feeling down and alone

[Carolin]

I think that is a good strategy , not thinking about things. I wish I could switch off my mind. I am constantly trying to think ahead and avoid possible triggers for both me and my son.

You have far more experience than me. My son is twelve, but more like a five year old , so development delay in with the autism. There really is no support out there. You get the diagnosis and basically have to get on with it and cope.

The mental health service I use has a phone helpline which is supposed to provide help when needed. I have phoned several times needing help, only to be told the duty professional is busy and will call back. Waiting three hours for support when you are desperate is not good, but again it all comes down to funding I suppose.

[pulisa]

That's not good at all. We have a crisis line which is an absolute joke. I don't use it now as I know I would just get nowhere. I hope your son's school is supportive but I know that this is only a very small part of the whole autistic "package". Sometimes we carers just need people to understand and listen-unlike the professionals we can't down tools and go home at the end of the day.

[mezzaninedoor]

Switching our mind off when we have anxiety as part of our condition is really really hard. As I am navigating my condition I equate stuff I learn as a toolbox that Im popping tools into to help me with different aspects of my condition. Hypomania, Anxiety, Depression, Rumination, Catastrophy thinking etc etc.

Some things work some times, I find that they dont help all of the time but I have found that when I cant switch my mind off I can either try some Mindfulness and centre on the moment /or/ perhaps distract with something like a spoken word audio book or if I can motivate myself a hobby like creative writing/poetry.

Things dont always help but maybe there are things you can do to distract yourself, Im sorry if this isnt good advice, just thought I would share.

[Carolin]

Thank you for sharing you ways of coping. I am open to hearing all ways people cope. I think this is what I have been missing - getting advice from people who truly understand, because they have been there and live through it.

I look around and everyone seems to be happy and getting on with life effortlessly. Being on here reminds me I am not alone, and others go through similar, and more importantly, get through the bad times.

[pulisa]

Not everyone appearing to be happy actually is- a lot of people put a mask on to hide their insecurities and fears. The best thing about an online forum is that people can drop the mask and open up about their feelings without being judged.

[Carolin]

I've worn a mask for along time Pulisa .

Up until 3 months ago I think I did a pretty good job of hiding what was going on inside my head . I managed to go into work, put on the smile and do the small talk. It was almost like the pressure was building up inside me though,and eventually I could do it no more and had to admit defeat.

I think had I spoken out sooner, not been the perfectionist trying to do it all, and asked for time off and support, I would be in less of a mess now. The mask fell off leaving me feeling full of guilt and a complete failure for not being able to cope.

I know what wearing the mask feels like, and it is a very lonely place.

[mezzaninedoor]

We must remember that there are many folks walking in our shoes who never let the mask drop. Like ducks, serene on the surface but paddling away like mad under the surface.

The forum is a friendly / safe way to get advice.

[pulisa]

I agree. None of us know how others are suffering under the mask of apparent normality but it's safe to talk about our feelings on here where people genuinely understand and can empathise.

How are you today, Carolin?

[Carolin]

This morning I have been to my sons Christmas service in our local church.

I should have been looking forward to it, but for me it was my worst fears. Crowded place with no easy exit. I sat at the back, on the end seat, and got through it. My son had a beaming smile when he saw me, so I know it was worth it.

My reaction to such a simple thing makes me so upset with myself. I know I did it, but my mind was constantly wishing it was over. Not nice, especially as the children all have special needs, and face far bigger challenges than me.

So now my anxiety has gone down, but the feeling of hopelessness remains.

[pulisa]

Well done on going-you did it and your son was so pleased to have you there. My daughter would blank me at school because I was out of context and not meant to be there.

These occasions are hard. The urge to escape is huge but you got through it. It shouldn't be like this but it is. Please don't feel hopeless-you've achieved so much this morning and made your son happy