How to overcome depression when your life is making you depressed

[KeeKee]

I feel as though my life is what is making me depressed. That may sound obvious but what I mean is many people with depression simply don't know why they are depressed, some even have a textbook happy life and remain depressed.

However, I am unhappy with my life. I feel judged by my family everyday. I feel as though my partner has no respect for me and that he doesn't value me at all. I feel as though I have nobody to talk to. I feel unable to work alongside other people as I feel they too will judge me.

I also have BDD (undiagnosed but suggested by counsellor) and it's ruining my life too. I feel ugly even though I know I'm not ugly. I'm so preoccupied every day with my appearance. I now have puffy eyes which are also causing me great distress as my eyes cannot be hidden under clothes. I hate them. I hate my body, I hate my hair and because of this I feel shallow.

I've been trying for at least a decade now to try to accept I am who I am but I simply can't. As a Female, I do believe I am judged on my looks and as they have drastically declined these last 5 years or so I feel as though I am nothing. I also have new issues when I'm still trying to deal with other issues such as my recent puffy eyes and also acne that I developed at 20 and it's slowly getting worse as the years go by. I also frazzled my hair last year with a new hairdryer which is another blow to my self esteem.

I just don't know how things can ever get better. I want to be attractive to my partner, I want to feel as though I look tidy, which I never do given my skin and eyes and I also hate the way I dress but I'm too self conscious to wear nice clothes.

I take everything to heart what people say and I dwell on things for ages. I am constantly spoken over by my partner, family and even my daughter doesn't listen to me when I speak (I don't get ignored constantly but people speak over me or just simply don't respond more times than I think is acceptable). I feel like I am worthless. If nobody respects me, compliments me, or even listens to me, how can I learn to love myself?

What's to say I'm not just a horrible person? What's to say I'm not just unpleasant to be around?

[KeeKee]

Today has been another bad day. What's new. I'm sick of feeling so crappy, everyday my partner and I argue, everyday I feel as though my daughter is purposefully winding me up. I'm constantly irritated and I can't see a way out of this.

I can't stand sitting here in the living room in silence when my partner is right next to me. Why can't people just tell me if I've done something wrong? I feel like the whole world is against me and everybody hates me. I'm so angry, bitter and resentful and each single day it all increases.

I no longer have an intimate relationship and I feel like my partner is just biding his time until he eventually leaves me. I'm also sick of my own mopey posts but need to vent.

[Carolin]

Keekee, I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted you to know that I feel for you.

It sounds very difficult for you. I know what feeling alone is like. Even when my house is full I can feel totally alone.

Only you have the answer to your relationship . I just wanted to send you a hug, and tell you to try and be strong and work out what is best for you

[.Poppy.]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I struggle with self esteem too (which I'm sure you know from my posts). You know what's funny though? I've found that between my low self esteem and HA that whatever I'm freaking out about at that moment feels SO real....I can't see it any other way, am sure others see the same thing I do so feel so awful, etc. But when I zero in on one thing, I don't even notice the others. So when I'm obsessing over my scars, my brows look perfectly fine to me (I've been thinking my brows are thinning). When I'm in a state over my brows, my skin looks totally fine.

Strange how that works. It can shift daily. So clearly, logically, it's not really THAT bad, just my perspective is at the time. I promise it doesn't make it any easier though. Fixating like that is normal with anxiety I think.

I'm sorry you don't feel supported. Does your spouse know how you feel, not just unsupported but also in regards to your self esteem/anxiety? Also, how old is your daughter - it may just be an age thing. I know I was a pill when I was younger! Some of it was irritability due to massive anxiety, would that be possible for her too?

I think its interesting that you mention you are having trouble loving yourself because others don't love you (in your eyes). But that's not self love. Self love means that their opinions shouldn't matter because YOU love yourself.

You may not be ready to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful (though of course you are) but perhaps you can start complimenting yourself in other ways? Try listing good qualities you possess, or keep a journal and write daily one thing (or more!) that you've done that that day that you are proud of. Maybe it's going shopping or walking away from the mirror when you're about to start obsessing. Anything positive!

I hope you start to feel better and see your worth soon. Hugs.

[Carnation]

KeeKee,

You could be a mirror image of me!

I think I am ugly, I feel invisible to people, I think people hate me and talk about me badly, and I have no confidence or drive.

I know we could be much worse off, I am aware of that and I am truly grateful that I am not and I don't take life for granted, but it is horrible feeling this way. I don't know what to suggest, but we can share our woes and I will let you know if I find answer to help this, but I think sadly it is depression.

[Tyke]

Hi Keekee

You do sound depressed - I know what you mean about circumstances making you feel this way - I can often list the things that make me feel miserable, and they are real genuine reasons that I think most people would understand to some degree. I'm in a position now where I can't decide whether to ask to go back on medication or to try and stick it out until the Spring - I often feel worse over Autumn and Winter, especially when there is so little sunlight and it seems to rain just about every other day with the present weather patterns. Even when there is no rain it is constantly grey with dark threatening skies. I can't remember the last time the sun shone.

You obviously have had counselling in the past - are you receiving anything at the moment? It is probably worth going to your GP if you aren't getting any professional help currently. Have you ever taken medication when you feel like this? If so, did it help? I know you can pinpoint reasons why you feel down, but you may still be helped by antidepressants to get you through a bad patch, whatever the cause. I know they have helped me through some difficult times.

When we are depressed it is so much harder to feel happy about ourselves. I know I always feel dissatisfied with just about everything from my body image to my work performance and can't understand why anybody would ever want to be with me or employ me. One thing that does help a little is thinking about who I actually am and what I stand for. I don't treat others badly, I don't do crime, I look after my kids, I try to be sensitive to the needs of others, just a handful of positive things I can pull out without too much thought. I am sure you could list many similar things which might make you feel a bit better. You are clearly trying to bring your daughter properly with not a lot of support at the moment. That is an achievement. Maybe you would feel better if you prioritised some 'you' time? A set time when you do something just for yourself, whether that be taking up a hobby, playing sport or joining a class or something? It would probably do you good just to get out of the situation you are in even if this is just for a couple of hours or so.

I hope you can find something that helps, I know there are no easy answers, you just have to find what works best for you.

[KeeKee]

Thank you all so much for responding.

Carolin thank you for your understanding. It means so much to know others can empathise, thank you for the hug

Poppy, it's crazy you mention the brow thinning as that's how I feel with my left eye brow, it's only the outer third (I thought I had a thyroid issue ha), but still horrible. My partner does know how I feel, although I feel as though he has no respect for me and isn't supportive, I do feel as though I can tell him anything. I also agree it could be an age thing with my daughter, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't even try to understand what it's like as a child in that way as I was always so chilled as a child.
It's not impossible, but I highly doubt my daughter has anxiety or anything, she's very outgoing and confident, all of her teachers mention this at parents evenings. She's also well behaved at school and with other relatives, which means they don't believe us when we say she is acting up which is very difficult. My CBT therapist also suggested writing down positive things or things I am proud of, but I genuinely can't think of any. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Carnation, it's crazy to think someone else could feel virtually the exact same as me. I also think people are talking about me! How crazy is that. I too am grateful for my health, my family etc. I'm so lucky that I've yet to lose somebody close to me (touch wood), how many people can say that at 27 (although in all fairness we aren't a very close family so those who I'd class as close total around 10 people), but it's so easy to take things for granted. Another major stressor in my life is the thought of anything happening to my partner or daughter while I feel this way towards them, it would just kill me and I worry about this a lot. Thanks for your reply.

Tyke, I'm the opposite and tend to feel worse during the Spring and especially Summer months for a variety of reasons. Today is yet another bright day and I honestly can't even face the school run later, although I have no choice I could scream just thinking about it. I sometimes wonder if when we dislike a specific type of weather, we tend to notice it more, for example everybody is talking about the dull days, yet I have only noticed 2 this past fortnight.
Yes I have had counselling, CBT twice and am currently awaiting CAT although I'm not 100% sure what it entails. I took antidepressants until 22 months ago for almost 6 years. They did help a little but only by means of blunting all my emotions to the point I lost interest in virtually everything. This was more prominent on Paroxetine. I also gained crap loads of weight, completely lost my sex drive and developed a monotonous tone of voice (Probably due to my lack of emotion). I will never touch an antidepressant again unless these 3 particular side effects were 100% guaranteed not to occur and as there are no guarantees with antidepressants, I'm having to find other solutions :-(
I'm the same in regards to people wanting to be with me or employ me. I'm terrified of getting back into work, not only because I really don't enjoy being around people for too long, but because I've somehow got to explain my 3 year gap from work/studying. My daughter is almost 9 so I can't use that as an excuse as she's been at school for over 4 years now. Until I also developed anxiety I could manage my depression. Yes I snapped at times, I couldn't take my daughter to parks etc, but I was still a good Mother, I was still a good person, now I'm not too sure. I worry that I don't even like my own child and it kills me. You sound like a lovely person.
It's true I don't have much support with my daughter, but I feel like this is the reason I'm struggling so much so I can't see it as an achievement. My daughter is so much like her Dad, currently her whole bedroom floor is covered in coats, pillows, toys, books, DVD's, I just don't understand why tidying is so difficult for her, I feel as though I've truly failed in that respect. She always goes in a mood with me, even when I tell her she's going in the bath she absolutely hates it. I feel like it's a losing battle.
I do have me time I suppose, I meet a relative once a week for a coffee, when I go in the bath I spend around an hour in there, my daughter will just sit in her room and read so I don't feel guilty about that, but it seems nothing lifts my spirits.
When I was at my happiest it was a time when my relationship was OK, my house wasn't a bomb site, my family didn't undermine me in front of my child, I didn't hate my appearance (as much). I just can't get past all this. Last night when I went to bed there was an overwhelming smell filling my room (my partners deodorant) and it set me off again, I don't want to go to bed with a perfumey smell in my room, but I have no choice because he won't stop spraying it in my room, or the kitchen and I hate it when people put that amount of scent on (especially when it's used in place of a good old bath). Thank you so much for replying and thank you all for taking the time to read my posts as they must sound so mopey. I just feel so low, hopeless and can see no way out.