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Thread: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

  1. #1
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    Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    I have a daughter who I love to bits, but virtually since I developed health anxiety (almost 3 years now) I've felt completely overwhelmed by her. I feel severe guilt as she is only 8 and needs her Mams support and love but I just can't give it. I feel like an emotionless person (although I know I'm not as I feel depressed and immense guilt) and am not sure how things will ever improve. It feels as though she is my step daughter who I cannot become attached to. I feel awful. I feel like crying whenever I am with her. She isn't naughty, but is very stroppy. Won't eat healthy meals so I have to cook separate food for us, moans about everything. Lies about cleaning her teeth, lies about eating her school lunches (we had a text from the school to confirm this). She won't tidy up, leaves rubbish all over and quite frankly I find myself wishing I could leave on many occasions. I am with her Dad and we all live together within this household. Her Dad is also a very messy person. I'm ashamed of the state of my house. Can't have friends over or anything. Every little thing they do annoys me to the point where I can physically feel the anger. I also believe I have misophonia and meals times are a nightmare as I hate the sound of people crunching/chewing. I also hate the sound of heavy breathing which my partner does every second of every day. I must sound like a horrible person, this all happened a few months before I had my first few panic attacks which resulted in health anxiety. I'm not able to work so am a financial burden on my partner. I'm also home alone a lot and stew over things. My family are unsupportive so I need to rely on strangers (counsellor or various therapists) for support which just doesn't feel good as I need to trust them first and by then my sessions are almost ending. I just want my daughter to be happy. I was brought up in a household where my parents were arguing constantly, but my memories are always of them laughing, smiling and being typical parents, not of the arguments. I don't want my daughters memories to be of me always shouting and occasionally crying (I don't cry half as much as I once did as I feel I am becoming blunt, probably due to lack of empathy from those around me, I'm terrified the same thing will happen to my daughter).
    I took antidepressants for almost 6 years and feel they have been detrimental to my mental health. I will never touch them again. I have had counselling, CBT twice and am now awaiting CAT therapy. I feel like a complete failure.
    We also have 3 cats who I am left to look after, which frustrates me as I never wanted pets, but strangely enough I am fantastic with them. I feel joy from them and get pleasure from watching them play, wish I could feel the same way towards my daughter. She deserves so much better.

  2. #2
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Hi kee kee- it's good that you 've poured this all out sort of therapy in itself. You love your girl of course but this doesn't make them any less irritating especially when you battle with anxiety. I have two boys 14 and 10 who bicker most of the time. It makes dealing with my own anxiety harder because I 'll make a conscious effort to keep calm and they will wind me up. A councillor told me I was resentful towards them which upset me. it's hard bringing up kids even without anxiety and although we love them they can push us to the limit. you said you don't work but could you find something just for you ? A low cost gym or a outlet your interested in that's not about kids/ family . Don't worry too much about it affecting your daughter as children have a knack of sorting things through in their own mind. You feel unsupported which isn't helping. My hubby is good with me but he doesn't really understand.
    Hope this reply makes you feel a bit better x

  3. #3
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    KeeKee,

    My heart just ached when I read your post. In many ways this is similar to what happened in my life with my ex wife 17 years ago. Her depression started after the birth of our daughter (we had a son prior). It got worse and worse, eventually manifesting itself into hoarding. It's painful to even recollect how it was. For six years I did whatever I could to help but there really was nothing I could do. She had to want to get help and short of physically dragging her to therapy, it just wasn't happening.

    Eventually we did go to therapy and after a couple of sessions, the therapist wanted to see us separately. I continued to go and she stopped after two of sessions. Sadly, I knew then it was over. By giving up on herself, she was giving up on us.

    For six years she lived in a state similar to what you describe and I lived in it with her. It's a very helpless and heartbreaking feeling to lose someone you love in this manner. Many of the feelings you expressed she expressed as well in the couples sessions. Shortly after the depression hit, she withdrew from me and we eventually became co-inhabitants of the same home. There was no intimacy for years and we often slept in different rooms. I worked a full time job and then came home and took care of the kids and house the best I could. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. I can only imagine the pain she was dealing with.

    I left and while the kids stayed with her, I was very present in their lives. My son has done great. My daughter suffered from this and deals with anxiety and depression. I've made sure she's gotten the help she needs and I'm there for her whenever she needs me. Her Mom finally sought help and has been doing much better the last few years.

    Keep at it. Don't give up! Fight for your life! Continue to go to therapy. You can get things back on track. I feel the desire in your words.

    Positive thoughts
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  4. #4
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Thank you both so much for replying. I've just spent a very long time replying to your posts only to accidentally press previous thread and lose it all! (I'm on my mobile phone it's so frustrating).

    Hyg, it's definitely hard to look after children when you feel awful. Especially as tempers can wear thin after the same thing repeating itself. I would love to do something for myself but feel so self conscious I simply couldn't go to a gym. I can't even exercise in front of my child, I'll not even run for a bus it makes me feel so embarrassed I'd rather wait for the next one. I do meet a relative for a cuppa once or twice a week which is nice to get out the house. I also worry I resent my daughter, I don't know why she is the target of my resentment though when it's my partner I feel isn't there for me. When I had our daughter he walked out on me every single time we had an argument (I lived with my parents until she was 8 months old) and up until about 3.5 years ago he always threatened to leave me every time we had an argument and now I'm very insecure and scared he will leave me all the time. Thanks so much for replying.

    Fishmanpa, that sounds like an awful situation to have been in. You sound as though you were as helpful as anyone could have wished for towards your ex. Its such a shame you ended up separating, that is a large fear of mine. My partner and I are rarely intimate ourselves too and don't share a room as he snores very loudly. I'm so scared he will leave me. I just don't understand why he can't help me more, even if just with our daughter. He has never in his life bathed her for me, won't offer to rake out her uniform or make her tea when I'm feeling very down. He does take her to school every morning as I struggle with mornings but I still need to ensure we are all up and she has her uniform on, hair sorted etc. He tries to be supportive at times, not once has he criticised me for the way I feel towards our daughter. I just wish he'd help more, he's too busy with his computer games though. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I lack motivation to do proper housework but can do things like dishes, clothes washing, cooking, feeding the cats but when my partner is leaving rubbish all over, even under the chairs and his clothes are strewn all over the bedroom floor I just feel defeated. My daughter is becoming the same way too when she takes toys, her school bag, clothes, books etc back into her room she just throws them on the floor. She has no respect for her belongings. My family tell me I should just tidy up after them, but I honestly can't be bothered anymore. I do what I have to do and nothing more.
    Feeling this way enhances my health anxiety even more too as I don't want their last memories of me to be me being horrible, miserable, etc. I want to be able to have happy times, but even going shopping is stressful as my partner takes hours, we have to go up every single aisle and like today, when he's on his phone he just stands about which means my daughter and I also have to stand about waiting for him. I love my partner to bits, on rare occasions he makes me feel so safe and secure, but it's such an effort for him. Thanks again for replyinh and sorry for rambling on
    I better not press the wrong button this time!

  5. #5
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    KeeKee,

    The difference I see from what I went through is that you sincerely want to get well. If that had been the case with my ex and we had sought help together earlier, perhaps the outcome would have been different.

    Maybe that's something you can suggest to your partner. I did all those things and more because my ex was incapable many times. Supporting you means taking on everyday household and parenting responsibilities.

    Positive thoughts
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  6. #6
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Hi,
    I'm so sorry you feel this way, my heart ached too when I read your post cos it's clear to see you want to be s good mam to your daughter, but have just lost your way a little bit did to depression. I am sorry I can't really offer any good advice, but pouring your heart out to your GP will surely get you some therapy? And I agree about the "me time"; I enjoy playing on my Xbox as a way to unwind as well as martial arts. X

  7. #7
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Thank you both for replying. I really do want to get better, not just for my daughter and partner but also for myself. I want to be who I used to be, which although not perfect, was the kind of person who could just get on with things. I've been depressed for 8 years now but up until I developed health anxiety it was manageable. Now it's not and it enhances my HA, and my HA enhances my depression. I cannot win. I'm currently awaiting CAT therapy which seems quite promising and I've already expressed how I feel in regards to CBT and been told CAT is similar, but not the same if that makes sense. I've been told it addressed both past and present whereas with CBT I was always told it's 'in the now'.

    Today I feel like walking out again (I won't ever walk out on my family, but boy do I feel like it). All I want is a tidy house with our possessions being respected. I'm sick of tripping over things that others have left lying. I'm sick of discovering rubbish in various parts of the room such as in the grooves of the settee, down the side of the settee, or just on the floor in general. I'm sick of having to live like this, everytime we tidy our daughters room, the next day the whole floor is covered in mess. I just can't take another day of this, I'm at absolute breaking point. I just can't understand why my partner won't help with parenting or the housework, it's at the point now where every little thing is annoying me even when my partner or daughter say daft things like 'off' instead of 'of', it actually makes me so angry. Nobody cares about how I feel at all, I feel bitter and resentful and I know it's not healthy. I just can't stand this anymore, everyday is the same, even little things like shifting a cup is too much for my partner. If I have to wash his crusty dishes one more time I might just end up throwing them away because I feel so disrespected and worthless every second of every day. I'm very tired all the time which is really getting me down and adding to my already short temper. I just can't imagine going through the rest of my life with no emotional support whatsoever. I spend a lot of time 'daydreaming' about having an easier life. I know everybody has problems, I know there are a lot of people who would kill to have my life, but I can't stand feeling worthless anymore. I hate leaving the house as I just feel so ugly and miserable, but I can't stay in the house all day as I end up eating everything in sight and feeling really sleepy.
    For the first time ever, I really don't want to attend therapy. I will, as I've always swore I will try everything once, but I'm not feeling it at all. If it wasn't for my partner I think I would be in serious trouble and yet he is pushing my buttons on a daily basis. Right now he is talking to a friend on the microphone (PS4) , all I want is peace and quiet as I'm ready to doze off soon. I wish I could afford to stay in a hotel for a few nights.

  8. #8
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Feel horrendous this morning. I'm due today so wondering if it could be that but I'm trying to talk to me partner about how I feel and it's as though he is completely ignoring me. When not at work my partner spends all his spare time slouching on the settee yet this morning he's pottering about the house, he's barely even spoken to me. This happens everytime I get really down verging on tears. He wasn't always like this so I don't believe it's due to him not being able to show emotion as somebody has once suggested to me. I struggle to believe he even wants to be with me, he can't help me with anything, moans when I ask him to come to GP appointments (as I get severely nervous, I'd never want anyone in the room with me), yet when he goes to his GP I have to come in the room with him and say what his issue is, he winds me up constantly like purposefully pumping in my direction, I feel like he hates me and I just feel so low in myself. If the person who knows me more than anybody else, whom I've been with nearly every single day for 10 years can't even stand to be around me, then what chance do I have if we separate. Or even meeting new friends. This is why I'm terrified of working because nobody will like me. I don't drink which already gets me some strange looks from people, I don't like anything that other people like, I'm a compete reject. I hate myself so much, I hate my personality and I hate my appearance even more. Usually, when at my best it's because my partner has been nice to me, we've had a few good days, but then if I dare become agitated (he is such a wind up!) or depressed his mood shifts towards me and I feel severely depressed. The best thing in my life at the moment is my cats. I feel awful saying it and no doubt when I'm not in such a whole I'll regret this thread, but I can't even think straight I feel so depressed. I Just can't stand it anymore, my partner is currently blasting a song he knows I absolutely hate, it really depresses me as it reminds me of a time in my life when I wasn't depressed. I would never ever purposefully do anything that could hurt my partner or decrease his mood. Never. I feel like throwing his speaker off the wall the song repulses me so much.

    ---------- Post added at 12:29 ---------- Previous post was at 12:25 ----------

    I can't even ask him to turn it down as I could play music he doesn't like at a loud volume and it won't bother him one bit so I'd be a hypocrite to mention it. Music to me is a big part of life and it can completely change my mood so I do like listening to it when I'm getting ready or tidying up so I can't complain at him for this but the music he has on right now is severely depressing (to me, it's 00's dance music which I hate, although at one point in my life I never). He knows how I feel about it though, it brings back memories that I do not want to think about.

  9. #9
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Hi kee kee. how are you at the moment ? You sound very agitated by your situation.and frustrated. Do you have anyone you could talk to ? What about going out for a walk on Your own in the morning so at least your getting out of your environment Try and stay strong

  10. #10
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    Re: Any depressed parents Really struggling with their children?

    Thanks for replying hyg, I don't have anybody I can talk to half the thing I've posted on this thread alone I wouldn't dare mention to my family or friends as they would be disgusted. I can't even tell my daughter off for being rude as I'm 'bullying' her (bearing in mind when we were young we got smacked for being naughty yet I tell my daughter not to be rude and I'm the one out of line!), so I wouldn't tell my family anything other than the basics such as I'm depressed, have health anxiety and struggle a bit with my daughter (when in fact it's a lot). I can normally have a good moan to my partner as although half the time he never listens, I don't feel judged by him, but in this instance he is part of why I feel so low right now. I don't really like going for walks alone especially not where I live there is nowhere to walk to and nothing nice to see.
    Hopefully today will be a better day. I turned yesterday and I'm sure I always feel hideous when I'm due but I still feel like I desperately need emotional support (from my partner, my family have never been close anyway and stress the life out of me as they are so argumentative) to ne able to get better.

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