Ok here goes nothing, I'll try and make it short...
Up until 6 weeks ago I thought my life was perfect, well almost perfect. I had a specific relationship issue but all had been fine for almost 5 months.
I've worked for the same company for many years and seen in the business as a respectable,committed person. It's a stressful job dealing with negativity every day. When I get home I'd normally open and drink a bottle of wine. My partner too. I'm into my red, she likes white. I guess I just felt I liked a glass of wine and didn't realise it had become the norm to polish off a bottle. It's only looking back now and after talking to people that it could have potentially have been a coping mechanism.
Remember I'm playing catchup here, looking back over 9 or so years.
Anyway some years ago incidents/ pin appropriate behaviour started to happen after a couple of hours sleep. Not all the time, just occasionally, but only after a drink. My partner asked me to deal with it on my own and not to seek help. Last year the incidents of SBS began to happen more often. Again I was told to deal with it but not to seek help. I researched and researched until I found some information. This implied the trigger for these episodes can be , alcohol,stress,fatigue. So I cut the alcohol out and guess what... It seemed to work. And alls been good.
But! I've been dealing with this issue for a few years and whenever there has been an incident it sets me worrying for days at a time. My partner has been dealing with this in her own way, so she says.
So... 6 weeks ago I was taken into a meeting in work and questioned regarding theft. And yes I did it. I don't know why, I don't need the money, I didn't get a rush from it, I didn't do it for spite. I just did it. It occurred on 2 occasions last year. And was for a total amount of £509.
Since then, I have been arrested ,convicted,fined,completed unpaid work, lost my job,got myself a criminal record and my relationship has ended. By the way I also have 3 children. My life has simply fallen apart, completely. My GP has diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. And has said these thefts were possibly a cry for help. I don't know, I really don't . he feels I've been concealing these for years because of the issues in my relationship. I don't know about the depression but I'm kinda starting to understand the anxiety bit... I think.
I spoke to a support line and they were great. Asked me to think of things that had happened around the times of the theft and then bingo. 5/6 months ago, there was an incident which almost ended the relationship and all week I was worrying about what was going to happen. My mind was racing all the time, heart beating out of my chest, panicking. I now wonder if that's anxiety , and if it is then I actually feel like that quite often.
As I say, the depression bit I'm not so sure. I'm normally quite happy, take the Micky, have a laugh and a joke about stuff. I do like my own company though
But now I hate my own company, I cry all the time sometimes for no reason. My minds racing with alls outs of things and I have had deep deep thoughts of suicide to the point where I've almost made myself pass out with a rope. The only reason I'm still here is because I really couldn't put my 3 beautiful children through it.
I'm still at home but it's like staying at your friends knowing your not wanted. And the one person Inreally want to help me, hates me, and all I want is a hug and for someone to say everything will be ok... But that isn't going to happen. And now I have no idea who I am or what these feelings mean.
Anyone who knows me and knows about the thefts have told me it's completely out of character. I'm not a bad person but all of a sudden my life's changed. And now I look back at things and behaviours and wonder if they are normal or abnormal. Have I been living a lie all my life? Who am I? Notme
Hope the above doesn't come over all garbled it's just how my mind is at the moment.
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