I wanted to share with you and also to remind myself how far i have come over the last year. I write this post to show people the difference time makes to how you feel and how you can overcome the worst days.
December 2014..........
I have always been one to worry however i was not prepared for what was about to hit me like a tone of bricks. it started suddenly i would notice that i was hot and sweating I tried to put it down to flu like symptoms, my heath anxiety took over and i started to google night sweats etc being a gay man i was very concerned that this was a symptom of HIV.
This quickly totally consumed me and i was sure that i had contracted HIV, looking back this was a silly thing to tell myself as i had not been in a position where this would be possible but hey i was having night sweats i must have it!!!!
I booked myself an appointment at the local sexual health clinic and was relived i only had to wait till the next day to be seen. i asked for a rapid test to be done and a full blood test just incase one was wrong. The rapid test was clear however i had to wait two weeks for the results of the blood test. The nurse also recommended i have a Hep c injection this set alarm bells ringing as she left the rom to ask the nurse i had seen some years before why she had not given it to me the last time i visited.... This was when when it all started...... Within minutes i was consumed by a wave of anxiety i had to wait two weeks for blood tests and now I have hep c........ On come the sweats and i could not get out of that place quick enough.
By the time i was home i had developed a pain in my liver area (funny that) the only thing i knew about hep c was that it was a liver condition... I was sitting on google for hours a day diagnosing myself as fast i would read about a symptom i would have it !!
Day to day life was becoming an issue i could not concentrate and was always tired the smallest feeling in my body i had to have a full examination. i found myself going to the bathroom to check for lumps, bumps, rashes you name it i was checking.
Work was impossible and i was convinced that everyone could see my panic and would be able to tell i was not in control of what was happening to me.....
I phoned my boss and did not return to work for 8 weeks!!!
During the eight weeks i was unable to work i visited the doctors surgery 18 times and was convinced and i mean totally convinced that i was dyeing! My symptoms changed drastically and looking back reflected what i was reading on google!
The changing part for me was when i saw a different doctor who could clearly see what was happening to me. i told him i was getting 1-2 hours sleep a night and that previous medication diazepam - Sertaline were not working!
This doctor prescribed my Olazapine. He told me to be prepared for when i read the information leaflet (its was that obvious to him that i would) not to be concerned what this drug was mainly used to treat! He assured me that in low dosses it was good for treating anxiety!
I took one 5mg tablet and slept like a baby...... i went back to the doctors the next day at his request and we decided on a plan going forward!
I was given 8 session of CBT which at the time was painful however worked for me in the long term. I was stable on 100mg sertaline 2mg olanzapine before bed. The diazepam had stopped working for me at 10mg so i stopped using this.
Overtime i could feel myself getting back to the old me.... I would still have thoughts of what if and panic over nothing however i could feel myself thinking more clearly the main thing was that i wanted to go back to work as this would prove to me that i was feeling better and at last i was in control!
My first attempt at going back to work was not successful and i had to take more time off sick.. I was not ready for people and being in charge of my team. i couldn't even control my own thoughts completely.
I attended a meditation class once a week and started to practise mindfulness. i would recommend this to anyone of you suffering with anxiety.
I have now been medication free and back at work for a year and doing really well. yes i still have moments and yes i still worry but just like any another person. I use the skills i gained form CBT and i continue to practise the mindfulness.
I struggle to put pen to paper incase you hadn't noticed lol however felt i needed to try to help you guys who may need some light at the end of the tunnel! most people will use this site in a time of need I'm not sure how many use it when feeling better.
i really hope that this may help or encourage at least one person to keep going. It really can get better
If you want to talk or need any advise feel free to send me a message....
Arran
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