When I was younger, I always thought I was so clever because I knew the word ambivolence. Now I'm older, I actually know what it means, and tonight, I actually know how it feels.
At work today, a letter needed hand-delivering, and my boss (who would normally have taken it) was catching a train down to London, so asked me if I would go. Now, as you know by now, a lot of my anxiety centres around travelling beyond my "safety zone". The place to deliver the letter to was only 7 miles away, but I've never been there, and didn't know the route, so I instantly started feeling quite up-tight. To cut a long story short though, I printed out my maps, enrolled my sister as navigator, went and came back in one piece, without having any PAs! We even called in at a pretty little semi-ruined church on the way home, to have a look around - I was so proud!
Then this evening, my parents decided to take us out for a meal, as my sis is off back to university in Wales tomorrow for her second year. To cut a similarly long story short - I let myself be driven to two restaurants (the first was full), in my dad's car when I usually insist on driving myself (it's not my dad's driving, it's just a control thing), I ordered a full-size meal, when I'll usually only choose a snack "to be on the safe side" [Duh!], waited for it without bolting for home or the bathroom, ate it, and enjoyed it. Again, this was all with a little anxiety, but without so much as a baby PA - doubly proud! [8D]
"So where does the ambivolence come in?" I hear you cry. As I said, my sister is going back to uni in Carmarthen tomorrow, and my parents are taking her. We are literally the whole width (minus about 80miles) of the country from Carmarthen. It's a 5+ hour trip, and not doable in one day, so my parents will be staying overnight and returning for sunday evening, which means I'll be on my own for most of the weekend, and have to spend a night in the house alone. Obviously, I'm anxious about the long drive, the safety of it all for my family etc. but I'm also selfishly anxious for myself - I don't like being in the house alone at night: I just don't feel safe. Every creak or noise is magnified, and I find that I have to keep all the lights on around the house, and lock myself in like Fort Knox.
I'm so proud of myself for my double "accomplishment" today, that I don't want this weekend to spoil it. I'm telling myself that I've done this before (when they went to fetch my sister at the start of summer), and that I am going to be fine, but that little fluttery feeling is still there. My grandma lives literally up the street, and my aunt and her partner are visiting her on Sunday, so I will have family close-by, but I don't want to burden them, when they don't really know the extent of my problems :(
If there are any good vibes going spare this weekend, I could do with a few sending in the Lincolnshire direction [8)]
~* Do what you want. Nobody else will do it for you *~
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