I have a daughter who I love to bits, but virtually since I developed health anxiety (almost 3 years now) I've felt completely overwhelmed by her. I feel severe guilt as she is only 8 and needs her Mams support and love but I just can't give it. I feel like an emotionless person (although I know I'm not as I feel depressed and immense guilt) and am not sure how things will ever improve. It feels as though she is my step daughter who I cannot become attached to. I feel awful. I feel like crying whenever I am with her. She isn't naughty, but is very stroppy. Won't eat healthy meals so I have to cook separate food for us, moans about everything. Lies about cleaning her teeth, lies about eating her school lunches (we had a text from the school to confirm this). She won't tidy up, leaves rubbish all over and quite frankly I find myself wishing I could leave on many occasions. I am with her Dad and we all live together within this household. Her Dad is also a very messy person. I'm ashamed of the state of my house. Can't have friends over or anything. Every little thing they do annoys me to the point where I can physically feel the anger. I also believe I have misophonia and meals times are a nightmare as I hate the sound of people crunching/chewing. I also hate the sound of heavy breathing which my partner does every second of every day. I must sound like a horrible person, this all happened a few months before I had my first few panic attacks which resulted in health anxiety. I'm not able to work so am a financial burden on my partner. I'm also home alone a lot and stew over things. My family are unsupportive so I need to rely on strangers (counsellor or various therapists) for support which just doesn't feel good as I need to trust them first and by then my sessions are almost ending. I just want my daughter to be happy. I was brought up in a household where my parents were arguing constantly, but my memories are always of them laughing, smiling and being typical parents, not of the arguments. I don't want my daughters memories to be of me always shouting and occasionally crying (I don't cry half as much as I once did as I feel I am becoming blunt, probably due to lack of empathy from those around me, I'm terrified the same thing will happen to my daughter).
I took antidepressants for almost 6 years and feel they have been detrimental to my mental health. I will never touch them again. I have had counselling, CBT twice and am now awaiting CAT therapy. I feel like a complete failure.
We also have 3 cats who I am left to look after, which frustrates me as I never wanted pets, but strangely enough I am fantastic with them. I feel joy from them and get pleasure from watching them play, wish I could feel the same way towards my daughter. She deserves so much better.