Fear of being alone

[PUGLETMUM]

awww mary rose,

im so sorry you are feeling this right now, and hun on friday i had to get my hubby to come back from a course he was on as i was hysterical with panic, as was going to be on own - everybody busy, so i know exactly what ur going through!

i upset myself all the time with the fear of my husband dying as then id have to really be alone, this is what freaks me out the most!

im so sorry that you are feeling bereft at your daughter going and i havent got any good advice as im exactly the same as you, i CANNOT break this habit of dependancy!!!

i was actually once told by a psychiatrist ' you are a dependant and avoidant personality' aaarrrgggghhhh so i dont think ill ever be any different.

hopefully youll get the support you need here then mary and im happy to try to help

all the best and hope you start to feel a bit better soon

emmaxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Piglet]

Aww Mary Rose hun - you are gonna get one of my very specialist hugs and I am going to give myself one too, cos like you I will miss the rest of my piglets when they leave too.

When they do you can persuede hubby to move near me and then you and I will do fun stuff and let the kids come along if they can keep up with us!!

(((MR))) (((P)))

Lots of love Piglet

[Paddington]

Oh thanks you guys Sky,thanks so muchfor the number,iwillput that in my phone.There have been a few times when i have had to ring my son to help me thru a journey or some such.And i know it is distressing for my children to hear/see their mom in such panic and distress.Bless him he had to listen to me once crying and 'dying' all the way from cambridge to wolverhampton!!! So many thanks for that Emmas,yep sounds like we do share things,As tho our very safety is dependant upon the presence of another person,when as sky points out ,it isn't at all..more boundaries for us to break down i guess.Lovely to speakwith you like this tho hun,great to know you understand my oddness And Piglet hun,thanks for the big hugs,much appreciated right backat ya !Oh can you iagine the fun and games if we were together,much lying on pavements,swopping floaty scarves,i could plait your hair,you could cover me in crystals...ooh fab,sounds like a joni mitchel song,ever heard the track'ladies of the canyon'?If not seek it out ,you will love it! Really all of you thanks so much.I am still in awful pain with my tum,iam sure it is stress[tho of course in the wee small hours,it is a heart problem ]Imanaged to sleeplast night but had to have some medicationto help me.I am sure it wil pass ,and with your help,I KNOW IT WILL I am here too if any of you want to share your fears[gotta tell you i just typed rears instead of fears by mistake ,it was so funny i nearly left it in ]so what ever you would like to share maties,i am here for you too.Thanks so much,it has made my day Lots of love Mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[skylight2007]

Aww Mary Rose, how are you today hun, you sound so much more relaxed at the moment, and yes we are all here for ya!!!!!!!!!!!!! and believe me Rose you will get better and grow in confidence, be proud that your aware of the changes you have to make, AND YOU WONT HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!!!! its all about feeling comfortable in yourself and trusting and believing you can, and you said it, you can do it. Be kind to yourself Rose , learning to depend on our own strengths takes time but you'll have all the support around you to achieve those goals. stay positive!!! love sky.

[Piglet]

!Oh can you imagine the fun and games if we were together,much lying on pavements,swopping floaty scarves,i could plait your hair,you could cover me in crystals...ooh fab,

ROFL!!

Piglet

[Paddington]

hey Piglet dont think we will bother going clubbin together tho,lookin at the laughter thread nooooo,not a good idea at all!!!Hey guys i feel so much better today thanks to this site and all this laughter!Love M'rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[skylight2007]

As tho our very safety is dependant upon the presence of another person,when as sky points out ,it isn't at all..more boundaries for us to break down i guess.
Lots of love Mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DEPENDANCY, CREATING SAFE BOUNDARIES

Who's responsible for our own safty? When I realised how dependant I had beocme on my daughter when she was young, I also learned at the same time that to a huge degree I was subconsciously making her responsible for helping me to feel safe.

The whole issue of creating safe boundaries within myself said alot about my own self esteem and self worth, living with anxiety, ocd and panic meant that my personal boundaries were zero. I had to learn how to create a safe space between her and me, and me and others. I was not only dependant on my daugther but on others toooo , to make me feel worthy and safe, At the time I had no idea how insecure I really was , and how much I needed to be needed!!!

I became a person who could never say no, and became a pleaser, always being available to others and giving my own power away. As a mother there was nothing I wouldn't do for my daughter, but little did I realise I was making her dependant on me!!! she grew up to rely on me, instead of relying on herself. There was nothing she wouldnt do for herself because mummy would always do it, and when she tried to do something, she had no confidence because she always felt as if mummy was watching her, she felt uncomfortable,unsure, always looked for reassurance in making decisions, she didnt trust in own self because slowly I was taking away her own confidence to think for herself and trust in her own self . I know this sounds awful but its true, I felt by doing and pleasing her, she would love me more, and think good of me. I was stepping over her own personal safe boundaries making myself responsible for her every thought and need. I was wrong, I was building up , so I thought, my own sense of self worth, but in the wrong way!!! I was dependant on her, and I was making her dependant on me, hope that makes sense!!!!!
I was actually the same with friends, always being there and sorting out their issues, all to feel better about myself, that I was a good person, and people could rely on me, I was a good person, I just needed to learn that I didn't have to keep proving to others all the time!!!! that I was. I quickly learned that I allowed these friends to call upon me when ever they needed help, but without me, they would sort their problems anyway, once again I always felt responsible for sorting out their issues, because it made me feel good.
I wrongly placed my value on how others perceived me, their opinions about me MEANT MORE TO ME, THAN MY OWN OPINION OF MYSELF. Trac explains this beautifully in her article on self esteem!!!!!! great post Trac!!!

Learning to say NO, was the begining of me valuing myself and trusting in myself and creating my own SAFE BOUNDARIES!!

It was ok for me to say, ' I am sorry I can't help you at the moment because I have this to do!!!! I never sent out the message to others that I actualy had things to do myself, so the message I gave them, was ' I am always available'. ' I need your approval', you must like me' I am a good person' you never say no, ' I can depend on you'

Not anymore, I stopped doing for others, didnt make any excuses, told them I had things to do, made time for me, saw them when I could and knew that they could be responsible for making their own decisions and relying on finding their own answers.

I was creating my own personal boundaries, and feeling safe to do so. I encouraged my daughter to do for herself, stopped intervening when she did something, praised her for all the things she did, when she asked for my opinion, I simply asked her, ' what do you think', the process was long and hard, but today she is a strong character, makes her own decisons, is well balanced and is not dependant on me FOR ALL HER NEEDS. I learned to respect her and value her own personal internal space, allowing to her grow independantly seperate from me with her own thoughts and feelings.

I also learned how to do this for myself, and by saying No, Not only did I encourage my own inner trusting, begining to value myself , I also encouraged the inner trusting of my daughter and my friends. I began to do more for myself, began to study, do volunteering, take time to learn about me,became more reliant on myself and supported others only if the need was neccessary, if it was something they could do, then so be it, but if they needed help, then I would point them in right direction if I could, and if I couldn't instead of taking over, I would simply say, sorry I cant help this time without feeling guilty. Hope that makes sense. I also learned that in taking personal responsibility for myself, I had created alot of respect from those around me, instead of assuming I was available, which I had taught them, they began to ask if I could help and appreciated that me saying No, didnt mean that I didnt want them in my life, it just meant that I had a life as well as having them. I had created my own personal boundaries, and loving it!!!

I know this post is YET ANOTHER LONG ONE but just wanted to share this with you.

Love skylight.

[Piglet]

Oh my goodness Sky what a journey of self discovery and of discovery in general you have had!!

I have to say 'Oh my goodness' again because I could have actually written that post about myself!! Uncanny!!!

I am reminded very much of an affirmation card by Louise Hay that says 'you can't learn other peoples lessons for them' and to concentrate on your own learning journey and let others do theirs in the right way and at the right time for them.!!

Love Piglet

[PUGLETMUM]

mmm, no i cant actually say i feel lke this, my self esteem is low but i know 100% im not a people pleaser and i definately dont have an issue with my daughter, im mainly clinging to my husband.

for me i think the fact im not a people pleaser has actually caused me problems as some people dont really like it if your honest and you can rapidly lose freinds and connections by NOT being a people pleaser.

emmaxxxx

[Paddington]

Oooh i am,a right people pleaser,i may as well have ..PLEASE LIKE ME....tatooed on my forehead.And the best of it is ..I KNOW IT IRRITATES PEOPLE .Sky i am tryin really hard to see myself thru my own eyes,and not thru other peoples.I do genuinly love doing stuf for folk tho,and if it makes me feel good as well then i accept that.But i know it can easily evolve into saying yes,then feeling resentful when you get a NO ,or silence to a request you may make.Oh that happens to me sooooo much i give advice and truly care ,and it can be really draining,but i do it with love and concern,So when i ask for a hand with something or mention i am down or upset and it is met with 'nothing' that is when i get upset..do you get what i mean,iam rambling somewhat Wel yu will be proud of me ,as todayi said no to my sister,and the world has not ground to a halt So hey i hope i am moving on with this.Thankfully my Daughter has always been very much her own person[havin 2 elder brothers maybe??]i am so proud of how she is so independant and we support each other i think[i hope! ]Your journey is amazing Sky..it is so good to share these things.Thank you. .xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx