My name is Evan. I'm not sure how in depth these introductions get, but I like details, so here goes:
In hindsight, I've been battling with various aspects of my illness since I was a child. Recently, my symptoms became great enough to realize that what was going on is not a "personality flaw". I wasn't just an irrational *******, or just a lazy man with trust issues.
Turns out, I'm a man with anxiety, depression and obsessive thoughts. The possibility of substance abuse issues are there as well (alcohol).
I'm 27 now, but I can look back through out my life and see signs all the way to my childhood. The obsessive thoughts were present in the days of elementary school. I used to write poems, make gestures of my affection, send messages and get upset when this or that didn't work. My friends even used the word obsessed.
I used to avoid participating in group activities during holiday parties, or concerts. As I got older, my anxiety about embarrassing myself took the form of defiance. A couple of times I quit sports teams, emotional for no reason.
As an adult, I've had increasingly longer bouts of irritability. I lash out at loved ones. In relationships, I obsess over not being fooled, or making the perfect impression. After mistakes are made, I recount them. I have make believe conversations over and over. I run though scenario after scenario. Trust issues become an obsession. Or are my obsessive thoughts causing the trust issues? I have used the term "I know this isn't logical" too many times to count. I'm often times on edge for days, weeks at a time, set off by the smallest thing. And when it comes down to it, I would much rather sleep. All day. Every day. Even though I want success, I can't seem to find the motivation to get there.
I've let myself go, too. I used to take a lot of pride in my appearance. I was always dressed well, well groomed, in decent shape. Now, I'm often none of those. And I notice.
It's been difficult for me to get, and maintain jobs. It's been difficult for me to get, and maintain relationships. None of them have been healthy, and often due to issues I didn't understand.
But now, I start the journey of figuring out exactly how to handle this, to improve it. The results of friends are promising. So I'm hopeful for my future, but my present is this nagging cycle.
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