Big row - so upset

[debs71]

My parents, my sister and myself are at home together for New Year.

I hate NY and my family are aware already of that, and I tend to keep it low key and myself to myself and spend most of the time up in my bedroom.

Today had been a nice day, watching tv, chatting, etc. until I mentioned to my sister that I would watch the fireworks on tv upstairs, and then come down to wish all a Happy New Year.

She didn't like this. She said 'so in other words, after midnight?'

I said 'Well you know what I meant, just after the fireworks'.

She then blew up on me, saying that they all have to do what i want every year, because I don't like NY, and that I was selfish and that she was sick of 'Debbie's mental health problems' being 'kowtowed to' all of the time, and how they all have to walk on eggshells around me. She got near hysterical, got right in my face as if to hit me, and then stormed off to another room.'

I feel so upset, guilty about having mental problems - which do affect my mood at this time of year - and like I am a drain and an annoance for my whole family.

I am typing this sobbing to be honest. My sister is an overachiever, and we are poles apart. I have never shaped up to her, and she has never been a disappointment to anyone....and then there is me. I feel like a loser and a cause of grief for everyone.

What was a relatively good day for me - usually I cannot even get out of bed during NY because of my low mood, has turned awful.

[Elen]

Aww Debs, what a horrible nasty thing for your sister to say.

Chances are if she is an over achiever she is not satisfied with what you has managed to do so far either.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and personally I think that you are doing the right thing keeping out of the way.

Hope it all passes quickly for you

[debs71]

Thank you for replying, Elen.

I feel so guilty now. That I ruin things for everyone, but i cannot help the way I am.

I don't want anyone kowtowing to me, which i why I isolate myself.

Thank you again Elen.

[SADnomore]

I have been right where you are, Debs. What I thought though was, how can they possibly think that yelling at me is going to help at all! Especially if I am already in tears? Second, I wonder where is the compassion? And others told me that I was no more at fault than if I was under the weather for any other reason. Remember this! All you can do is your best. ... I have to say that your sister has issues of her own! Anger management clearly among them. I can't see that she was being made to "do" anything "your way"! It's not as if you were turning the lights off and telling her that she must go to her room too! She was way out of line, honey, just let it go. Dry your tears and find something to distract yourself now. It is after all, just one night. Tomorrow is really the "new year"!
Big hugs,
Marie

[Fishmanpa]

Another perspective is that it's their choice too. I mean, if you want to stay home and watch the ball drop etc... then cool. Why does that have to stop everyone else?

Sorry you had to take the brunt of your family's personal issues.

Positive thoughts

[debs71]

Thank you both, Marie and Fishmanpa. xx

My sister is a partner in an Accountants, Marie, and is a pretty hard boss. I just cannot cope with her need to bring it down on me.

Fishmanpa - I did mention that to her. I said that i don't try to change anything they want to do, so why can't she respect my needs too, but she sees my needs as selfish....that i 'put on' my mental health problems as and when.

I honestly don't.

[SADnomore]

Lots of people don't understand mental illness. It's not your job to teach her. You're doing what you need to do for yourself, and you have that right. It didn't interfere with her enjoyment of the night at all. Push it out of your mind, and look after yourself. Happy New Year, Debs!
Marie xx

[pulisa]

I'm sorry your sister has let you down so badly on a day which you find so painful. She is the one with the problem. The fact that she can't control your mood must be very frustrating as she is obviously used to controlling everyone in her "high powered" job.

You sound like a wonderfully caring and compassionate person, Debs. Your sister doesn't. I hope your parents were suitably disgusted with her?

Warmest wishes-let her stew in her own spiteful juice? xx

[debs71]

Thank you, Marie and Pulisa. If i didnt have you and this forum, I would be lost here.

Pulisa, my sister and I are utterly different. Even before I was diagnosed with mental health stuff, she was always the confident one, and I was shy and inhibited. We have always argued and don't get each other very well.

She has a way of dictating without knowing she is. I think you are right about her need for control as she is used to that, but i can't cope with that. Every time I am around her I feel a failure.

My parents agree with her I think, but don't show it to me. My Dad suffers mental health problems too, so he is a bit sympathetic, but I know I still disappoint both of them. My sister said I ruin every New Year.

Thank you all again so much. I couldn't cope without NMP.xx

[uru]

Wow...sounds like she doesn't really see mental illness as illness at all.