Does this sound like DP/DR?

[rchippex]

So I have had anxiety on and off for a number of years. I first had it at 22 and recovered completely for the next 8 years. Due to a lot of stress I developed anxiety again last year with OCD type thoughts. Again I recovered from this but then had a lot of stress again and the anxiety returned as well as awful feelings of unreality and existential type thoughts.

I have done my best to accept it all but I have found myself feeling more and more trapped in my mind and feel I am questioning everything. I feel completely disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel emotionless most of the time and feel I am just going through the motions to keep my head above water. I feel really out of touch with everyone and everything. Things seem meaningless even though I don't want them to like there is just no 'me' to affirm things.

I can sit watching TV and it seems odd to me or like it isn't real. Even typing this feels odd and I can become overly aware of myself and hyper aware of everything that is going on.

When I am so disconnected my thoughts are very weird about my being etc and I hate it and wish I could just think normally and be myself.

Last week I dont think it was as bad as this. The self awareness was there but when I had a thought I could let it go more easily. I also had the odd period of enjoying things or being present.

Does any of this sound like it is just DP?

P.S. I am on 50mg of Sertraline. I do not seem to feel lots of anxiety and do not know if this is normal when you have DP or if it is maybe the medication taking the edge off it.

[Suziewuzie]

Sounds exactly like DP/DR. I suffer with it in exactly the same way & like you, don't feel particularly anxious.
I can't offer any words of wisdom other than just keep living your life as normally as possible, the more you dwell on it tbe worse it becomes. It will pass, I found sertraline very effective the first time I was on it x

[rchippex]

Thank you for the reply. Deep down I know that the best way through anxiety and its many symptoms is to simply accept them and carry on but at the moment I am finding this almost impossible as almost every thought I have seems to centre on reality or my lack of emotion and it is incredibly hard to move past. I liken it most to a severe obsession that I just can't seem to get away from. Sometimes it couples with my old harm obsessions and that makes it even worse for me.

Is it common to develop fears of things that make this symptom more noticeable or remind you of it?

Also when you have it do you feel like your loved ones are far away and that you can't feel anything toward them at times?

[Suziewuzie]

My emotions are incredibly numbed down because of it & that's one of the things I find most upsetting. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I adore but now when I tell him I love him I'm really just saying it without feeling anything. I'm very distant from my friends too and find I don't feel at ease around them and have nothing to say to them.
I have days where it's worse than others, where it's all I can think of & I feel like I'm losing a grip on reality. Then I have days where I can ignore it for a few hours and feel things, and do big belly laughs and feel like myself. I don't know wether a lot of my numbed emotions are due to my antidepressants or not because I've suffered with DP due to anxiety for years and years and never felt like this before.

I find my DP is worse when I'm with people, probably because it's harder to hide it. I also find it worse in fluorescent lighting such as supermarkets so I find it very stressful going shopping through fear it will come on strongly all of a sudden.

[rchippex]

I also find it harder around people but then find being by myself just allows far too much introspection also. It is hard to know whether to go towards it and face it. The last times I recovered from anxiety it was down to just accepting the presence of all of my symptoms and ignoring my intrusive thoughts and carrying on with life regardless.

It feels impossible this time though as I feel DP 24/7 and the thoughts are constant also. It is more the existential type thoughts that accompany it that get to me and get me down and make me scared.

[Suziewuzie]

How long have you been on Sertraline?

A few years ago, I was on the train home from work when I got a call to say my dad had died very suddenly. I was on my own & the train took an hour, there was absolutely nothing I could do except sit there and keep it together until I got off the train. So to get me through that train ride I forced myself to depersonalise. I forced my self to just sit there & look normal even though inside my world was falling apart.

Now when I'm having a really bad time with DP/DR I remind myself of that situation. My body separated from my brain because it just couldn't cope with what was happening - and it's no different when it happens to us due to anxiety. Your brain is exhausted and your body is on autopilot. It's nothing to be afraid of & it will pass - maybe slowly at first, but eventually it will pass for longer & longer periods.

[rchippex]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I have been on the lowest dose of 50mg for about 3 months now. I do feel that it has tamed some of the anxiety and also the feeling down but I am not sure if it contributing to me feeling so unreal all the time and so disconnected.

I would say it is both DP and DR. They both seem to feed each other and when you add my tendency to obsess into the mix it is a potent brew that is really kicking my ass right now.

I am going to make a real conscious effort to allow it to be here and all the wacky and scary thoughts that come along with it. It is doing me no good at all to just sit here worrying about it and avoiding things because of it. I want my life back and there is really only one way to go about that which is acceptance of the current situation and to see it as anxiety and my mind trying to cope with things.

Funnily enough (well not) but last week I did have a more stressful week and had some late nights etc. I also had an argument at the weekend with my wife. On Monday I woke feeling more anxious than I had in the previous few weeks so I suspect that this has resulted in the DP/DR getting stronger and more intrusive thoughts and that is why I am worse at the moment than I was last week.

[Jenijar]

I also feel trapped in my mind and am questioning everything and analysing it and things seem meaningless. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Everything seems strange to me, and I think existential thoughts which make me feel disconnected from life. I think how strange human life is and all the trivial things we do, but those trivial things used to matter to me and I want them to matter again, I want to feel part of life again. I feel unsafe in my mind and feel I can't go in this way.

[LiamRoseic]

I would say that's what it sounds like...

[Jenijar]

Hey rchippex, I just wondered how you are doing now? Any better? X