Finding the balance

[skylight2007]

Hiya everyone, I am new here but it seem like a good place to share my thoughts as well as read what others have said here.

I suffer from OCD, mostly I am counter, counting the knobs on my cooker is my biggest conquest. I understand that my Ocd and other anxiety issues are driven by stress!!! I dont take any meds but what I do know is that my ocd is related to issues in my past and lots of other stressful situations that have build up over the years. I cannot put one finger on one specific issue as my ocd and aniexty is combination of a lack of control. I have always felt underneath my strong face and personality a person whos self image is one of being loved and accepted and hiding my true feelings so others could not see what I was really underneath.
The issue of feeling safe is how my checking first began many years ago, first it was the bedroom door, then windows, then taps and other things, now many years on its the cooker who is like my controler!!!
Finding the balance to cope with the walking away and count less techinque, only proved to me that how controlled my feelings really are, as the anxiety at first began to get worse, why?
Because not having the right balance of positive verses negative thoughts, there was nothing to replace the habit of checking with, sooooooooooooooooooo, for me to understand myself and my thoughts, I knew I had to rebuild the way I was thinking as well as feeling. I learned that simply reducing the counting, didnt make a difference, until the belief had changed tooooooooo, so what of the belief, my checking meant several things to me, from not feeling safe, not having my feelings recognised as a child, having my feelings dimissed, never been praised, and always feeling as if I was responsible for the many bad things that happened to me during my childhood, never been told I was good enough, and hence, always doubting whatever I did was never ever good enough.... equate to this the checking of my cooker, is it safe, is it off, how can be sure, just one more time , just to be sure, and one more and one more and so on I guess developing ocd could have been my way of trying to express those underlying supressed insecure feelings by this ocd. I also know that during the younger years, things with me just had to be perfect!!!!! any one recognise this in themselves?
Oh yes being a perfectionist told me that I had too high an expectation on myself and also on others, nothing anyone ever did for me was really good enough, a belief from my parents, things had to be done a certain way!!! the message I gave to my child was she was not good enough, her thoughts didnt mean much and I dimissed her feelings, I was treated this way as a child, so the reflection thing began to make sense as I swang between the past and the present, but the one thing I didnt know how to do was to appear to others a vulnerable, oh no know one could see how insecure I was ever making a mistake, I wasnt taught it was ok to make them!!! and it was wrong to show my feelings of weakness, well today I know different.
So the process of healing ocd and any other anxiety that I have is a long one and a deep one, I had to learn to replace the checking, whilst reducing the counting with so mething positive, something that would make me feel better, by doing this I began to write, email folks on the net, visit friends, make more contact with others and take an interest in outdoor activities, all these things gave me a sense of confidence, developed my social skills as I has lost those, learnt how to cope with stress and didnt take anything as a personal attack on myself as I use too.
My mind had something else to concentrate on and the checking did become less.
The point of me sharing this is just to let you guys know, that I am still recovering, but have learnt to feel good about myself and accept my feelings. I still get days when the counting is kinda of bad, but I tell myself I am getting better and I dont put any pressure on myself to do well, but just to make the effort and continue to do positive things in my life.
I have lived with ocd for years now, and behind my ocd is whole range of emotions that I have had to deal with, and where I would hide myself to others, its not so bad, sharing my deepest thoughts with others as I feared, in fact it has been my strength.

Love Skylight

[Piglet]

Smashing post skylight and certainly struck a chord with me, as it will with many others I'm sure!!

A big welcome to the site

Piglet

[skylight2007]

Thank you so much piglet, much appreciated, just love this place!!!
love skylight

[Karen]

Thanks for such a helpful post Skylight.

One of the issues I am dealing with in therapy at the moment is OCD and although my manifestations are different, I identified with much of what you've written.

I am glad you are well on your road to recovery.

Karen

[skylight2007]

Thank you very much Karen for your reply, I never forget many years ago, when those whom I knew use to say to me, I was a closed book!! I never had the confidence to believe that anyone would actually want to know how I felt and thats the truth. But it took years Karen to believe that I was just as important as others, I just had to learn that but in doing so, it meant learning to be open and honest about myself. Exploring feelings at first was very very scarey for me as I had never ever done it back in the days, and to let someone in, just for a glimps well I thought and felt soooooooooooo vulnerable, the questions I asked myself were endless, being a thinker I couldnt help but think the worse, I certainly put my values about myself on the way others perceived me, but not anymore!!!! Finding our inner voice is a gift in itself, and being heard is even a bigger gift!!!
I hope during your therapy, you will continue to listen to your inner voice, because once you hear your own thoughts you will hear your own feelings and make sense of your own world, which is important to you and those around you. All of our feelings count , lots of encouragement along your journey, I know you will do well and gain more positivity along the way.

Love skylight

[heths]

Hi Skylight,

I agree with Karen and Piglet, it's a great post.

I'm amazed at how similar you are to me. I am currently having therapy which started off been for my agoraphobia mainly and it's led on to OCD. I knew I had OCD, I've had it since been a child, but I didn't know just how much it was affecting my life.

So much of what you've said is similar to me. It's only in the last couple of years I've learned to be more open and that it is ok to tell people how you really feel. There's a few things I do with mine, but 2 of the main things are checking and counting and with me too it's a safety thing.

It's inspiring to me and i'm sure to others, how you're dealing with your OCD.

[skylight2007]

Hiya Heather, thanks for replying,

I hope your therapy goes well for you, for some of us our ocd does begin in childhood, I know how mine started, but what was interesting to me Heather, is the impact ocd had on my life, remember I wrote about the belief behind my ocd, it made so much sense to me, being brought up in a very controlling environment, very controlled, where my feelings just didnt mean anything, so I spent my whole life trying to prove to my parents that I was worthwhile, the whole thing about approvable for me, is that I learnt as I got older, I didnt need my parents approval of me anymore to make me feel valuable. I needed that approval as a child, yes I craved for it, I was tooo pleasing, too much of a good girl, and my role being the only sister, was to comfort emotionally my brothers and listen to the family problems. I wonder how many of us have played these very roles in being the sensible one, the one who knows how to solve problems, the one that everyone comes to , when their in trouble, the one who everyone relies on to give good advice.
As a child this was my role, it was my way of seeking approval from my family, and in my adult life I was the same. But it was only when I had my daughter did the ocd, panic attacks came back with a vengence.
So when I mentioned I had to change the belief, the internal messages , only then could I understand what my checking was all about, and my related anxieities of panic. you See Heather in my self development I learned that my cooker represented someone and set of beliefs in my life!! unresolved issues from my past still affecting in my present, only because of the belief behind it. This was a real turning point for me as my picture become so much clearer as my understanding of ocd was directly related to issues of control and feeling safe.
I am glad to hear Heather that your becoming more and more open about the way you feel. Is it ok for us to be who we are? yes it is but it takes alot of inner trusting and acceptance to be this way, and hope you continue to believe it really is ok to say how you feel and to learn to feel safe with who you are. sincere wishes in your healing Heather.

Love skylight