Some advice/guidance needed please.

[Goldenbuddha001]

Hi Terry thank you for your response. Your feedback is greatly appreciated at the moment.

The shopping trip went okay thanks, I got what I needed basically, I usually go back with my mum to my folks house but I didn't on this occasion because Wednesday night I must of had at best about five hours sleep so I was really tired which affected my energy levels and it wasn't due to avoidance. As previously mentioned I am always anxious at the build up prior to the day so the night before I felt pretty bad and have ever since really, been feeling quite down & depressed about the situation. With the many difficult themes that have played out of recent times this seems to be the hardest. I feel it's getting increasingly difficult to cope with.

It is likely that the anger and frustration I am experiencing is a reaction to the overall situation like you pointed out. It has felt like a struggle to sort of ascertain as to the origins of the emotions & the psychological questioning having me believe that I feel such overpowering uncertainty to the point where I am thinking the condition is manifesting into something more complex which is a common theme in OCD sufferers as you know. The fear of it escalating into something bigger and greater than I'll be able to continue coping with, Ie.) I will be so overcome with anger that I will act physically, the feeling of hatred will lead me to act upon negative urges.

Even having communication with her via text through the week is an unpleasant trigger.
When I did see her initially I felt irritable in her presence, that subsided slightly as we got on with what we had planned. What I am struggling with is the volume of thoughts/obsessional patterns whilst being alone though the week before & after I see her. As much as I love my independence I do live alone, & it can be incredibly hard at times but I do possess that determination to continue helping myself keep busy as much as possible. I recognise that my brain will keep producing the same thoughts but I just can't seem to get a handle on this particular harm obsession towards my Mother.

I see my Dad also a few times in the week & that has started to be a trigger/reminder of the situation to the point where I want to emotionally break down. I can talk to him quite easily but just as I feel drained & sick of my thought process I have become just as equally sick & tired of verbalising it all.


Since returning from being away over Christmas there is something within me that fears being back in hospital again which is probably understandable given the fact that it is currently the anniversary of me being in there a year ago.
I don't have many people to talk to about this, in the groups I am attending I find myself holding myself back slightly from talking about the specific details.


Love
Golden.

[Goldenbuddha001]

*Bump*

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Golden,

It's not surprising you had trouble sleeping, I've had loads of that myself with appointments and my GAD. Then you feel rough the next day and can't seem to shake off the physical feelings & brain fog until later in the day. It reduces your mental resilience too.

This theme is close to home with it being about a loved one. This can make them harder to deal with since the checking/touching forms tend to be more frustrating than anything but you know with forms like this anything bad is either an unknown fear or something unpleasant and it's seldom as scary as the Pure O side in terms of outcomes. One look at the HA board shows how terrified some people are about contracting HIV/AIDS or getting a serious illness.

Anxiety likes to probe for your weak spots and it likes to keep prodding at them until it finds one shocking enough to provoke the response it's looking for. So, sometimes people seem to move between themes and sometimes this happens where it hits on a very sensitive one.

Feeling irritable in the presence of a trigger is likely going to be the case for many of us. We are being forced into something we don't want to confront and anxiety can be a catalyst for other emotions like frustration, anger, hopelessness, mood change, etc. But you did see if subside though and that's important. Whilst panic just can't keep going, due to the spike of adrenaline, anxiety at higher levels can go much much longer as you probably have felt. For it to even reduce shows some evidence that it is possible.

If your parents are together then I guess it's an association thing, it's obvious your parents are going to connected in that way in your memory/subconscious. With this not being a main trigger you should have more scope to work on it if the anxiety is less. So, using the challenging self talk might help there as you are not spiked like you are when it is your mum.

Yes, the constant mind chatter can be a real problem at more heightened stages. I think this is a bit of a cycle to break free of and inserting things to try to keep you busy or focus on something else may help here. If you have a lot of alone time, your mind has too much time on it's hands so filling some of that time, even in blocks through the day, might help yo reduce this over time. It may take a while to achieve that, as it did with mine, and I think it's about relearning that you don't need it all the time, hence things like the blocks of time on something more productive to encourage your mind to spend less time in that autopilot mode of chatter.

Anniversary dates do cause this in other people on here. I had it just a little with mine but I had other things to worry about. Other people on here have talked about it. Some have also been in hospital and the anniversary has triggered some of those memories. The fact is though, what happened before does not mean it has to happen again and if you needed to be in there, wouldn't you already?

It's like with the anniversary of any major emotional event e.g. a death, a break up, etc depending on which one it is, and how hard it has been for you, it's natural to have rumination about such things. We just have to recognise & accept that and try to recognise when it's unhealthy. In some cases it's just a natural process i.e. grieving.

You are free to talk openly on here. With the groups I can understand it as I had some of that with the one I went to. The lack of anonymity introduces worries about whether it will be discussed outside the group and whether you could be identified. Again, this is a natural concern. I think part of this could be reduced by knowing the people in the group e.g. do they talk about embarrassing things or something they fear being judged about? And on top of this, why not speak to the group coordinator? See what they say since they will have knowledge of many individuals and groups. Perhaps they can even help you to open up about it?

[Goldenbuddha001]

Hi Terry, thanks again for your response. It's greatly appreciated. I am glad I've found this forum, to have the opportunity to open up has been a lifeline & also with the insight/advice you've given me it is greatly valued, once again I appreciate your feedback.

The self-help anxiety groups of which I attend weekly I have found with one or two I am happy to sometimes listen and observe, with others I feel comfortable in talking & divulging what's going on inside of me. So I guess having variation is good.

However, I did experience quite a few spikes of anxiety on Tuesday night whilst being at a particular group. I don't know if it's due to an element of paranoia on my part & the fact that I'm sensitive/feeling vulnerable at the moment, but I felt like I was being judged by two particular individuals which are quite dominant speakers within the group as it was my turn to talk due to the dynamics/rules we allow each individual in the group to speak out about how their week has been, I don't go into too much detail because I think that's what my long-term therapy will be for which I will start hopefully later this year.

But talking in the general sense about my OCD and the obsessions that are playing out the moment as you know which particularly focuses on my mum I just feel that I'm being judged due to the reactions of these particular two individuals. I just felt put off by their energy and I know the rational part of me says that if it is something within them I.e.) An issue with what I am speaking about then that's precisely what it is an issue within them and not necessarily a negative reflection of me.

I am aware that it is virtually impossible to click with every person in a group because life is not built that way, you are going to meet certain individuals that perhaps rub you up the wrong way, people's moods may be up & down, & you have to factor in there might be off days that's just the way it goes & that's just life.

I guess I am hugely wary still & feel like I can't get everything I need to off my chest.
Maybe that will come in time & my confidence will peak in speaking out in a group environment.
I feel I already contribute which is a huge step.
I guess I just felt with these particular energies in the room that day that they were going out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable, the groups themselves are not professionally run. They are facilitated by experienced volunteers, so it is all still relatively new.

I have just started over the past week to get back into mindful meditation after some time away. I have really struggled to concentrate and I haven't been able to apply my mind to it as much as I would've liked in the past year so I downloaded a few days ago an application called headspace onto my phone and it's a fantastic app. You get a 10 day trial to start with and then afterwards you can subscribe however way you wish, as there are options for monthly & annual subscriptions. Hopefully over time this will help me in being more in the present moment. So again that's another step in the right direction.



In regards to what you said about anniversary dates it makes sense, what you say again resonates. It is perfectly understandable given the time of year things are going be in the subconscious mind and play out through obsessions but I think with me feeling the way I'm feeling at the moment there is an element of desperation a strong fear that because of the intensity of how I feel that that's where I'm headed to very soon but, you're right, if I was meant to be there right now than it is likely where I would be.

The thoughts themselves as you know are distressing enough but the real problem I have is becoming more evidently clear is how I emotionally respond to them.

I feel like they're transcending into strong urges & seem to struggle in differentiating between a 'thought' & an 'urge' is it the same thing? Is it a spike in anxiety (Rush of adrenaline) tricking you to believe it an urge?? it is still something I struggle to get a complete understanding of & has never really been explained fully to me.

My mind will highlight to me for example when I am in a room with my Mum the fact that there is a knife in the drawer, my mind will try to act out the thought & will show me certain images on a loop. I can visualise myself acting out it out and I feel I have to keep doing the repetition of going over & over testing myself to see if I get the right reaction/how much it distresses me, I even find myself questioning whether or not it distresses me.

Sometimes there are conflicting reactions to the thoughts playing out in my head, 'you need to do it' 'you have to do it' 'being institutionalised would be the best thing, it's where you belong after committing the act' 'Your whole life has been leading up to this' I see my fathers reaction, I see blood & I I think of all the people I have ever known discovering my crime & their perception changing of me.

All of this worries me to the point where I just feel like I need to go hospital again which I know is not the place that will help me long term & will most likely increase & exacerbate my anxiety further, so I feel genuinely stuck depressed & spiritually void.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, that's a good app according to lots of people on here. There are some free ones too but I don't know how they compare, probably not as well. I've compiled a load of free meditations on the thread in my signature as it kept coming up a lot. Other than the odd paid app in there, they are all mp3 downloads and whilst some do overlap with each other it was to give some choice. There are tons on the Tara Brach site I added.

Some of the OCD Pure O themes are quite emotive and unless people understand them, you could get varying responses. Harm based is one as ignorant people may think you are a psycho or paranoid schizophrenic type (all the stereotypes perpetrated by the media, soaps and dramas) and imagine talking about POCD! Try explaining thoughts of that to people who don't know about it, their logical conclusion will be that the person is a paedophile. That's just because of lack of education, until I read about all these forms I had no idea myself. After spending time talking to people struggling with these thoughts I can see how afraid they are and how even approaching a doctor is a big problem as they fear how they will be judged so we can hardly expect better from the general public. It's been the same on here at times. The good thing about here though is that it's more diverse and someone acting with ignorance, which is rare, will get jumped on by concerned members.

The group I went to was a charity ran by ex & current sufferers. However, each meeting had two coordinators and they had all been sent on training for running the sessions. There is a NVQ for it. This won't mean training in mental health though so the same issues could apply. I guess asking to speak to them before or after the meeting, or contacting the charity direct, can help to understand their experience. They may need to know to deal with anything in the meeting but to be honest, unless we run education sessions, you will always get people who may form their own opinions.

It's different on here, a lot more is discussed and no one is really watching. The OCD rules are constantly broken and to be honest, I don't think they should even be valid anymore as they seem to reflect old opinions. I've not seen Admins question the detail so whether they consider those rules valid, I have no idea, so I would discuss what you want, they do on the HA board.

I think the most important thing is to concentrate on your own needs in the presence of those two. They are not running the sessions, they are equals. Also, we do tend to do a lot of mind reading which is only heightened by themes of our anxiety we feel embarrassed about. They may just be the way they are and that they are not really thinking about you. Their reactions may tell you on that front. But the sessions are not there for them, they are there for you all as equals and it's what the coordinators feel about the content that matters.

Another member on here has been in hospital (quite a few have) and he had a big wobbly over one of his main symptoms not long ago. He has been much better for some time and is moving on with his life. Reducing his meds caused the symptoms and what did he start worrying about? Whether he would end up back in hospital. But he didn't. And that's someone who has been stable for sometime. Much of our anxiety is connected to memories of things, often symptoms, so these things are bound to happen until we have moved beyond them. So, with you feeling you are having a hard time right now, that's understandable and we have to remember that we are allowed to feel like that but what is important is where we are now.

Yes, the reaction is always worse than the thoughts. The thoughts pop in, they may bring some symptoms with them, but the hours of worrying and all the additional rising panic is out of the reaction. This is why reducing that is so important. Whilst I have a way to go with this on my GAD, I have done a lot of that with my OCD and it does work but it's not quick. These days my intrusives flash though. I find when I have my blips they are stronger but I can handle them because I've learned too. You will get there too, just keep working on things and it will come.

I know what you mean about urges. The way I have come to understand mine is that they feel more like they want to achieve something like something has said ' you MUST'. They feel stronger in that aspect than a thought does as that leads to triggering a compulsion whereas the urges just seem to feel closer to that compulsion. For instance, when I was really bad I had tics. I didn't know what they were back then. I would do doing my compulsions with street lights (reading the labels, re-reading, doing it in multiples, etc) and I started bobbing my head. It was as if I was trying to make the information somehow go into my head. It was a tic. These felt like urges to me. They felt stronger. I still have choice involved but they seem to feel like they are literally pushing or pulling me whereas the thoughts don't have that power. I don't know whether this makes any sense because it's hard to explain.

My GAD has literally rooted me to the spot and that feels similar, like two forces are pulling & pushing me.

I think some of this is the journey of recovery as you learn to differentiate. I did this with my intrusive and conscious thoughts. I learnt how to actually feel the difference between the two. Again, this is hard to explain but I felt my intrusives come deeper like from the back of my head but the conscious thoughts felt more towards the front and felt less powerful, more dismissible & shallow. This just sort of hit me one day and it stuck with me. I think this was partly due to being free of the constant non stop nature of it all and how Mindfulness was helping me. (I had several breakthrough moment with this and once had a shift too)

---------- Post added at 10:08 ---------- Previous post was at 09:45 ----------

My mind will highlight to me for example when I am in a room with my Mum the fact that there is a knife in the drawer, my mind will try to act out the thought & will show me certain images on a loop. I can visualise myself acting out it out and I feel I have to keep doing the repetition of going over & over testing myself to see if I get the right reaction/how much it distresses me, I even find myself questioning whether or not it distresses me.

Sometimes there are conflicting reactions to the thoughts playing out in my head, 'you need to do it' 'you have to do it' 'being institutionalised would be the best thing, it's where you belong after committing the act' 'Your whole life has been leading up to this' I see my fathers reaction, I see blood & I I think of all the people I have ever known discovering my crime & their perception changing of me.

I wanted to separate this so it stands out a bit more.

Playing out a scenario is normal, before my anxiety I used to do that with tasks. In my work I would run meetings, workshops, give presentations, etc so it was just a useful way. Isn't it just visualisation? Something they say we should do to help us improve our performance? I know athletes do it. So, really isn't this just anxiety using a process that exists quite innocently to help us?

So, we need to accept that it can be used as a channel by anxiety too and not be afraid of it happening. Anxiety just likes to take it to the usual unhealthy levels of replaying it over & over rather than reaching a point where you find what you need and hold onto it.

What I have found can help with this is writing things down and taking outside of the mind and onto something I can see. I feel I have more control over what I have in my hand than over my subconscious. I can choose to throw it away for a start or file it. It also has a proper structure so there is no going off at a tangent. They use Thought Records in CBT for this to tackle intrusive thoughts, it might help. I never bothered with it initially but later on when I tried it, I did feel some benefit for it as otherwise my mind would just go back to the start again.

Your mind (subconscious) is using existing processes, it doesn't understand that it is wrong, it's irrelevant as all it seems is a scenario to work through. So, it needs to enact violence = lets look for a weapon. It needs to ensure success = play out the scenario to determine what may go wrong so it can try to improve on it.

Testing yourself for a reaction you will know is a compulsion and you will also know how that only reinforces the validity of the cycle. Cutting down on this with the intention of extinction is important, and a step towards backing out that obsession issue that is the real root.

Testing yourself for the right reaction is just another part of it. You know it is wrong and because of this you need to ensure you react with shock. But what if you don't? Are you really becoming that person? Nope. You are not. In fact, as you start to recover your reaction is going to change and at some point these thoughts wont shock you anyway because you are learning they are nothing. This isn't a bad thing but until you come through that, you may assume it is.

I think we have to remember that this process isn't all A-B and even being tired can change your reaction. I've seen people start off with the fear reaction to then find they don't care anymore, which scares them. When you dig into it, you find they were actually very tired or feeling depressed. Well, when you feel like that it is hard to care if the world is still here tomorrow let alone caring about these thoughts.

Then we have the issue of "liking" the thoughts. I had this and it was early on too. I think I might have explained this earlier in the thread though. Tell me if not and I will talk about it. Ever heard of the term "backdoor spike"?

Anxiety is always learning, it creates those new core beliefs and then it starts learning to create "associated cores" too. It can get messy and garbled. The problem is we tend to read about OCD as very A-B affair. If you look at OCD UK's description of OCD types (it's not comprehensive, there are more they haven't added) you will see how everything is listed in sections. So, people think that's how OCD works. It's far from that. They combine with each other. Many of mine did. I bet you understand this but my point is that so too do our reactions, it's not always going to be the same reaction or the same thought. Things change, things develop, but some people then see this as a new issue when really it probably isn't, it could be a variation on a theme or something very subtle like perfectionism can be.

So, testing yourself can mean you come unstuck. I've seen guys on here test their POCD to ensure they are still disgusted in themselves to find they aren't. Then that tells them they are turning into a paedophile. Science argues they are not. This is why OCD & education need to go together so you can navigate through it. You may need support, I think that's a given, but it gets easier the more you come through the other side and those helpers are no longer needed.

Again, conflicting thoughts are going to happen as the brain wants to look at options, it wants to perform it's risk management processes, etc. Remember, in Mindfulness they talk about how the "autopilot" works and DOING & BEING modes. That's just classic DOING mode, as is the process of walking through the act.

[Goldenbuddha001]

Thank you so much again, Terry. I needed some time to process what you put there & there is some amazing points of wisdom.



I genuinely sense that I'm becoming more mentally unstable.
Even though I appear to be doing all the vital things to keep myself occupied & focused. Engaging in all the correct support groups meeting likeminded people etc I still somehow feel that it is not enough despite the many positives. It's fairly apparent that I am going through a severe rut & I quite honestly haven't felt this bad since September. I know the path to self healing isn't an easy one & you have to allow for the many ups & downs but I didn't envison so many ruts to occur however physically healthy I feel through the lifestyle changes I have made. It's becoming all too much to cope with again & I am struggling to see a way out despite making it this far.

For the first time I am not on any medicine. I am still going strong with not self-medicating so I understand that things are still relatively in their infancy & it will take some time for my brain to heal. It's been three weeks since I have had any diazepam & that is probably responsible for how I currently feel.

I did have a support worker last year that was part of a care plan that my psychiatrist put in place since being discharged as an outpatient. To be absolutely honest she and the team at that place have let me down, they are hugely disorganised and unreliable. The support worker had a tendency of arriving ridiculously late without so much as an explanation & towards the end before I raised my concerns to a duty manager she began being a no show which is in effect absolutely disgusting behaviour towards someone that feels so vulnerable. Subsequently my concerns & complaint had not been dealt with professionally & I have basically been shunned & told to contact a place in regards to after care. Upon looking into this organisation it's clear they can't offer me the necessary mental support & mainly specialise in aspects of independence I.e. Asisting people with finances, mobility etc.

So I got a phone call last week to inform me that my care plan had ended & that I have been discharged from their care. I knew it couldn't run on indefinitely but I felt it would be conducive for it to continue until my proper treatment started. I am certainly not asking for daily & weekly checks, just some additional support in between my psychiatrist appointments which are now every eight weeks which is a long time to someone who is struggling to get through the days.


My psychiatrist has been mindful of what's been going on and the only has a degree of power and control, unfortunately he can't dictate to others as to how they do their job, the system in general as you know is absolutely appalling & the whole state of the mental health system is a national disgrace.

I know realistically that I am better off without them as they have never given me the proper consistent care & support that I've needed from day one. I think it felt like a bit of a safety net knowing it is linked to him, the staff have weekly meetings with him, so there was a level of communication. I also struggle to adjust to change.
Altogether the work that I've done, with all the various groups & self help courses I have attended have come from my willingness to get better, using my initiative to go out there and see what's available with the limited access to resources that are available, very little information was provided to me as whom you would expect to be in the know of what you are eligible to access.


Thus with the exception of my psychiatrist/GP and as well as my parents support to a degree I honestly don't know what I would of done.

It's dreadful to know that there are many vulnerable souls out there without any support who struggle to speak/articulate themselves dealing with people who are not competent at their jobs, I can't obviously generalise & judge them as a whole because some genuinely want to make a difference but I have witnessed many so called professionals which aren't trained/reviewed correctly in their line of work.

As previously mentioned I am currently awaiting for some further CBT which should commence next month. I have also attempted to apply for further courses as well but have been informed that I cannot have access to more than one means of service, that is their policy which I understand if there are many people waiting etc.

Hopefully after my CBT sessions I can enroll in other projects/workshops till my main treatment of DCT starts in approximately October/November time.

So it is the now that I'm struggling to grapple with. For the first time I do feel rather unwell & feel tremendously overwhelmed by everything all at once.

With the intrusive thoughts & urges that you have so wonderfully addressed in your previous post. Your analysis is spot on & makes sense to me.

"I still have choice involved but they seem to feel like they are literally pushing or pulling me whereas the thoughts don't have that power. I don't know whether this makes any sense because it's hard to explain. "


I am now seeing an increased magnification of every aspect of irritation & anxiety which can be probably rationally defined as being caused by the condition being quite bad at the moment. With every irritation there's an intrusive ridiculous over sensitive reaction.

I struggle to neutralise any irrational thought however outlandish it seems. Paranoia is as well on the rise making me question people's motives & actions however innocent they appear to be.

It's a double edged sword right now as I feel buggered on medication & buggered without.

I was looking through my journal of previous CBT sessions & it confirmed what you said about writing things down, I have also overlooked this, so maybe now would be a good time to get creative with externalising my thought process.

Your feedback about my approach to that one particular group makes sense too. I believe it's important to have a chat with one of the facilitators when I get an opportune moment. I am also looking to get back into some reiki treatment as I feel I would greatly benefit from this.

[Goldenbuddha001]

I had a moment of crisis yesterday & I had to ring the access & crisis team at the hospital. They scheduled an appointment to see a mental health worker for tomorrow. Everything has built up like I explained in my previous message & I feel I have reached rock bottom. I hope they can offer some support whilst I am waiting for further CBT.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Golden,

Do you think that you are spiralling because of the blow of losing the limited support you were at least getting? Like you say, you struggle with change and this can feel like a big one. I remember going through some of this and at first it can feel a bit scary because you feel like it's all back on you but I found this subsided in some time and then I started making more progress as my Mindfulness practice really started paying off.

I've also seen this happen to others on here. Kimberley has a long running thread on the GAD board about anxiety & eating disorders. She was discharged from her CMHT after about 12 sessions of CBT that her GP had been fighting to get her. She was in a pretty bad way before all this in my opinion with her ED and OCD issues. She had got a lot better but then this phone call came and had a major wobble. However, we tried to point out all the improvements she had made, what she had achieved and how far she had come & changed. After a little while she got her head around this and realised that it was a bit of a shock and that it didn't wipe out all the progress she made.

So, it does happen to people on varying stages of their recovery. It's bound to hit someone harder at an earlier stage but try to look at what you have achieved and what you are doing. Try to look towards your plans rather than that empty hole where the support was. Like you say, they were pretty poor anyway and they were really just a friendly ear because they weren't pushing you along anyway.

If you look at Carolin's long running support thread on the depression board you will see she is having these same issues with her CMHT. She calls them in a desperate state and they don't call back, they don't turn up and leave her all weekend without support, they don't give reasons or even bother making a courtesy call, etc. The NHS seems to have so many issues in mental health care.

In these black holes people find themselves in, peer support helps to bridge the gap. So, perhaps use places like this to help talk things through if it helps you? It's a bit quiet on the OCD board, always has been since I joined, but there are plenty of lovely people on here and maybe joining some of these support threads could help you? They get daily posts from multiple people.

I know you feel on your own right now but your CBT isn't far off and having that face-to-face therapy might help with this too. Whilst they may not provide another course (courses like CBT need a coach for them to be successful based on evidence accepted by the NHS/NICE) but they are not the only ones out there. There are free supported CBT online courses if you need them. I know of some. You could perhaps give those a try? There is one on here (but it's chargeable now) but there is one with a support group attached somewhere else I know of that is free.

It's good that you are referring back to your therapy notes, this is the right time to be doing that rather than just suffering things. Having the courage to try is a step further forward than being frozen by fear which I bet you know from before. You are not in that position so you must have strength inside you to even be doing that and reaching out too. You are clearly intelligent and articulate and do not come across to me as so many can be seen when panicked. So, perhaps you need to empower yourself a bit more to pull through? Some people are motivated by having a plan and doing things and it's clear you are trying a lot of things that would scare others or they would resist.

I don't know if you have come across them but Thought Records are useful at challenging thoughts. Also, I found learning how to spot & work on my Cognitive Distortions was invaluable. I don't know if you have covered that, I never did in CBT and came across it later at a charity running CBT based work groups. They opened my eyes to more things than the therapy did! There are some good psychology resources out there too, I often post links to one that has some good tools and workbooks.

[Goldenbuddha001]

Hi Terry, hope you're well. Thank you for your response once again.

I've needed a few days to have some time away to process things since my appointment at the hospital on Tuesday with the access & crisis team.
I saw a lovely mental health support worker, we sat down and produced a plan of action over the next week which basically consists of waiting to hear feedback/advice via my psychiatrist for a recommend drug, a referral to an additional support group & to continue attending the usual self help groups.

I am going to see her again next Wednesday. Which in a way I am dreading as for the first time in a long time my thoughts took on the theme of a stranger & latched onto her. I found myself having graphic intrusive thoughts & urges to lash out at her part way through the appointment which I have felt guilty & upset about ever since. Here is a woman who seemed genuinely concerned & supportive & there's me experiencing intrusive thoughts about her. Trying to tell myself that it's anxiety only provided a certain level of relief before I am back feeling consumed by it all again.

The thoughts are literally latching onto everything & anything at the moment & going to ten to the dozen every waking hour. Even when I am reading, online with social media, I see pictures & the thoughts are invading my mind continuously.


My concentration levels are just so poor at the moment & I feel like my head is about to explode. I feel so consumed & can't seem to get any solace from my thoughts. I have had terrible insomnia through the week also. I really don't know if I am going through some sort of rebound effect from not taking any diazepam. It's only been a few weeks since my last dose.


I attended one of my usual groups today after not attending them in the week.
I just I don't know if it's because of what I'm going through at the moment that's trying to deter me away from doing things, or if it is perhaps the groups that's contributing to how I am feeling as well. What I do know is that this current lapse started to build up just before Christmas and has got progressively worse since stopping the diazepam without a doubt. Initially with these support groups I felt a brief benefit factor from attending. It's over the past fortnight that I have felt unable to apply myself & feel bogged down with it all.

I don't know if that's because I am sick of reiterating the same things, hearing others experiences might be affecting me. It's difficult to ascertain as to what is contributing towards my current lapse.
I recognise how far I have come on this journey but I feel any minute that due to the magnitude of what I am experiencing that I am starting to lose it.

I am trying to hang onto to the fact as you know that my CBT will start very soon & trying to ride this out as much as I possibly can.

I am usually such an optimistic focused person but even trying to think positively is a struggle.
I feel I am going backwards again.

You mentioned accessing some online CBT courses, which would you recommend?

Best wishes,

Golden.

[Goldenbuddha001]

*Update*

I was admitted this evening by my psychiatrist & am now under a crisis watch/stay for a few days with the objective of getting my anxiety down. I see my psychiatrist on Friday to discuss a plan of action upon discharge & possible medication.

It feels completely surreal that I am in this position again. It all got too much. I was also told that the CBT I was meant to be starting this month is not going ahead till God knows when which is unfair as I was on the top of that waiting list. I was given false hope.

---------- Post added at 23:14 ---------- Previous post was at 23:06 ----------

I am struggling to see a way forward in all honesty. I have tried most meds. I am considering giving St John's Wort a go but need the advice of my psychiatrist first. Any feedback would be appreciated.