feeling down and alone

[Carolin]

I am new to this site. I joined because I could really do with some support.

I have struggled with anxiety for years, but I now have the worst depression I have ever experienced. I am often suicidal, and struggle to deal with overwhelming feelings of guilt that I am not good enough, and am a bad Mum.

I have tried lots of meds over the years with little success. I am doing psychodynamic therapy , which is difficult as it means talking about my very difficult childhood.

I am not coping with thoughts of Christmas next week . I feel on the verge of tears most of the time , and know I will really struggle with trying to create a happy Christmas for my family. My son is autistic, and picks up on my mood instantly. This puts even more pressure on me, as I know if I am upset, he is too.

Its a battle in my head . I've been like this for so long, it feels like I don't have a future.

Sorry for the depressing post, but just needed to reach out.

[pulisa]

Carolin, I know how hard it is to struggle on when you have autistic children. Nobody can really appreciate the demands of coping with autism and when you're in the grips of depression and anxiety the situation becomes overwhelming. I doubt whether you have any support system in place and Christmas can be so challenging with all the change to routine, unexpected events etc. Do you have any supportive friends who you could talk to?

[Carolin]

Thank you for replying Pulisa.

Autism is very challenging , and you are right, people don't understand just how demanding and exhausting it can be. As you guessed, we have no support. Even the charity he attends for two hours each week is closing due to lack of funding. Those two hours were so precious as it gave me breathing space.

I have no one I can talk to about things. My husband works long hours, and I feel I can not burden him with the darkness I feel. He knows I am ill as it is impossible to hide the red eyes and anxious behaviour.

Thank you again for answering .... I know I am low when I need help from strangers

[MissyMischief]

Hi Carolin,

I understand the guilt and shame you feel about your depression and anxiety issues. I feel this way off and on, although right now I'm doing a little better than previous months.

From what you just said, it sounds to me like you are a wonderful mom. You care very much about your child and wanting to give him a happy holiday.

There are many different types of therapy. Maybe it's possible to start with a more general "talk therapy" to begin, instead of dipping into your difficult childhood right away. That way, maybe you could get some immediate professional support for your current situation. Just an idea, only you know what's best for yourself.

This forum has been such a comfort to me. The people on here are so nice and helpful, they've really helped me feel less alone during some bad rough patches I've dealt with over the past six months.

I know it feels like you can't even remember what it's like to be happy, but you can get back to that happy place. I think the key is just trying different things and making slow and steady changes until you hit on the right solutions that work for you. It's all about trial and error and of course patience.

Good luck and don't give up .

[Carolin]

Thank you Genoire.

Its good to hear positive advice. In my mind I think I have sunk so low there is no climbing back up. Hearing you say its possible to get back to that happy place is what I need to focus on. In fact I would settle for less than happy - just average would be fine !

I'm pleased you are in a better place now.I am not used to talking about my problems, so hearing that this forum has helped you gives me hope I can feel less alone too.

[pulisa]

I have 2 adult children on the autistic spectrum so I can appreciate how challenging and complex life is and also how hard it is when depression takes a grip. Christmas is always extremely stressful for us. If writing on the forum helps you then it doesn't matter that we are strangers. We can empathise and try to give you as much support as you want?

[Carolin]

Christmas is tough with autism . As you say Pulisa , routines go out of the window and people visit without warning etc. It sends my sons anxiety into overdrive as he has no control over his day.

It is support I desperately need as the feeling of being alone with all of this is probably my worst symptom. I have always just been able to get on with it, tough as it may have been. Now I just feel like I am crumbling.

[pulisa]

I would suggest that you visit your GP who will probably carry out a PHQ9 depression scale test on you just to assess your level of need. I think you desperately need support and now not in 6-8 weeks time or whatever the local waiting list is in your area. You are dealing with a hell of a lot-it takes its toll and we as carers are expected just to get on with it with no respite. Everyone has their tipping point-please talk to your GP?

[Carolin]

I am in the mental health system Pulisa. However, even though I have a CPN I still feel alone.

As with all NHS staff she is stretched, with many patients and not enough time to deal with their needs. When I have been very low I have reached out and said the necessary things, but not had the support needed. I often think my case could easily have been one of those " lessons will be learnt " quotes mental health services use when things have gone badly wrong.

As a carer I have responsibilities but I am often overwhelmed with it all. Like you say, everyone has their braking point, and I have been close to mine many times recently.

[pulisa]

Oh yes, I know what you mean. You read the stories in the papers and can really empathise with the desperation involved in these tragic accounts. I know myself that I am very isolated now after 30 odd years in the system of special needs. The provision is dire and inappropriate.

Personally I just don't allow myself to think about things too much. I'm sure that's wrong but it's my coping mechanism. I know everyone's meant to be happy and jolly at the moment but we have autism to contend with and all the obstacles that throws into the mix. This highlights all the difficulties and complexities and makes everything far worse.

Can you try speaking to your CPN again? I know it's hard when you feel you're not being taken seriously but you are in the mental health system and have been assessed as needing a CPN so he/she should be available and able to listen to you when you feel most vulnerable?