Why make such a big mistake???

[sal]

Long story but will make it short and have kept this to myself for so long.

Met a guy over three years ago and believe it or not didnt know he was married but in time found out. Wrong i know but been week and vunerable didnt walk away but he also knew how i was and maybe took advantage of that.

We were together for two and a half years and he to me was my soul mate. His wife found out just before Christmas which i know was harsh for her and the guilt that i felt affected me as although i did wrong did affect me. So when she found out it ended, i picked up the pieces and tried to move on. Wasnt easy seeing him at work and even now still hurts.

I needed answers to questions that only he could give me but pride wouldnt let me ask him. Basically i was a fool but he promised me the earth and i believed him. So that happened last November and since then he has tried to be my friend. Fine if we had talked it through and he had answered my questions but i couldnt accept that without an expanation. He supported me through my illness and to suddenly lose that was a bigger hurt.

Have been want to ask him for ages how he felt and why after been together for nearly 3 years how he could walk away and made what we had seem such a farce. So for some reason it all came out tonight, he said something as i had worked late and i just asked him why we had never talked about what had happened. He asked about Sam and was shocked how my life had changed,

He said that we had never had the opportunity to talk but after nearly a year thats a lame excuse.

I know the questions i have for him wont make me feel any better but they need to be asked.

He also said that he has felt like me for the last year and wanted to talk but didnt dare call me.

May sound stupid and i am opening myself up to hurt again but i do need to talk and i need answers.

I know what i did was wrong and people on here will judge me but i never chose the fall in love with him.

Will talk to him but cant imagaine how i will cope hearing his response.

Been honest still love him to bits but know i had to move on and did. But tonight after a late escort that i took out he was in office and he stroked back of my head as mates do for getting him out of **** as he is in charges of the prison.

Before you all judge me, wouldnt go back and realise the mistake i made. Couldnt stop my feelings and even now i cant.



Love Sal xxxxx

[pips]

Hi Sal Mate,

Firstly thats a tough post so well done.

Secondly I would not judge you as sometimes things happen to us in life and we loose all control of our feelings and all the aspects of whats right and wrong just go out the window and even though you know its wrong at the time it feels so right (if that makes sense). You can't always help who you fall in love with as you say!

Of course you are bound to want questions answered hon that is only natural. It just eats away at you and you just keep questioning why! I believe in fate and what will be will be.

I appreciate how hard it must be for you seeing him all the time as well. It makes it even more dificult for you to move on.

Hope the talk with him answers your questions hon. If his responce is negative then perhaps hes not the person you thought he was. I know how hard it is but ask yourself the question are you prepared for getting hurt all over? Just thinking of you mate and don't want you to get hurt again.

Take care and remember I'm always here if you need me mate!

Love PIP'S XX XX XX XX

[Karen]

Hi Sal

That was a really brave post and I know how difficult that must have been for you.

I certainly wouldn't judge you and I think you know that. A situation like that could happen to anyone. You didn't know he was married when it started and by the time you found out you were already in too deep. I can understand how that could happen. You can't help who you fall in love with and I know only too well how difficult it can be to control emotions.

I can see how talking with him could open you up to getting hurt again but if you need to ask the questions before you can move on, then maybe you do need to talk to him. Seeing him every day must be so difficult and maybe that is another reason why you feel unable to move on until you have some answers. What would I know though? I've never had a relationship. I just feel in your situation I would probably want some answers too - some kind of closure.

I'm here for you if you need me. Take care and be careful, I don't want to see you getting hurt.

Love
Briary xx

[ItWillPass]

Hi Sal-
You are for sure not to blame in this situation. You are right... you can not pick whom you fall in love with... So what is the deal with his wife? If he was with you for 3 yrs, I cant believe he really loves her all that much... Does he have any plans for a divorce? You just need to be careful, and take care of yourself. If you do end up back with him, you have to feel you can trust him... Considering he cheated on his wife- that may be hard to do. But again... let me stress... you did nothing wrong in this situation. You should not feel guilty... and you do deserve answers... but as far as being with him... I think you deserve better.

Heidi xxx

[minny]

Hi Sal!

Im new here and if one thing stands out within this group it is the strength you all show.

I have a friend who found herself in the exact same situation as you are in at the moment. Like you she had questions that needed to be answered before she felt she could accept the situation. In order to accept something you have to be able to understand it. Its true we cant choose who we fall in love with. Love has a mind of its own. My friend also learned that there are some things in life that you never get over. Instead you learn to live with them and they get easier and easier to live with as time goes on. We learn from our experiences and its this that makes us stronger. Its also important that we regret as little as possible. Regret can have a huge negative effect. Acceptance is more positive.

I found your post very touching and I wish you the best of luck!

Minny... x

[Laurie28]

Hiya Sal,

I'm not going to judge you. It is a crappy situation.

I will say though that u admitted that him answering your questions wont make you feel better . Maybe it's best to let it lie eh. You didn't know he was married before but you do now, his actions last night showed that he probably is wanting more from you.
You will only get hurt Sal - he obviously thinks that enough time has passed for his wife to 'forget' and might be willing to 'risk' his marriage again

You deserve better - pls don't go there

Love
Lucky

[seh1980]

hi Sal,

I can completely understand your situation - you are right, we don't choose who we fall in love with - it just happens!!

It must be very difficult having to see him on a regular basis and feeling that you still have unanswered questions and not knowing exactly where you stand.

It's very hard to know what to advise you to do in a situation like this. I do honestly think that the best thing you can do is what you have been doing, which is trying to put it behind you. The fact that he didn't tell you in the first plca that he was married and therefore led you on was VERY wrong of him!! I don't know him and I'm sure he is lovely as you have fallen in love with him, but I do honestly think that the fact that he didn't tell you says a lot about him. He hurt you, which is something that you don't need, especially when suffering from panic attacks and anxiety and looking after Sam.

You know where I am if you need to chat, ok?

Sarah

[nomorepanic]

Hey Sal

No-one will judge you mate. A lot of people stay married but have affairs nowadays so it is not that uncommon and these things happend don't they?

Do you want to get back with him or are you just looking for answers to all those questions you never got to ask?

Can you arrange to meet up and discuss it properly rather than at work.

Only then will you be able to shut the lid on it (if that is what you want to do) or decide whether you have a future.

Good luck

Nicola

[sal]

Hi

Thank you all for your replies.

I can say i dont want to go back with him but if the circumstances were different i would but i would not put myself in the same position as before.

I appreciate saying it is in the past, but he was a good friend to and helped me so much through my worst times of this illness.

There are questions that i need to ask him, not just about what happened but so we can move on, be friends again and work ok together.

Since we split we have spoken about general things but that took a while at first it was hello etc.

But more recently we have started joking on with each other again but we both know when to draw the line. If we sort out and put it all behind us then we can go back to been friends and when having a joke we dont have to draw the line as we understand what has happened and wont be offended.

But at the moment i feel either of us could take it the wrong way. I have been wanting to say something to him for ages but last night, when he said he was going back to his office, i jokingly said yes go away you know i dont like you. I did this on purpose as wanted to broach the subject on that kind of note. His response was exactly as i expected and he said i dont blame you for not liking me at all.

Which led me to tell him that i thought after we had been together so long the least we could have done was talked about it and remained friends, which we always said we would. I know people say that but on this occasion with Graham i really meant it.

Anyhow he said we have obviously been feeling the same thing without each other realising it as he has on many occasions wanted to talk but hasnt had the chance at work and was to scared to call me incase i told him where to go!!!!! Like i would LOL

I also told him that because we hadnt talked it make me feel like the whole relationship had been lies and a total farce, he wasnt too impressed with that and promised me that was never the case and everything he said he meant.

You might think i am been soft and gullable, but you do know when you know someone and i need the opportunity to put it behind me and know that we can be friends and still support each other.



Love Sal xxxxx

[seh1980]

hello again Sal,

I can totally understand why you feel the need to get some answers out of him. It sounds like perhaps once you have done that, you can put the past behind you and the two of you can start a proper friendship.

It would be silly to disregard what you once had just because you haven't got around to talking. I hope the two of you can work something out!!

Sarah