Hello, I am new to the forum, but I am hoping here is a place I can find comfort and healing for my horrid health anxiety. I have had health anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I was a young girl there was no such thing as google however my mother had this big old heavy medical book and I remember reading through it and diagnosing myself with insane diseases. I remember that I would read something and then by the weeks end I was actually showing most if not all of the symptoms of it. I think I kept this to myself back then and didn't share my fear with anyone. My teenage years weren't so bad, don't get me wrong, when meningococcal became a thing I was terrified and there were other various incidents, but it was never all consuming, I think this was because life as a teenager was so exciting, there were boys, school, parties, etc so I didn't have time to stop and think about it as much. My late teens and early 20s were marred by a bit of a drinking problem, it was very dysfunctional but after I had both my children at age 23 I sought help for that and now I rarely drink at all. But it was at the time that my first child was born, I was 22, that my health anxiety stuck with a vengeance. I was diagnosed with PND but as I look back now I can see that it was Post natal health anxiety. Ever since then I have had regular reoccurring bouts of insane anxiety, and I am just at a point where I feel like living is a curse (then I feel guilty and terrified that because I think that way I am going to be struck down with some terminal illness because I don't deserve to be here if I think like that). I won't go into detail about all the 'episodes' except to say that health is always in the back of my mind but when I have fixated on something it steals away a great deal of my time with worrying and fear.
Normally in the back of my mind there is a voice that tells me I am being irrational and that this is just my anxiety, I know I will get through that stuff. But this time is different. Something has happened and I am terrified. 6 days ago I fainted. It would have been ok if it was a 'normal' fainting episode but I was sitting in my car in a drive thru with my 5 year old in the car. When I fainted my foot slipped off the brake and the car began to move forward. We ended up stopping when the car ran into a pole (which stopped us from ending up on a main road), I came around quickly after that and I was just terrified, it all felt surreal. I was taken to hospital and monitored overnight. Prior to passing out I felt like I was having a panic attack. My daughter had just had a whooping cough test and I was panicking because she was upset and it was grossing me out to think they may have damaged her nose etc (should say I have been close to fainting a number of times with blood tests, at the sight of blood etc). I was fine putting this faint down to my panic attack, fair enough it had never happened before but maybe the fact that I hadn't eaten that morning, had drank half an energy drink and was getting sick meant that my panic attack was worse? The Dr at the hospital though said it was really rare to pass out from a panic attack, he also said it was very worrisome that I passed out while sitting down, he has ordered all these tests on my heat (one of which scared the crap out of me). Now I am terrified that I will drop dead at any minute with heart failure and leave behind my beautiful husband and children. I get scared of missing out on them growing up. I don't want to die, I am terrified. I have no apetite, I am constantly dizzy, tired, have chest pain, weak limbs (all of which I did not have before I fainted). I have googled and I am just so scared. I simply cannot live like this anymore I just can't I hate myself, I hate my mind and I feel so guilty that I bought two beautiful innocent little people into my life because I am just not worthy of them...
Should also add that I haven't had any of the heart tests yet, its all being done as an outpatient and I think it will be about 6 weeks before I go back to see the doctor from the hospital. I am a uni student (embarrassed to say I am studying psychology), uni starts back in a week and I just don't know how I will cope. This is the last year of my bachelor, I feel like I theoretically know what to do about anxiety it just in practice I suck, which makes me also think I am not cut out to be a psychologist, I fear that I have wasted the last 3 years working my ass off just to realise now I made the wrong choice... I am so close to just giving up
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