Hello!
Im new to this forum, and although it's sad to see how many of us suffer from this horrible disorder, it always warms my heart to know I'm not alone.
I thought I'd share my rocd story, partly as it feels theraputic to look at my ocd pattern objectively but also for anyone out there that might stumble upon this and relates to it.
My ROCD Story
Potential initial symptoms of OCD as a Child
I think I've always had OCD. Looking back now, with all I'm starting to understand about myself and my mind, I think I might have experienced it when I was as young as 9-10 years old. Remembering one of my first boyfriends, how interested I was in him before we got together, I thought he was gorgeous, sweet, sensitive and kind. I would daydream of being with him, kissing him. But then, once we actually got together, one day I visualised a thought of him kissing me and it grosed me out. My sweet nice thoughts about him turned dark. I remember I once saw him cry and I thought he was the biggest loser/sissy ever. I went from being super infatuated to somehow being appaled by everything about him. Emotionally it feels like going from being a nice sweet girl to suddenly turning dark, evil and malicious. However, the thoughts and feeling felt very legit at the time being, as it always does. That kind of black or white/ hot or cold - perception and feeling has stuck with me in relationships my through out my entire life.
The first boyfriend
I had my first serious boyfriend at around 16-17. I've always been quite boy crazy in the sense that I've always liked liking boys, having tiny crushes here and there, but rarely felt the need to really act on it. However when I was 16 I started liking a boy in my class in particular. I was probably the instigator, flirting and giving compliments. I found him attractive, smart and funny. We would chat a lot (on MSN back in the day), and later we initiated a long distance relationship since he moved to London for a year. Our relationship would eventually last 6,5 years.
Contradicting emotions and perceptions.
Early into the dating phase I had very contradicting feelings about him. One day I would adoore him and see a beautiful future together, feeling absolute bliss and joy. The next day I'd have these thoughts that he was such a geek, a wimp, that he's embarassing, that other people dont like him , that we were such a mismatch etc. I was always questioning his personality, looking for flaws and getting stuck on them.
Visually I remember how I could some times look at him, and almost see him transform right infront of my eyes, as a case of BDD, but it was he who was being distorted. His head would seem so unproportionally big, his eyes would look dark and dull, the way he walked, the way he pronounciated words, his manerisms, everything was youst freaking and creeping me out. I could even feel grosed to the point where I would shiver in cold sweat if he tried to touch me. I was so lost in my thoughts and it turn my world upside down every single time. I couldn't trust my perception or my thoughts, it was constantly changing. On a good day he was the sweetest, most beautiful guy in the world.
The constant "what ifs". Comparing my feelings for him to others. Chasing the "right" feeling.
My biggest ROCD focus has always been comparing my BF to others. Comparing my feelings toward him to how I feel with/for other guys.
I would question how other people perceived him. For some reason other peoples opinion of him was a big factor for my perception of him. Maybe he was actually a loser and I was just ignoring it(?). If I liked him enough? When I was away from him, did I miss him enough? Think of him enough? Did I find him attractive enough? Funny enough? Was i happy enough with him? Could I be happier with someone else? Where we right for each other? Would I care If I never saw him again?
The worst spikes came from meeting other people, male friends (or just any random male). I would wonder If I as attracted to them? If i was having too much fun with them? MORE fun with them? If we were actully much better suited for eachother? No matter who they were, how long I've known them, their looks or age etc. Being around guys with girlfriends always felt safer, they didnt feel as big of a "risk".
In my relationship I had this constant feeling of "something's just not feeling right". And a need to solve it. I was constantly chasing that feeling of love, happiness, and the feeling of "everything feeling right". Some sort of stable ground to stand on, without all of the horrible doubt.
Developing social anxiety
Being out with friends and going to parties made me spike more than I could handle, so i started isolating myself. Meeting people brought up too many questions and anxiety. If I didn't see other boys I wouldn't need to question my feelings, I wouldn't have to deal with any anxiety. Isolating myself lead to social anxiety. I would feel stressed, anxious, panic-y and dizzy just leaving the house, being outside amongst people. Parties where a no no, I would panic. I would have these super depressing and anxious outer body experiences, I didnt feel present and all I wanted to do was cry.
Just me and him. And the guilt. And the shame.
Isolating myself from the outer world resulted in me hanging out more and more with my boyfriend. Being next to him all the time gave me comfort and a slight sense of peace , happiness and tranquility. It gave me that constant reassurance I was otherwise always seeking and we would have some amazingly good phases and his love for me was always the same despite my mental turmoils. That he, by the way, for the most part knew nothing about since I would try to keep as much of it hidden from him.
I would feel such extreme guilt, thinking such horrible things. All these negative thoughts about him, and all this questioning that I might be attracted to someone else was simply to dark and shamefull to tell anyone about. And since I never had an actual answer, or felt sure about anything it never felt worth mentioning.
Somethings just not "right" enough. I HAVE to break up
At one point however, after a long period of extreme anxiety and questioning, of long phases of feeling nothing but anxiety and sadness around him, I was so convinced I was feeling attraction to someone else that I told him I had to break up. I needed to make a decision. End the torment of anxiety and questioning. Be "true" to my "real self". It was the only way to escape the anxiety and constant questioning, just deciding once and for all.
I felt so coldhearted while doing it. Evil. The day after I wondered how the hell I could do something like that to someone I had cared so much for. How could I have been so cold and cruel? So emotionally detached? Not too long ago I felt very good about him. Although I couldn't feel I loved him, or that we we're "right", I did have a sense that I might have done something terribly wrong. All I wanted to do was comfort him and make up for all the sadness I put him through.
OCD and depression
The relationship continued happily (up and down) for years. As usuall, the real real low points of accepting my horrible thoughts somehow turned into a relief and a longer period of ocd-free days. As If my mind managed to focus on what was actually important to me. And despite the ocasional OCD, when I felt good, life was really as good as it could ever be. But the isolation and constant anxiety and questioning evolved into several depressions, it became a part of my everyday life. I remember a time when I cried almost every single day for a year, and I was so stuck in my brain I didn't even realize how unhealthy it was.
Experiencing HOCD and other fears
In school I couldn't hide from the spikes other people would cause me. On top of feeling anxious for any guy I would talk to (or just look at), my focus one day suddenly stayed on the girls in my class. One girl was a very masculine lesbian, and I was afraid I might be attracted to her. The thought caught me off guard. Her girlfriend was a really sweet and cute girl with a cool style, and I eventually had thoughts of maybe being attracted to her too. I would even feel my body respond to the thought, in a very intrussive manner that felt very unlike me, as if an inner very vulgar butch lesbian kept saying "hell yeah, I want to do DIRTY stuff to them!" which really freaked me out. OCD started widening its theme.
One year later, in a new school I once again had a lesbian girl in my class. Out of nowhere we were once alone in a room together and I spiked again. "Are you attracted to her!?", "Do you WANT her!?". At this point in my life I was so depressed and anxious I couldnt cope. I felt horrible. I couldn't feel anything but anxiety for my boyfriend so maybe I was gay? Maybe thats why my relathionship has always "felt so wrong". I was used to walking the streets, seeing a guy and fearing I might be attracted to them, but now it was also happening when I saw girls. I would notice every pretty girl, meassure my reaction, my emotions, question why i noticed them, why I cared. I was convinced I must be gay. I felt shame and guilt. I questioned who I was, and what about my boyfriend!? Once again, my world turned upside down.
Issues with physical intimacy
When trying to be intimate with my BF I would get intrusive thoughts and images of lesbian sex that would gross me out and have me shivering in cold sweat, crying. Previously I would sometimes get that about other guys, but this felt so much worse. The thoughts where with me every day from when I woke up to when I fell asleep. My thoughts we're telling me to accept the fact. Stop living a lie. Stop denying my "true self". It got to the point where I was so convinced i was lesbian (not even BI, but specifically lesbian) that I broke up with my BF a second time. This time it had to be forever. I felt devastated but i was also 100% sure I had done the one and only right thing. For him, for me. I was prepared to accept i was gay and I was going to tell my parents...
Hitting rock bottom and feeling relief
After the break up I went back home to my parents where I lived. I told myself that my life as a lesbian had begun, so I sat by my computer and searched for lesbian porn, as some sort of final acceptance of it. With blood shattered swollen eyes, and a headache from all the crying, I looked at this girl on girl video and felt.. well.. eh? It all suddenly felt so ridiculous. I didn't want to look at it, it didn't gross me out but it sure as hell wasn't intriguing. I laughed and wondered what the hell I was doing. The whole situation was so surreal and silly, I could feel all the weight lifting of my chest. I felt relief. The anxiety was gone. Everything seemed so clear. Me gay?! Ridiculous! The need for an absolute answer was suddenly gone.
Realising I had a disorder called OCD.
Since the HOCD was so easy to reject as a ridiculous thought in hinesight, it was the first time I realised this wasn't normal. At all. I started googling and found a great post about HOCD and ROCD written by Dr Steven Philipsson. And reading it word by word it was as if he was describing every day of my life for the last couple of years. I was amazed as the tears ran down my face.
After 6 years we ended it. Single life was great.
Years down the line we eventually broke up. We were growing apart, and though I had tried reading about OCD, being concious of my issues, even trying therapy as a last meassure, he simply didnt have those feelings for me any more. And to be honest, i never got any true control of my OCD and had been experiencing so much anxiety the last years I hadnt felt very excited or sure about him in a long while either. It broke my heart and I cried for months, but eventually, I realised I cant be wanting someone who doesnt want me, and moved on.
Dating and liking new guys
Around 4 months after the break up a guy started hitting on me. Allthough I wasn't interested in a relationship we stayed in contact and I did appreciate the attention. After a few monts I started to really like him and eventually we went on a date. I thought he was soo funny, that we were clicking, that he had gorgeous eyes, a perfect smile, OMG I actually liked this guy, he seemed to be the perfect man. Thinking of him gave me butterflies. But my perception of him quickly kept changing. I started questioning his looks, his sense of humour, his intention, his personality, his values. Yet again my image of him was distorting, he went from perfect to horrendous, to perfect.. to horrendous. At the time everything felt very legit, but now years after I see a pattern. A pattern of switching perceptions. Im sure he never actually changed, but I did. My mind did. Constantly. After a date we had, while I was feeling very uncertain of my feelings and perception of him he came on a little too strong, and made quite a douchy move which made me push him away. And eventually he blocked me on FB and everything. I do think he felt like I was playing with his emotions, being so very on and off all the time. And he was also a very sensitive person so I can understand his reaction.
If you constantly doubt, how do you know whats real?
To this day I dont really understand what happened. I leaft that whole situation feeling "Good ridance!". but realizing my pattern I do wonder how much of it was actually his fault, and how much of it was just my my perception? Even looking back on my 6 year relationship, where I know I loved this guy to death for so many years and wonderful phases, I still wonder if I really liked him, or If I was lying to myself all the time.
Happily single for 3 years.
Despite the previous dating attempt I only had a few flings during the upcoming three years, and it seemed like all of my OCD issues dissolved. I had a few crushes, and they did cause slight obsession and worrying, but no crazy intrusive thoughts, dissabilitating questioning or worrying, no long depressions. Life was quite balanced and healthy. I started questioning If I ever even had OCD at all, since the issues disapeared along with the guys I assumed they were the problem. Simple, right?
Falling in love again.
But 3 years later i started talking to a guy. At first he seemed too eager, too clingy, so I told him to back off. I wasn't interested in a relationship. But he was a real gentleman and said he was just genuinely interested in me and we both kept talking and flirting in a respectful and fun manner. Eventually we started talking every day, on the phone and on skype, since he lived in another country. I was really curious and intrigued by him and it was actually fun to flirt again. Having him there everyday started feeling quite nice. We started sharing very deep things about ourselves, growing quite tight bounds, talking for about 1,5 hours for each call. Months would pass and I would some days feel I was blessed to have meet this wonderful, caring, sensitive man, and other days I would question If I liked him at all. Suddenly all the old patterns came back. I found myself spending hours a day wondering If I missed him enough. If I wanted to call him. If I was happy to hear from him. If I had more fun with my other male friends. If I liked someone else more?
Some days I would feel so lucky to have him in my life and walk around smiling at the thought of him. I thought to myself that I think I love this man, but I coudnt get the words out, and once I thought it I questioned it. Do I, do I really? I would go from feeling positive and in love to the next day feeling I had to stop leading him on and break it off as quickly as possible. My anxiety levels were so high I would feel physically and mentally drained by the end of the day. It would get to the point where the constant questioning made me so frustrated and sad I would cry.
Here i was again. And this time I knew how it felt to have 3 years without anxiety, without depression. I felt even more intolerant to this extreme discomfort the thoughts and anxiety gave me.
This has been ongoing for the last 6 months. We've traveled to see eachother several times, and every time seems to end up in some sort of mental break down, finding back to that little spark for a few days and then me trying to keep my mind straight and hang in there. not loose myself in thoughts. Finding back to reasons to try a little longer.
Just the other day I felt I had to break up. Im scrutinizing everything he does, says. Everything annoys me. My mind is screaming "HE'S SO WRONG FOR YOU", "you dont have anything in common", "It wont ever work out", "stop wasting his time", "Be true to yourself". Again, this idea of me supressing my "real self". During this exact day it all felt so true too, even though I 4 days previously felt utter peace of mind and happiness with him, thinking this could actually work out great in the long run. Contradictions. And convictions and perceptions changing from one day to another.
He knows about my issues though, and he's really the best. He tells me I'm free to do what I want to, but that he loves me and genuinly appreciates having me in his life in whatever way it might be. I still don't know how I feel, but when he's here It feels so natural to kiss, him, to hug him. Eventhough i might feel anxious or annoyed, It feels good to do nice things for him. I want him to feel good, be happy, feel loved. I know that as long as I dont think, the present is actually quite good. And all of the personality traits that annoy me so much one day, seem to not even exist on a good day. So I keep trying to hang in there, to not make any rash decisions when Im depressed or unbalanced. It seems so apparent, writing it all down, that this is just yet another OCD problem, but OCD has the incredible ability to make every incident seem like that One exception. This time it's for real. And it does feel 100% real. Thats the worst part, constantly feeling that you loose grip of reality, of yourself.
I decided to get therapy a month ago, Im in the waiting list. I dont know how Im supposed to go there If I don't even know this relationship is worth saving, since my minds tells me, and emotionally convinces me we shouldn't be together. And if it wasn't ever OCD, does it mean that I willingly decided to live a lie, stay with someone I "actually" dont like, convince myself that its OCD, to just not have to break up? The thought of a therapist telling me that I should break up, that I simply dont like him scares me. I do know that If it would end, I would eventually move on and live a few anxiety free years again, but I'm sure the pattern will show the next time I meet someone again. I cant let OCD control any more of my life
Its all so insane. Ugh. This got sooo long. If someone EVER gets through all of it I certainly hope it felt worth it, if not - sorry. Much love to you all. And even though I have a hard time following my own advice, I do know that therapeutic help, CBT with ERP is my ONLY way of ever learning how to live a healthy OCD free life while in a relationship. So do get professional help as soon as possible, don't waste any more time out of your life.
<3!!!
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