Brave New World: Recovery Diary

[23fish]

It's good to hear that things are improving for you. I always enjoy reading your posts - they are so well written and show that you have such a good understanding of yourself. I hope you continue on this happy road x

[Catherine S]

My sentiments exactly 23fish

ISB

[NoPoet]

Thank you both, it means a lot!

I did something I said I'd never do. I'm very lonely, so I joined Tinder, a dating app. I got one match more or less straight away, which I gather is quite good (online dating is extremely difficult for a man as it is very hard to get much attention), and now have several more. I've been exchanging messages with my first match for a couple of hours. She's pretty and seems like a nice person but it turns out she has quite a serious disability. While I'm hardly going to be put off by that, I'm worried I'll do what I usually do and go charging straight into a relationship.

My relationships have all been really exciting and are quite often the talk of the unit at work, as I manage to find women as crazy as I am (which is no mean feat, I'm pretty famous for being "a character"), but almost without exception it ends up with me being very hurt. Sometimes it even ends up with sworn vengeance, but fortunately not all my girlfriends come from Salem.

Well, I've started this, so we might as well see where it leads. I haven't been murdered yet; maybe my luck will continue to hold!

[Fishmanpa]

Thank you both, it means a lot!

I did something I said I'd never do. I'm very lonely, so I joined Tinder, a dating app. I got one match more or less straight away, which I gather is quite good (online dating is extremely difficult for a man as it is very hard to get much attention), and now have several more. I've been exchanging messages with my first match for a couple of hours. She's pretty and seems like a nice person but it turns out she has quite a serious disability. While I'm hardly going to be put off by that, I'm worried I'll do what I usually do and go charging straight into a relationship.

My relationships have all been really exciting and are quite often the talk of the unit at work, as I manage to find women as crazy as I am (which is no mean feat, I'm pretty famous for being "a character"), but almost without exception it ends up with me being very hurt. Sometimes it even ends up with sworn vengeance, but fortunately not all my girlfriends come from Salem.

Well, I've started this, so we might as well see where it leads. I haven't been murdered yet; maybe my luck will continue to hold!

Married man here but I know a few folks that have used/are using tinder. The word on the street is there's a reason it's called "Tinder"..... it burns easily! Great if you want a hook up or speed dating though.

Positive thoughts

[Lan69]

I was on tinder and pof, I just seemed to attract all the married/ single men who are after a hook up ! I must have that kind of face lol

[NoPoet]

Let's see your face then and see what type of face you've got. Everyone together: "Photo! Photo! Photo!" Hehe x

I've heard that loads of men are creeps on dating sites. Why would someone go on a dating site when they're in a relationship? It wounds my aspergers mind.

I've got a date! The girl I've been talking to seems nice. To be honest a lot of women I've spoken to on dating sites are really boring, they have no conversational skills, and at first the person I'm meeting was like that, but she's warmed up a lot.

I have also figured out why I have so many problems with nutters. I'm genuine, when almost no-one else is, and I try to make people feel good about themselves. You'd think this was a good thing, but some people are so broken that they try to break you too.

---------- Post added at 19:21 ---------- Previous post was at 16:54 ----------

Addendum to the above. I have now got quite a few matches and am chatting with several people. This is going against my aspie code of honour as I consider this to be tantamount to cheating, even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone. The aspie code is rather inflexible.

For all the complaining I do about dating sites, I seem to do really well on them, considering lots of men find dating sites worthless and frustrating. I guess I must be easier to like than I think, and when I stop consciously trying to think what to say to people and let my brain prolapse onto the page, I seem to get results.

Go, broken aspie brain. Go.

[NoPoet]

Ok, this is where my recovery diary turns into a bloody novel again.

I've had to say "bonjour" to the girl from Tinder as she was crazy and was bringing me down. This has led to a lot of questions. These are my answers based on the knowledge I have now. They are not meant to be inflammatory, arrogant, rude etc, but they are blunt:

* Why do women use online dating?

Men typically have to make the first move because "it's tradition" (a neat way of sidestepping gender equality?). With online dating, we don't have to go through the horror of approaching someone we don't know, and if a woman is on a dating site, she is (probably) single and looking for sex or a relationship or both, no mystery.

Many women I've spoken to on dating sites make out that they "pull" (attract other people) all the time. Why would a woman who can go out and, without making any effort, pull three men in one night need to go on a dating site? Sorry, it doesn't add up.

My opinion is they are 1: Less popular than they say and 2: Having some kind of problem in life, even if it's just having young kids which means they can't socialise. Of course, there's also 3: They really do pull all the time but only meet morons -- although why they think online dating will be different is beyond me? Surely it's more dangerous?

* Why do women use online dating if they're not going to go on any dates?

I've found that both parties arriving for the date is like finding the holy grail. I've lost count of the number of times a woman suddenly disappears, or suddenly cancels, a day or two before the date. Other times, as in this case, the conversation suddenly breaks down and that's that.

Maybe sometimes I've upset them or scared them off; sometimes they've done the same to me, and I just stop messaging them. I am pretty sure the majority are players who want loads of men messaging them, while some will be staff, some will be men pretending to be women and some will be bots. (Some women have told me they use dating sites to "talk to friends" - a sure sign she is leading men on. Who uses dating sites to make penpals?) EDIT: I forgot, most people on dating sites (of either gender) are players and probably have several dates arranged.

Whatever's the case, I've now learned to stop telling people I've got a date, as that is the kiss of death, nearly every time.

* Why can't women on dating websites make conversation?

This is the biggie for me -- women send very short messages that you can't do anything with. They send closed replies and ask closed questions. As an aspie, I hate idle chit-chat (although I am okay at it), and a woman replying "Haha x" to everything is definitely idle chit chat and seems rather rude. You don't find much out about people with closed conversation, it's like they don't really care or think they'll somehow be harmed by telling me stuff. Do they think I'm Michael Myers?

On the plus side, when I start doing this back, women who are interested will sometimes raise their game a bit, but honestly, genuine, interesting conversation is rare.

* What is it about me that brings out the inner nutcase in people?

This will sound arrogant, but compared to the number of responses, messages, matches, meet mes etc that other men seem to get, I'm Hugh Hefner. However, I get treated as if I'm Herman Munster. So while I get more initial attention than some men, I get about the same number of actual dates.

The more a woman likes me initially, the deeper she'll be corrupted by the Powers of Chaos. I am probably doing a lot wrong (such as using online dating in the first place!) - I get on with most people, but I am stubborn and I don't take kindly to people who play games with me. I think my messages sometimes get misinterpreted, and I frequently miss warning signs in the things people say to me, or in the way they act towards me.

My friends and family say I get in way over my head too quickly, and I tend to take on the problems of people who have no intention of taking on mine. And I typically end up with the first person who will date me, which is not really a guarantee that we'll be a long-term match.

I guess my next post will be some kind of self-analysis, so I can see what I'm doing wrong. This will be invaluable -- I can't carry on the way things are now, I'm gonna be 40 soon and I don't like cats very much.

My apologies for anyone who finds this post offensive.

[NoPoet]

I've got a job interview next week!

I haven't spoken much about my real-world issues. I'm currently off work sick as I am desperately unhappy there and feel manoeuvred into a corner by my employers, and the medication has changed me so much I lost the plot for a while. This led to my involvement with some very bad women. I'm effectively being stalked, or at least harassed, by a former friend - let's call her Asmunda (the human name of a daemon from a Warhammer novel, heh). If I go back to work I reckon I could be dismissed. I certainly can't go back to being on Asmunda's team. I'm desperately in debt, I can't work full time due to my conditions, and the DWP decided I don't need any further support. Getting a new job will turn my life around - it will solve lots of problems at once.

After making last night's post about online dating, I decided to turn the questions around on myself. I must be making critical mistakes in the way I behave, and it's time to figure out what they are.

* Why do I use online dating?

I find it extremely difficult to speak to people I don't know, particularly women. To talk to a woman I'm attracted to, especially to ask her out, is effectively impossible. Online dating takes this impossibility away, but I still don't send many messages out and tend to get frustrated and fed up within 1-2 days.

My ex girlfriend said that when she joined Plenty of Fish, she met someone for sex the same day she joined. I find that in order to even meet someone for a drink, we usually exchange messages for 1-2 weeks. That said, once things get going, they move faster than I can cope with, like calling me "babe" before we've met, offering sex on the first date (but usually within the first few messages, long before meeting) and announcing love or introducing me to their kids on our second date. Many also play mind games and are probably dating other men. EDIT: I have encountered women who wanted to meet straight away. This was invariably a mistake as they were not looking for a relationship.

I therefore use online dating because I am afraid of approaching women I don't know in real life. Instead of summoning "20 seconds of the most insane courage", I put up with weeks of hassle and abuse, considering that to be the "easier option". Wow.

* What do I do that brings out the bad side in people?

I get into people's heads. I don't know how I do this, or why. I think it's a defensive mechanism: I am looking for ways to please people. I can find hidden goodness in people, but I also find hidden violence, or trauma, or nastiness.

I am 100% sure that much of it comes from the man-hatred society has these days. All my friends are girls, and every day on Facebook is a bombardment of pictures showing what men should do for women, and that men are inferior to women, and that women don't need men but men need women. Everything, everything, is somehow a man's fault. Their lives turn to bullshit not because of their own obnoxious behaviour, but because men are too crazy and stupid to see how perfect they are, and are somehow oppressing them.

I'm not sure how I come across online. But in the real world I am known to care too much (most of the time). When I get close to a woman, I don't (usually) make sex banter, I don't call her beautiful or treat her like a princess. I hang out with her. I learn from her. But I give a lot of affection and attention: I message and call, I play with their hair, I sing songs to them, I defend them against men a lot scarier than I am. I share my journey, my vulnerabilities, my tears and my happiness. And this completely screws people up.

They don't know how to cope with me because I'm outside their prior experience. They can't learn me, or adapt to me, because they just don't live like that: they're "happy" as they are, and they don't change for no man. A human being of either gender who genuinely wishes to grow and improve is rare. They simply aren't used to someone who loves them for who they are and doesn't want to control or corrupt them.

I therefore come in for serious abuse, stalking behaviour and harrassment because they know I give a damn. This is a really messed-up world we're living in, where people hurt the ones they love.

I'm taking a break now but the self-analysis must continue.

[NoPoet]

I had one of the best ever "therapy" sessions today. I saw my life coach and we discussed dating and relationships. I told her what happened with the girl from Tinder, that we'd arranged a date, had a disagreement and blocked each other on Whatsapp and Tinder.

She explained a great deal about dating from a woman's perspective, and said that the girl I'd been speaking to sounded genuine. This may be why I misunderstood the girl's behaviour -- I've been with some very bad people and I just do not know how to recognise someone who is decent. My life coach taught me how to look at dating from the point of view of a woman, especially one who's been through bad times, and she taught me the difference between the behaviour of a decent person, and that of an alley-cat.

She urged me to contact this girl again, even though I believed all hope was lost.

I sent a text message to the girl saying that I now understand how my actions affected her, and that I misinterpreted her and failed to understand her. I believed she was the same as people from my past, but she is nothing like them, and I shouldn't have judged her the way I did.

I said that I humbly apologise and asked if she wanted to get to know me all over again.

She accepted my apology. We've been messaging for the last four hours. We agreed to cool things down and get to know each other gradually, then meet next week for coffee.

So it's true: my way wasn't working, and there is a better way of conducting myself. I have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat and I've learned that there are good people out there. Now I know how to recognise them.

[pulisa]

It's hard being an aspie-especially on social media and on dating sites when it's impossible to gauge nuances of meaning. Take things slowly and steadily and good luck!