yet another diary of meds ... escit

[CharleneMac]

hey all,
well here goes with day one of another ssri to see if they can help. ive tried a good few in the past ... fluox, cit, sert ... and none of them have worked.
well thats a bit unfair to say really because i didnt stick to them, i never stick to anything. one little side effect and im off them and making out like they where killing me purely so no one would force me to keep taking them.

Basically what led me to here was a mental breakdown nearly 4 months ago. i cant say im surprised about it happening and looking back i can see the slide i went on to get into it.
if u wanna read up on it then this is the link ...

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthr...173722&page=17

so basically ive had the escit sitting in the house for about 6 weeks and i was determined not to take them. its only a 5mg dose so i know its literally a baby dose but me being me i was trying to be the hero.
im going through CBT and have support workers 3 times a week right now so i had convinced myself that this was enough and i didnt need meds.
Another thing is i have a phobia of meds ... bigtime phobia. i dont take anything other than paracetamol and amoxicillin because ive taken them all my life and i know what they do, them and the odd buspirone for anxiety.
But i knew i needed something because if anything it was getting worse, id just gotten better at hiding it from everyone, id even managed to hide it from myself alot of the time too :(

i ended up with the anxiety taking over my whole body with shaking, facial twitches, spasms and jolts all over and i convinced myself i had a sinister illness.
i got out of breath when i was out working and yeh i had a serious illness, my womanly things got messed up and yep another serious illness.
i knew i couldnt go on like this anymore and my fiance and kids deserved better.
because ive got agoraphobia ive gotten to the point where im too scared to be on my own so my fiance hasnt left the house either in months. im too scared about the illnesses i falsly believed i had, the panic etc so i literally stay in my bed day in and day out. its very rare im anywhere but in my bed so he does all the housework, cooking, everything.

so the load of guilt with all of this heaped onto the anger i was having about the fact i was never getting better has led me to take the dreaded meds. i also think i was in denial for a very long time that i was actually ill ... well that was a big mistake on my part.

so here goes with the meds.
i took it roughly an hour ago and of course im convinced ive got every single one of those side effects in the 1 go.
the rational part of my brain is telling me its not even in my system but of course that wee black monster is in there telling me different and that i shouldnt be taking them !! eeeekkkk
i cant really report much other than im freaking out and my own mind is taking over .... not much in the way of actual side effects but il more than likely be reporting back a few times a day right now until i can establish what is what.

good luck to anyone else starting this journey too and remember to be proud of yourself because the road to getting here is a difficult one and between us we can do this !!!

charlene xx

[CharleneMac]

so its just after 7 so ive been on these meds roughly 7 hours now. i cant say there has been a great change in me side effects wise ... i think im sitting here waiting on something to happen so ive got more of a nervous tension than anything else. i said to my other half i dont feel quite with it either but he says he thinks i know the side effects so im making them happen anyways.
ive had the luxury of being able to stay in bed today and then go for a bath, i even managed to make dinner and not smash anything or drop it so thats always a good sign.
eating dinner was a different story. thats me only just deciding i wanted to eat so i had a plate of mac chesse and chips and now i feel pretty sicky !! i forgot the number 1 rule of eating small regular meals and lots of water !! epic fail on my part but il keep it in mind for tomorrow.
if i dont undate again tonight then it will be tomoz because right now there is very little to tell

[CharleneMac]

its just after 1am and i feel ok. ive not had many side effects but i have noticed that even when im lying not doing anything im very restless. i couldnt sit still and i kept getting butterflies in my tummy like im really excited about something but ive not had the nice feeling that goes with it.
also tonight im very windy :( my stomach is a little acidy but apart from that theres not much else to report. im having a total freak out at the though i wont be able to get to sleep on these but i need to remind myself i dont usually sleep till 3 or 4 in the morning anyways so i wont be tired just yet.
if im feeling ok tomorrow then im going to attempt even a little amount of housework so at least im not just lying here rotting away as it where x

[Phill2]

I was on it for 5 yrs
Started at 5mg then up to 10 and stayed there
Great stuff - no side effects except maybe a little spacey for a while

[CharleneMac]

hey Phil, thank you for posting it really gives me hope when i hear success stories

last night i struggled to sleep. i felt wide awake and one of my phobias is not getting enough sleep ( took my first ever panic attack when id had very little sleep ) so i started to freak out a little. eventually it dawned on me that my freaking out wouldnt be helping so i just lay in bed and did my belly brreathing till i fell asleep. it wasnt the greatest sleep but i never get a great sleep with the fibromyalgia anyways so its hard to know whats what sometimes.
the other thing is ive got a stye i think in my eye and my eye is twitching like hell. silly wee things like this trigger my anxiety and i believe its something sinister. now technically i know there is something wrong with my eye and it started a few days before i took the meds but of course im putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5 :(.
again i dont want to take the meds today .... but i will. i have decided il need to get through the weekend on them anyways before i can get anything to help with the not sleeping from my doc so i might as well stay on them for the mo and try and do more during the day to maybe tire myself out.
il up date in a while x

[Phill2]

hey Phil, thank you for posting it really gives me hope when i hear success stories

last night i struggled to sleep. i felt wide awake and one of my phobias is not getting enough sleep ( took my first ever panic attack when id had very little sleep ) so i started to freak out a little. eventually it dawned on me that my freaking out wouldnt be helping so i just lay in bed and did my belly brreathing till i fell asleep. it wasnt the greatest sleep but i never get a great sleep with the fibromyalgia anyways so its hard to know whats what sometimes.
the other thing is ive got a stye i think in my eye and my eye is twitching like hell. silly wee things like this trigger my anxiety and i believe its something sinister. now technically i know there is something wrong with my eye and it started a few days before i took the meds but of course im putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5 :(.
again i dont want to take the meds today .... but i will. i have decided il need to get through the weekend on them anyways before i can get anything to help with the not sleeping from my doc so i might as well stay on them for the mo and try and do more during the day to maybe tire myself out.
il up date in a while x

Belly breathing is the single best thing I found for anxiety.
The other is trying to keep the mind occupied with other things eg work , hobbies, crosswords etc.
Anxiety loves an idle mind to play tricks on.

[Avasmummy_x]

How are you doing Hun. You sound the same of me massive phobia of meds.
I've just been prescribed this too so keen to hear how your getting on x

[Phill2]

How are you doing Hun. You sound the same of me massive phobia of meds.
I've just been prescribed this too so keen to hear how your getting on x

I think the phobia of meds creates a lot of the "side effects".
You have to try and tell yourself that they are going to help you and not stress about it if you can.

[MavisReilly]

Just dropping in to wish you well. I kept a diary on here too, when I started on escitalopram, back in July. I am glad that I took the plunge, I found the forum here very useful, especially when I was starting off.

I wish you all the very best, on your journey.

[CharleneMac]

ive been on this just over 2 weeks and ive not noticed much of a difference tbh, if anything im worse because its made me flip my days into nights and im now sleeping all day. but its not like 1 long sleep its maybe 6 hours, awake for 2 then sleep for 1 then awake for 2 then sleep for 3. its totally dragging me down and sending my anxiety sky high. im about to post about this in a seperate thread because im seriously considering coming back off it if this cant be fixed ..... totally not worth it when im not feeling better within myself in the first place xx