judgmental people

[Carey]

I have severe agoraphobia .. I've suffered all my life with it and I don't leave the house now. I don't have much confidence, so I find it difficult to post things on here. . But I just wondered how other agoraphobics cope with people who cruelly judge them . I just had a conversation with a 'friend' who I thought at least understood. . I'm only in my 40s but I'm very much on my own with having to cope with agoraphobia. . This person said some really hurtful remarks that really cut deep. I won't say them here because I don't want to upset anyone else in the same situation. . It really upset me and it's made me feel more alone than ever

[sandie]

People say things which hurt because they have no REAL understanding of another's situation.

When I first became ill last September, my best and closest friend (we were at school together and have known each other for over 50 years), said some things which really caused me issues. When I sat with her and explained that some of her comments made me feel as though "I had no right to be ill", and this made me feel guilty, which then lowered my self-esteem and added to my problems, she then finally grasped some how bad things were; the irony of this is that her daughter, whom she loves dearly and is very close to, is bi-polar and has been hospitalised and on meds for many years !

Sometimes people just don't think, or can't see below the surface of their comments. Sometimes they feel as though they are walking on eggshells and sometimes whatever they say will be wrong because of how we interpret their remarks.

I always find kind honesty the best policy. When my friend told me about two friends in her partner's circle who were terminally ill, I told her that I didn't need to hear yet more depressing news; to this she replied that she was just trying to make me see that there were others out there worse off than me. It was only when I pointed out that this made me feel I had no right to be ill and made me feel worse, that she understood. I also said to her that my illness made me very sensitive to comments and that she needed to be a bit more patient with me.

Sometimes people just don't think, but once something has been said it cannot be retracted.

I am a lot more understanding about mental health issues now that I have experienced problems - one of which was/is a small degree of agoraphobia. I am now older too (62), and life's lessons keep coming.

Don't be too hurt - she doesn't understand and sadly it is you she is learning from and she is making mistakes along the way.

You are most certainly not alone on NMP - support is just a click away and there are a lot of us here who are happy to share experiences.

[Carey]

Thank you so much for your reply Sandie. . I was at school with this friend of mine too. . She's known me longer than anyone. I've explained to her as much as possible about agoraphobia, and she knows my circumstances with being in a controlling marriage. She's been in the very same situation with regards to that, but she's much tougher than I am .. she doesn't understand that other people are sensitive and can get hurt. . You were so right to be honest with your friend. . Sometimes people do hear and understand. .
I must admit it devastated me today, she suggested I was better off to not be around anymore. . It really knocked what little self worth I have. . Thanks so much for your message. . It does help to not feel alone. .

[Ditapage]

I understand Carey. I'm surrounded by people who don't get it either. If I hear "get over it" and "mind over matter" one more time....

Because as if we wouldn't just do that if we could! People make me so angry.

I even have Christian friends who say I shouldn't be agoraphobic if I believe in God because I should trust him- so I feel guilty about that too!

I deal with it by letting people go. If they can't accept my problem, I don't need them. Infact it's less stressful to have no plans than to have to explain to people why I can't go to a restaurant or a busy mall in the middle of the day. What more can we do? Some people are just added pressure and stress and we don't need that when we're trying to get well.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I always find kind honesty the best policy. When my friend told me about two friends in her partner's circle who were terminally ill, I told her that I didn't need to hear yet more depressing news; to this she replied that she was just trying to make me see that there were others out there worse off than me. It was only when I pointed out that this made me feel I had no right to be ill and made me feel worse, that she understood. I also said to her that my illness made me very sensitive to comments and that she needed to be a bit more patient with me.

Grr, that's one of my pet hates!

Empathising has no connection to what you are ill with. It's not a matter of guilt tripping people into being ashamed of feeling ill. If you had a cold and were wittering on about feeling at deaths door then I can understand it, it's just a cold, not a mental health issue that can be debilitating. It's just stigma, isn't it?

The way I tackle people if they say things like that to me is remind them that we live in a world with far more tragic issues than someone who has lived a good life in a first world country who then tragically is struck down with a terminal illness. There are many people in this world who live awful lives every day and many who never make it past babies, they never have a chance.

When it comes to "X is worse of than you" you can always look to developing nations, and war zones, to point out that we are damn well lucky to even get to age X! I'm only reminded of this more from some of the people I have spoken to on this very website who have been through more than I ever will just because of where they were born.

---------- Post added at 05:15 ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 ----------

I even have Christian friends who say I shouldn't be agoraphobic if I believe in God because I should trust him- so I feel guilty about that too!

That's like saying you shouldn't have cancer because you believe in God. If they were unfortunate enough to be in that situation would they not approach a doctor hoping God will cure them? If not, that would make them hypocrites.

Mental heath stigma again really.

Please don't feel guilty, why would God want you to feel guilty because you don't feel strong enough to do things? God would surely want you not to give up and be a good loving person? You can still be that regardless of any anxiety disorder, the strength can come in time.

---------- Post added at 05:28 ---------- Previous post was at 05:15 ----------

I must admit it devastated me today, she suggested I was better off to not be around anymore. . It really knocked what little self worth I have.

That's an awful thing to say to anyone. Heat of the moment, maybe? Maybe she meant that you are wasting your life and you won't have lived at all when you look back? But as an agoraphobic, or anyone with mental health struggles, these are all thoughts you've probably had about yourself a long time ago (I know I did) and they serve no purpose other than to hurt you because you know what you are missing and don't want to live like this.

I don't think this issue is quite like trying to get people to understand your anxiety, I think this is more about respect within a friendship and as such it needs raising. The friend needs to remember that friendship is not about bashing the other person and there are some boundaries that need to be followed. You should not be expected to feel hurt by comments like this or be put down due to having mental health issues.

I hope your friend listens to you and even moreso I hope she has already been thinking about her hurtful comments and knows she has acted badly. If not, that's more a personality issue and lack of decency.

[GingerFish]

When I was severely agoraphobic when I was housebound from panic attacks a few years ago when I was 21/22, I got comments like that too and I noticed the most judgmental comments came from those closest to me. My gran had been housebound and was agoraphobic for 2 years when she was in her late 50s when she was going through the menopause and when it happened to me I got told "you are just being dramatic, you're too young for this, snap out of it" and things like that and then my stepdad who at that point had never had a panic attack was like "oh I have this medical condition and that medical condition and you don't see me sitting in moping about, get a ******* grip" and things like that. He quickly changed his tune after he started to get panic attacks after his strokes. It hurt when strangers were nicer than my family when it came to this subject. This was a few years ago and they have improved but I'll never forget what they were like at the start.

[Carey]

I understand Carey. I'm surrounded by people who don't get it either. If I hear "get over it" and "mind over matter" one more time....

Because as if we wouldn't just do that if we could! People make me so angry.

I even have Christian friends who say I shouldn't be agoraphobic if I believe in God because I should trust him- so I feel guilty about that too!

I deal with it by letting people go. If they can't accept my problem, I don't need them. Infact it's less stressful to have no plans than to have to explain to people why I can't go to a restaurant or a busy mall in the middle of the day. What more can we do? Some people are just added pressure and stress and we don't need that when we're trying to get well.

Thank you so much for your reply and being so supportive. . it makes me so angry too .. I'm a Christian, but not many people I know are. . It's my faith in God that's helped me this far. ..
You're so right about letting people go. . That's what I'm having to do now. . Even ikmf it means basically being alone. .

---------- Post added at 14:55 ---------- Previous post was at 14:44 ----------

Grr, that's one of my pet hates!

Empathising has no connection to what you are ill with. It's not a matter of guilt tripping people into being ashamed of feeling ill. If you had a cold and were wittering on about feeling at deaths door then I can understand it, it's just a cold, not a mental health issue that can be debilitating. It's just stigma, isn't it?

The way I tackle people if they say things like that to me is remind them that we live in a world with far more tragic issues than someone who has lived a good life in a first world country who then tragically is struck down with a terminal illness. There are many people in this world who live awful lives every day and many who never make it past babies, they never have a chance.

When it comes to "X is worse of than you" you can always look to developing nations, and war zones, to point out that we are damn well lucky to even get to age X! I'm only reminded of this more from some of the people I have spoken to on this very website who have been through more than I ever will just because of where they were born.

---------- Post added at 05:15 ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 ----------


That's like saying you shouldn't have cancer because you believe in God. If they were unfortunate enough to be in that situation would they not approach a doctor hoping God will cure them? If not, that would make them hypocrites.

Mental heath stigma again really.

Please don't feel guilty, why would God want you to feel guilty because you don't feel strong enough to do things? God would surely want you not to give up and be a good loving person? You can still be that regardless of any anxiety disorder, the strength can come in time.

---------- Post added at 05:28 ---------- Previous post was at 05:15 ----------



That's an awful thing to say to anyone. Heat of the moment, maybe? Maybe she meant that you are wasting your life and you won't have lived at all when you look back? But as an agoraphobic, or anyone with mental health struggles, these are all thoughts you've probably had about yourself a long time ago (I know I did) and they serve no purpose other than to hurt you because you know what you are missing and don't want to live like this.

I don't think this issue is quite like trying to get people to understand your anxiety, I think this is more about respect within a friendship and as such it needs raising. The friend needs to remember that friendship is not about bashing the other person and there are some boundaries that need to be followed. You should not be expected to feel hurt by comments like this or be put down due to having mental health issues.

I hope your friend listens to you and even moreso I hope she has already been thinking about her hurtful comments and knows she has acted badly. If not, that's more a personality issue and lack of decency.

I've had to let go of my friend, because there's no changing her mind on the issue and I can't deal with the hurt that her words cause or about the way she thinks of me and people like me. .. being agoraphobic certainly doesn't make me a bad person or a lazy one like she was implying. . If only people would stop to think about what would make someone agoraphobic in the first place. . It's usually a tragedy or something very traumatic. .. thank you for your reply .. it's really appreciated. .

---------- Post added at 15:04 ---------- Previous post was at 14:55 ----------

When I was severely agoraphobic when I was housebound from panic attacks a few years ago when I was 21/22, I got comments like that too and I noticed the most judgmental comments came from those closest to me. My gran had been housebound and was agoraphobic for 2 years when she was in her late 50s when she was going through the menopause and when it happened to me I got told "you are just being dramatic, you're too young for this, snap out of it" and things like that and then my stepdad who at that point had never had a panic attack was like "oh I have this medical condition and that medical condition and you don't see me sitting in moping about, get a ******* grip" and things like that. He quickly changed his tune after he started to get panic attacks after his strokes. It hurt when strangers were nicer than my family when it came to this subject. This was a few years ago and they have improved but I'll never forget what they were like at the start.

I never think there's an age limit for agoraphobia. . I had an awful childhood and I spent most of my life in my room out of sight. . I felt safe in my room and it became my sanctuary, and I'm sure it's what made me agoraphobic. .
I hate when people say get a grip or pull yourself together. . They really do only understand if and when it happens to them .. it shouldn't be like that though.. I'm so glad that things have improved for you now

[KeeKee]

I know exactly how you feel in regards to feeling judged.
I acknowledge people may not understand us, but that gives them no excuse to criticise.
Being constantly criticised is bound to have an effect on someones self esteem and to be honest it makes me feel really angry. I would never ever belittle somebody's worries and I feel like criticism is what has caused me to feel inferior in life. I hate when people ask me why I'm not working! I can't say I suffer with depression/anxiety as they pull their face so I now just say I'm looking for part time work.
I feel so bitter that I don't have anyone in my life who compliments or praises me or even sits and listens to what I have to say.

[Carey]

I know exactly how you feel in regards to feeling judged.
I acknowledge people may not understand us, but that gives them no excuse to criticise.
Being constantly criticised is bound to have an effect on someones self esteem and to be honest it makes me feel really angry. I would never ever belittle somebody's worries and I feel like criticism is what has caused me to feel inferior in life. I hate when people ask me why I'm not working! I can't say I suffer with depression/anxiety as they pull their face so I now just say I'm looking for part time work.
I feel so bitter that I don't have anyone in my life who compliments or praises me or even sits and listens to what I have to say.

I'm the same as you KeeKee. . I'd never judge or criticise someone or make them feel bad about themselves. . No one should ever have the right to do that to someone else. . I had that all through my life too and it just brings you down and leaves you with no self worth at all . I used to work years ago, but every day I struggled with being with other people. . It was a constant battle to cope every day, and no one ever knew. . They would never have understood. . Now I've not worked for so long, so many years, and I've had to put up with all the snide comments and judgements of being lazy and not good enough. it's just made me shut off from people even more though. Depression and anxiety are can be so hard to deal with alone, and being agoraphobic means it's virtually impossible to get to see a doctor. I haven't seen a doctor for many years now. .
The whole labelling thing from other people who haven't got a clue makes me very angry too .. it's just making me shut down from everyone. .
It's such an isolated life and a very lonely sad one when no one understands. . It's vital I think to find others who are living the same way and who do understand. .

[MyNameIsTerry]

Issues like work have been a problem for me as well. I just tell people I'm self employed though. The career I have lost allowed for self employment so I can easily blag about that.

It just avoids the uncomfortable conversation with someone you probably won't meet again anyway. It just felt the easiest way when someone asks what you are up to. Besides, it's not like they are truly asking about your wellbeing, it's just something you say when you run into someone.

It's a depressing thing though. My generation was certainly brought to believe in always being in either education or work unless you had a child to look after. Outside of that being unemployed had a stigma to it. It seems less so now as many people seem to think it's a good thing to be unemployed! But that doesn't change my mind-set as I was brought up another way, which I'm guessing isn't how they were brought up to have those views.

Carey, no one should say things like this to you. I had hoped it could be resolved but you know what you need and what you don't in your life. You are not useless, lazy or pointless because you have a mental health condition. That's just stigma. Look how people used to say this to people with CFS/ME but hopefully now things have changed for them.

I have asthma, had it since childhood. Back when I was 10 the attitude to asthma was very poor. It has completely changed now. So, I hope mental health goes the same way but it's going to be a longer journey.