Fear of being alone

[skylight2007]

Hiya emmas, thank you for your reply and I am more than happy to reply to you.

you asked how do you break the habit!!!! your aware of making excuses and you tell yourself that its your anxieties and panic that stops you.

So how do we grow from being or becoming dependant on others to pushing ourself forwards into becoming independant?

Breaking a habit is very hard emma, and anxiety can feel like an emotional addiction!!! some people fight very hard to cope with feelings of anxiety and panic, and over a period of time, we begin to doubt our own feelings and become fearful of trying something new........... dependance is about not feeling safe in ourself.

for me emma TRUST AND SAFTEY went hand in hand with my anxieties and panic, I had to learn how to trust my feelings and to feel safe with what I was feeling.

The other thing that I learned about myself, was the issue of control in my life. My feelings were so controlled, trying to control the panic, the lonliness, the checking, the counting, controlling those things with fear !!!!!

breaking the habit, you are honest enough to admit your making excuses, you want to change but your fearful. change is always scary at first,

Imagine this scenario!!!!! just to explain how anxiety and change can work!!!! with persistant!!!

A child is told he, or she is starting school for the first time. Now we would never say to a child, ' your suffering from anxiety',

Up until the day he/she starts school, they are safe in their comfort zone, they know their surroundings, and they feel safe, they are familiar with their parents and their environment.

Now moving from their comfort zone, the child will have tummy aches, will cry, will tug at mummy skirt, will be feel nervous, will want to say at home and will simply feel scared for going to school, because it is a place that is alien to them, has adults they do not know, is in a different environment where they know no one, have no security and is left feeling completely alone. The child depends on mum to make him feel safe.

But as all good mothers and dads, and carers, we encourage our children , that they will make new friends, that they will be there to pick them up, and nothing bad is going to happen to them.

The symptons the childs feel is real, but the belief is misplaced, because of fear. We know that all our children need is constant reasurrance that things will get better, and so each day we take our children to school.

As time goes by, the crying stops, and the child is growing in strength and begins to feel safe, each day gets easier and he or she begins to make friends, and grows in confidence, until the day comes when they just give you a quick kiss and run off because jack and jill are their waiting for them!!!!!

So equate this to breaking the habit, can it be done with persistant , yes it can!!!! can you become independant again yes you can. Independance is about challenging the way we feel about situations often what we dont feel comfortable about.

So how did I come to be the way I am, through hard work, self reflection, determination that I had control in my life, understanding my feelings, and making small changes in my life, developing a positive attitude, because not only does our attitude and behaviour change so too does our feelings.

So emmas where do you now go from here? When will be a good time to start, is there ever a good time to take control over your life? and to grow stronger and independant.

I know you can make the changes, emmas their has to be a first day!!!

hope this helps , lots of love and encouragement for the changes your about to make!!!!

skylight xx

[Piglet]

Cracking thread skylight - much for us all to take from it!

I particularly related to the part where you would have your child stay at a friends to help you overcome the fear of being on your own at night.

Having brought up 3 kids alone I was so used to having them all around me I thought I wouldn't be able to stay alone at night either. Then a few years ago my eldest moved out to house share with some mates and the other two were both away on school trips at the same time.

I was dreading it and whilst I did miss them terribly it was only in the normal way not a needy way. The three days passed and I had coped and so much like you I went from always seeming to have child in my bed to now regularly having nights on my own when the other two are at sleepovers.

Yet again it's the anticapatory anxiety that's the worse isn't it.

Time and time again the event turns out to be nothing like as bad as the picture in your head beforehand.

Love Piglet

[PUGLETMUM]

hi ,

i was going to start a new thread tonight about how awful im currently feeling and how im LETTING panic get the better of me.

but seeing as how ive realised that really being on my own has become a major issue for me i thougt id just add it on here.

everything skylight says is true, im not sure if you are or have been agoraphobic skylight? but i think you are piglet? or have been until recently?, anyway the thing is that this agoraphobia is soooooo complex and is about the things that you have been talking about skylight. it is as though it has always been there for me, and it just develops and build and grows until you are not you anymore but just this pathetic(i mean that literally not as an insult) wretched thing!!!! that is how ive been feeling today and its been growing and growing for weeks and weeks, i wont go into detail as id still be here tomorrow.also i hope nobody thinks im saying that that is how they feel, feel free to tell me if you do though.just saying that like skylight my issues have a very long history.

anyway im struggling big time at the moment and i KNOW that when ive beat this i will be FREE. the only person who can do it is ME but im sooooooooooo scared of panic that i cannot at the moment believe that i have the strength to survive it, the last few panics ive had have been so overwhelming that they are immediately sending me into complete chaos, ive spent too much time avoiding it that when it really happens i cannot cope.

oh well i just have to start again now and make sure i get it right this time.

a very miserable and tired emmaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Piglet]

Yes Emmas I am dealing with agoraphobia hun!

Piglet

[skylight2007]

Cracking thread skylight - much for us all to take from it!


Yet again it's the anticapatory anxiety that's the worse isn't it.

Time and time again the event turns out to be nothing like as bad as the picture in your head beforehand.

Love Piglet

Ahh thanks piglet!!! oh yeah I totally agree with what you said, back in the days, from the moment I knew my girl was going to have a sleep over, that was it, the anticipation use to drive me bonkers, hahah, but now she is nearly 20, and I have had years of practice being on my own, I never ever thought that I could feel so safe in my own skin!!!! and in my head of course.
It does take time and sometimes when I look back , its almost as if piglet, I was never that person. Hope that makes sense!!!! Love skylight.

[Piglet]

I have now reached the stage of being ok at home alone - it's just going out I don't do alone at present but workin on it!

My eldest piglet is 20 and the other two arn't far behind her and all very independent, so it's important to me to get back some of my 'oomph'! So it's nice to hear how well you are doing!

Piglet

[PUGLETMUM]

hey piglet,

im the same as you in that i can go out but not alone- well i can go to certain places alone, but bigger things like my town are still not an option, although i have split up from hubby there and then met him again and been okay.(did that once in december)

do you mind me asking who your support people are? oh and also how are you doing the course that youre doing if you dont go out alone? also how did you overcome the fear of being alone?

emma

[Paddington]

Hi guys,oh boy i am so glad i found this thread..I dont think i realised,until the last few days ,just how much i rely on others to to things,well to be /do anything!! oh gosh i hope i dont ramble now,as i am all over the place having been in a constant state of panic for the last 24 hours[first time in a long time]all the old reactions kicked in,valium, brandy. I think this is because my youngest child has left home,my middle one left last october,so pretty quick really to be left alone.My partner works permanent nights so night time has become horrible.Thinking about it,i went everywhere with my daughter,my recovery to date has so much to do with her gentle heart and understanding of her manic mum.ooo i miss her,crying like a loon now We went to town together,she knew it was my greatest fear[still is and would NEVER go alone]i thought i was doing it for her,but it was for me i think,a glimpse at normality.Though,bless her,most times i would be sweating and ringing my hands and wanting to run...she would take me into a a pub ,get me a pint and just talk gently till i calmed down Since she moved out ,i have started to feel ill again,my stomach is really painful and my IBS has come back with avengence Last night i was sooo bad [sure i was gunna die!]my parner had to come back from work at 1am to reassure me ,and himself too.I called him and was rambling on about not wanting to be on my own ,how frightened i was.[poor bloke ]So this is the next part of my journey i guess,learning to be physicaly on my own!Like Emma,i have no friends to call to talk too,they left as soon as i started with anxiety attacks,they simply did not understand.I realise i became too reliant on my daughter.We have such fun tho,she is a shining light in a rather dark exsistence at times.My partner is good with me too,but we only see each other to go anywhere on saturdays really.At least i do go places now,where as before i would not go out at all.I have beaten a lot of my demons,this isa new one for me to battle.Thanks for listening,just a really bad time at the moment.Love Mary Rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[skylight2007]

Hey Piglet, hmmmmmmm some ooomp!!!!!!!!!!! eh!!! well you seem to have plenty of that!! just have to use some of that confidence you gained staying alone to get you out and about alone!!! I do believe you'll be able to tackle that real soon!!!!!!!! hey just a thought Piglet, if you havent already tried this, maybe you can set yourself a small goal during the day to go somewhere where your familar with, and ask one of your mates to keep in touch with you on the mobile!!!! someone who can just reassure you that your safe and not alone and can just be there on the end of the phone to make sure you come back safe!!!!!!!!! which you will!!!!! just a thought!!! love skylight

[skylight2007]

Hiya Rose, gosh its real hard when we realise how dependant on our family we have become, dont feel bad about it hun as I fully understand what your saying, It is so hard when our children leave, it leaves us feeling empty and I can understand how much you miss her. living with panic is so hard and it is very sad when we lose friends or the support we once had because no one really understands the fear behind panic, not feeling safe!!!
Rose if you read my post at the begining, I use to send my daughter to sleep over to learn how to stay on my own , just wondering I know your hubby is around and it is often the night time that is most uneasy...... I use to have all the lights on in the house, and all the tv's so I didnt feel alone, it was my distraction, to keep my mind off other things, as my feelings were hypersenstive, and always felt jumpy at the slightest noise, so during the night time, thats what I did and would get through it, waking up, I use to feel so relieved at the simple fact , I MADE IT TRHOUGH THE NIGHT AND YIPEE I COULD SEE DAYLIGHT AGAIN.
All you need is support, and I understand that is hard to find too... another suggestion Rose is when your husband is with you in the early evening he could go out, just for a couple of hours, so that you can slowly learn how to feel safe with your feelings of being alone. We all know no harm will come to us, so its the feelings you need to work on. its very hard hun, but whilst you have someone there with you, its not such a bad idea to put these small steps into action!!!!!
If you need reasurrance when your by yourself, the infor on left will tell you of the NO PANIC charity, that you can ring during the day, and they have an answering phone crisis telephone line, during the day, 01952-525173

you can also pm if you need to chat and just have encouragement!!!! love skylight.