it as my be all and end all and i would rather be killed in a really painful way than to even miss a single second of a City match. They are my absolute everything and always have been and always will be. Not only do i have a passion for watching but i have a passion for playing. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything but as i was growing up, i was bloody good. Like, i could have been a professional, good. Horrific injuries and other circumstances took my dream of making it my career away from me and i have been extremely bitter about it since. I did well at school, passed all of my exams etc but could not for the life of me decide what to do with my life. I had no back up plan. It was all about the football for me.
So i decided to go travelling for a while, try and 'find myself'. I was 19 at the time and had never ever been on a plane before (maybe 'God' told my parents that family vacations were satanic or something, your guess is as good as mine) but i got myself a meaningless, boring 9 to 5 and saved every single penny so that i could make my aspirations of seeing the world a reality. I really knuckled done and worked my absolute socks off to raise the funds to begin travelling. I wasn't even sure where i wanted to go really, just anywhere. I was thinking the United States maybe, as the vast amount of lifestyles and cultures out there really appealed to me. It was about that time that i met this Aussie girl called Vida. I thought she was amazing and i quickly realised that i wanted to go out there to be with her. A decision i would regret in some ways. She was my first love and i really fell for her, like you could never understand. Looking back, i must have been completely overbearing. Like all first relationships, it didn't work out, it could have been the fact that everything moved far too quickly, we moved in together straight away etc or it could be something to do with the fact that she was a cheating whore that thought sleeping with one of my mates was acceptable. However, the positives that the relationship gave me were that i had steady job, made some great friends and absolutely loved the Australian way of life. To me, it was paradise.
I lived there initially for almost 2 years and then Visa problems forced me back to the UK and into homeless hostels as i had nowhere else to go (parents felt that i wouldn't 'learn' anything unless i had no fixed abode) I spent nights sleeping rough, on park benches, car parks, railway tunnels, bank porches, you name it but i eventually got a roof over my head in the shape of a YMCA hostel in Crewe. Being in that environment didn't help me as i started to hit drugs and drink quite a bit, think it was to try and find some sort of acceptance although I never felt loneliness quite like i did around then. I got stuck in a rut where i couldn't find a job (maybe i just didn't care) and i was just wasting away with the Jeremy Kyle chav casualties that surrounded me. Eventually i managed to get my act together and was offered a lifeline by my Mum after hours of crying to her on the phone, she agreed that i could temporarily move back home to try and get my life together. I quickly found work, in a fast food restaurant and then eventually labouring at a school and at the Olympics (which i was useless at but somehow managed to keep my job long enough to save a tidy sum for myself).
I still had the itch to travel and missed my friends out in Australia. So i jumped straight back on a plane as soon as i could afford to and went back out there. I was there for another year or so, loving life and although i was still single, i was the happiest i had ever been. My visa eventually expired again and i didn't want to return to the depressing UK where i knew i didn't really have anywhere to go and not much to miss, so i went to New Zealand instead. My time there was amazing and a huge struggle at the same time. I had very little money, like hardly enough to last the first initial few weeks, so i had to desperately find work. I met some amazing like minded travellers in a bar one night in Auckland (2 Germans, a French girl and an American) and we all really hit it off straight away.
The very next day, we all decided the best thing to do was to stick together and we all chipped in to buy a camper van. I used the very last bit of my money on this. For a couple of months, things were incredible. We drove around randomly, camping out on beaches and taking in all the amazing things the the country had to offer. Just really living and being at one with nature and our incredible surroundings. One morning when we were all hungover and tired after being enticed into a beach party the night before, we crashed Milky 209 (that's what we named the van as it was white and we all stayed in Room 209 at Nomads Backpackers the first night we all met). The crash was bad but thankfully the only person to have been injured was poor Milky himself, so that care free lifestyle quickly ended and we were forced to go our separate ways with some fantastic memories.
I ended up in a backpackers up in Kerikeri on the east coast of the North Island. Beautiful place. I found myself some seasonal work, working on various different orchards and vineyards, picking fruit mainly. I managed to top my funds back up a little bit and decided that i was wasting my travelling experience by being stuck in one place. So i left, just like that. I went to the nearest road that led out of the town and put my thumb out. No destination, just anywhere. Whenever i got picked up hitch-hiking, i allowed the driver to drop me off wherever was convenient for them and that is the place i explored for the day and set my tent up for the night and then was back by the side of the road the next morning and then see where i ended up that day. It was liberating and i cherished every single second of it. It was good while it lasted but after a while, my money was gone and i struggled to find a job as the picking season was over. I ended up sleeping rough in Alberts Park in central Auckland and begging on Queens Street during the day just to get something to eat. The lowest point of my entire life. I used to go to the local library a hour a day to try and reach out to friends for help. My parents maintained that if they sent me some money or whatever that i wouldn't 'learn to stand on my own two feet'. They were fully aware of just how severe and desperate my situation was. I still hold that against them to this day.
Eventually after a month or so of this hell, a good friend of mine who i knew from school but hadn't spoke to for a long time called Nick Brewer had seen one of my desperate cries for help on my Facebook page and messaged me to tell me that he wanted to help. He ended up buying me a flight home! Completely out of the goodness of his heart. He is a successful music artist now and is signed by a major record label and he is regularly smashing the charts with his music. I still am not over it and continue to let him know my gratitude to this day, but i think i am getting on his tits as i must have thanked him 1000 times!
Back in the UK, i ended up back in the youth hostel in Crewe after 4 years of seeing the world as i had nowhere else to go and at least it was better then being back on the streets. I was determined not to end up the same way i was when i was in there previously. It was then that i had 3 friends of mine die in the space of 10 months, all of which were younger than me. One was murdered, one died of a long standing heart condition and the other died of a head injury. This hit me hard and i sunk into a really deep depression. I was also terrified of death. I had always been in great health and was always on the move doing something physical.
Then came the day that completely ruined the rest of my life and has led to me being where i am today. It was the 10th September 2013. I was sat there in my room watching some mind-numbing television, just relaxing before i was going to go to football training (i played for the hostel team in a local league and really enjoyed it). All of a sudden and with absolutely no warning, everything went black and my heart began to beat out of my chest, i say beat, i may as well say vibrate as i cannot put into words just how fast it was going. I was absolutely convinced that i was having an heart attack. I collapsed and ended up in hospital. It was put down to an extreme anxiety attack. I quit smoking, drinking and everything on the spot, not that i was a heavy drinker or smoker anyway, just socially when out with friends, which is pretty normal.. In the weeks that followed, i was extremely ill and bed ridden and was having constant palpitations and many many other horrible symptoms. My family became concerned after i began to feel suicidal and i did actually attempt to take my life. They wanted me to be a little close to home so they could be there if i really needed them. They helped me move back down south to another YMCA hostel where my brother lived.
My health got worse and worse and worse. I was in that hostel with my brother down south for almost a year but i was struggling to cope and i spent the entire time in and out of hospital and my brother didn't have a clue how to deal with me so tended to stay away as much as he could. I very nearly took my own life again. I met this amazing girl called Laura through a mutual friend and i was completely up front with her about it all. We grew closer and closer over the months and i eventually moved in with her. We were perfect for each other and for the first time i felt that i had somebody who truly understood me and actually cared. That is where i am to this day and where i am writing this from.
My health has become absolutely unbearable. It has got to the point where i am not well enough to leave my bed, let alone take a step out of the front door. Even getting to the toilet is a great struggle and i have had many toilet 'accidents' because i have been too physically unwell to get to the toilet. I spend my days laying in bed doing nothing as it is all i am well enough to do. Most days i cannot even watch the TV or whatever as i am unable to concentrate on anything for very long and i grow really annoyed and angry seeing people living a normal life, even if it is just on the TV.
There is nothing i desire more than to be able to live a normal life. Scrap that, not even a normal life. I would absolutely ANYTHING to just have 10 minutes of, not even good health, just okay health, where i could go to the park and get some fresh air or go to the shop across the road from me. I long to do the very simple things that everybody takes for granted you know?
My official diagnosis, which i don't believe and never have done, is that i suffer from Extreme Health Anxiety, Extreme Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Sinus Tachycardia, Panic Attacks, Hypochondria, Insomnia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome,Thanatophobia, Extreme Depression and Vertigo. I do NOT and never will believe that this is a mental health issue because they come and go and they cannot affect you SO physically every single second of every day for 3 years! Also, nothing has triggered it, i have always been very happy prior to that fateful day and always in great physical health.
All of these horrible symptoms are completely constant and never ending, leaving me with no life whatsoever. I do not even know where to begin to explain the actual physical things that i feel all day, every day, but i will ust scratch the surface for you. I feel like i am stood or laying in sponge on a boat during a really rough storm, or like i am trying to stand on a trampoline that about 20 people around me are jumping on. I am that unstable, you know that really horrible feeling when you miss a step? Well every single step is like that for me but it is the same if i am just merely stood up and even when i am sitting down or laying down, its always there regardless. My heart is constantly beating really hard and off rhythm and there isn't a single second that goes by where i am not absolutely convinced that i am going to have a heart attack. Seriously, i must be screaming in agony and crying my eyes out for at least 4-5 hours a day. The palpitations are ridiculous and i always feel like i have about 5 people sat on my chest and that my heart is being stabbed with a knife with every single beat. The pain can be unbearable. My entire left side goes completely numb, to the point where if i left hooked a wall, i wouldn't feel a thing. I am always feeling extremely sick, like i am on verge on vomiting constantly, and i do vomit very often. I have really extreme tension headaches and earaches where it feels like somebody has my head in a vice and is slowly squeezing. I am always having coughing fits which add to my nausea. I constantly feel detached from my body and like nothing around me is real. My vision is very blurred and it looks like i am looking through a dirty pane of glass and sometimes i go completely blind for a few seconds, which is terrifying. I have extreme insomnia, some nights i don't get to sleep until about 8 or 9 the next morning as i am far too terrified to fall asleep in case i never wake up again.My body basically screams at me not to sleep because i wont wake up again. My muscles constantly ache and have really painful random spasms and i am constantly very very weak, sometimes even trying to turn over in bed is too difficult. I have had diarrhoea for nearly 2 years and have actually had accidents as sometimes i cannot control my bowels or get to a toilet in time. Every time i eat, no matter what it is or how little, i have to put up with all the symptoms instantly increasing for a while afterwards, to the extent where i feel like i am going to collapse. I get painful trapped wind and bloat very easily and it happens after most meals. I don't drink fizzy drinks as they make my chest pains and palpitations worse and i am physically unable to do any form of exercise, no matter how light, as even going from a laying down to sitting position makes my heart go crazy and i think i am going to die. I also average about 30 panic attacks a DAY which can last 5 minutes or 5 hours, some days it doesn't stop all day. When i am having a 'panic attack' no for reason whatsoever, i hyperventilate, my throat completely closes and i really struggle to breathe, i foam out of my mouth and end up spitting everywhere, which i have no control over whatsoever. I writhe in agony with the chest pains and headaches and am unable to speak, i am crying to scream for help but nothing comes out of my mouth, no matter how hard i try. I violently shake, vomit everywhere and regularly i lose consciousness as it gets too much and my body physically 'shuts down'. I have been told by medical professionals that this is a natural defence mechanism.
There are many many many more struggles that i have to endure every single second, i have just barely scratched the surface. You must be reading this and thinking, 'why don't he go to the hospital and get some medication'? Believe me, i have tried. For a start, i have an extreme phobia of hospitals, like an extreme phobia and the doctors and nurses find it extremely difficult to deal with me. I have tried various different medications. Every single medication i have been prescribed has caused me to physically collapse shortly after very first use and has required me to need urgent medical attention. Every single one. A couple of years ago, i had a slight toothache so took a couple of standard Paracetomol. Within 5 minutes of taking them, i had a heart issue and paramedics were called and they were stood there in my room with a defibrillator, half expecting my heart to stop any second, that's how dangerously fast it was going. From Paracetomol! EVERY other medication i have been prescribed have pretty much ended the same way, with urgent medical attention being required. All Doctors have agreed that i am intolerant to medication and that it isn't the route to go.
I had a blood test last year that came back 'no further action needed' but i do not believe it. There must have been a mistake. All that i am being told is that it is 'all in my head' and is just a psychological problem. There is no way that 'anxiety' can possibly completely ruin someone's life like this and this physically. Especially as there is no trigger, there never is. I am ALWAYS very very ill, every second of every day, for no reason whatsoever. I don't have good days or bad days, it is just one massively long bad day that has so far lasted years and gradually got worse. It doesn't matter what my mentality is, i will be unbearably ill, regardless. I have been told to try 'think more positively'. Well that's easy to say isn't it? I tried my absolutely hardest to and guess what? Didn't make the tiniest bit of difference. I was then told that it was my 'subconscious' being negative. Well that's helpful aint it? I have desperately tried to cling on and hope for the best over the years but i cant anymore, its too much. Nobody understands and is even attempting to. I constantly get told to 'get a grip' and to 'get on top of it'. That makes me want to hurt them so much. There is nothing i can do to change my health, i have tried absolutely everything and i feel that everybody is making out like it is my fault. Do you really think i want to be like this?
There is so much that i still want to do with my life that i haven't managed to and i had ambition coming out of my ears but it has all been killed. My ambition these days would be to try and get to the toilet 10 feet away in time.Even if i had a billion pounds, i still would not be able to be well enough to do the simplest of things, there is nothing on this planet that could make me better. I have officially lost all hope and completely given up. Well done health, you have won. I don't want to die, far from it, i am terrified of death but it is only a matter of time when i am THIS ill. It is HELL. I cannot take being ignored and not taken seriously by everyone around me either. I have no quality or life and never will again. I am just laying here suffering and waiting to die. I don't have any friends anymore as they all stopped visiting me years ago. After all, what fun is it being friends with a guy who is just laying in bed in agony all day? Is it fun to sit on the end of his bed and just sit there bored and worried sick? I think not. They have all rightly abandoned me. Even doctors and other medical professionals and mental health teams have long given up on me. There is nothing that anybody can do to make me even the tiniest bit better so nobody can be bothered anymore and to be honest, i don't blame them.
Now, you are obviously on this website for a reason and firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this. It really does mean a lot to me and i sincerely hope you can take great comfort in my words. No matter how 'ill' you may think that you are, just remember, you could be me. So, your life isn't that bad is it really? You may have issues occasionally with going out or being in crowds or whatever your anxiety is, but hey! at least you are well enough to be in those situations in the first place. If you have been well enough to leave your bed even for a second in the last few years then i congratulate you. I apologise if i sound angry and bitter, but please try to understand my position, everything has been cruelly taken away from me and there is nothing i can do about it. At least you still have some quality of life. I would actually really love to hear from you, so please contact me on my Facebook page which you can find on my profile.
I would love to talk to other people who have health issues etc and hopefully we can find some comfort and support from one another.
The world is a beautiful place, make sure you enjoy it. Love one another and live with purpose and peace.
Dante x
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